My Babysitter’s a vampire (pilot film) – review

[Ljava.lang.String;@eae5792

Vamp or Not? Bloodsuckers from Outer Space

[Ljava.lang.String;@6842cbd8

32 Fangs – review

[Ljava.lang.String;@ff0f941

Honourable Mention: Carry on Christmas (1969)

[Ljava.lang.String;@d5b92e1

Vamps and the City – review

[Ljava.lang.String;@c03adf3

Batman: The Animated Series

.lang.String;@98218cd

90's rocks LIVES...(in the rainforest)

.lang.String;@7f58119f

I'M KINDA EXCITED TO SEE THOR

.lang.String;@42d57385

It's human nature to fear the unusual: A critical look at Batman Returns

.lang.String;@108ea2dd

My review of Super 8: marketing a film as retro doesn't mean it needs to be more of the same

.lang.String;@394a1f79

Dampyr Vol. 2: Night Tribe – review

To contact us Click HERE
Written by: Mauro Boselli & Maurizio Colombo

Translation by: Goran Marinic

Art by: Majo

First Published: 2005 (English translation)

Contains spoilers

The blurb: After their near-fatal encounter with Gorka, the powerful master of the night, the unlikely trio of half human/half-vampire Harlan Draka, the beautiful vampire Tesla and tough warrior Kurjak prepare to face him once more. Visions sent to Draka draw the trio ever closer to their foe, and this time it is a bloody, horrifying fight to the death where only one can survive…

The review: I looked at the first volume of Dampyr – Devil’s Son – some time ago and have finally got around to getting the second volume.

I said, with regards the first book, that there was some familiarity within the opening story premise. By this volume the story is very much on its own path and this volume is a succinct little story that brings the Gorka story to a conclusion and teases out a little of Harlan’s parentage and the overarching story that this feeds into.

Lore wise we are told that not all vampire victims rise and that a Master of the Night turns someone into one of his servant vampires by draining them and then injecting a substance into their veins. This ties them to the Master so that, for instance, though Tesla has rebelled against Gorka he can still assume control of her.

If I had a complaint it was that the new antagonists, created by Gorka ,were wafer thin as characters. But, to be fair, they were there as plot device only. 7 out of 10.

Guest Blog: Vampire Evolution by Rebeka Harrington

To contact us Click HERE
For centuries vampires were a legendary creature, hidden behind mystery and folklore. Then along came Bram Stoker who bust the coffin wide open and revealed vampires to the world. His anti-hero, Count Dracula, a blood-sucking monster determined to wreak havoc on humanity.

Next up we have Count Orlok (Nosferatu 1922) an adaptation on Stoker’s Dracula. Nosferatu was so ugly you would be scared just looking at him. Again with a single purpose; blood, blood and more blood.

Vampires for decades (centuries even) reigned supreme as the Kings of Horror. The mere mention of the word “vampire” made people tremble with fear. Then in the mid 1970’s the world’s perception of vampires changed with the release of Anne Rice’s series of books “The Vampire Chronicles”. For the first time (worth mentioning) vampires weren’t the villain. Lestat welcomed us into his world, included us in his explorations.

The 20th century saw change and progress everywhere, vampires were no exception. Now in the 21st century, we have seen just about every incarnation possible of vampires. Or have we? They move about during daylight hours, they sparkle, live with humans without guise or façade; what else could there possibly be?

What I think we are yet to see is a thorough investigation of vampire lives and society. I’ve been quoted as saying, “focusing on vampires solely as blood-drinkers is like summing up humanity as oxygen thieves.” Surely there is more to vampires than killing and drinking blood. If vampires are as intelligent and powerful as we have asserted them to be, then how can we continue to portray them in a one-dimensional manner.

Whether or not you enjoyed the books, I really like what Charlaine Harris did with her Southern Vampires series. Over time you learnt about the vampire hierarchy and all the behind-the-scenes vampire stuff that is typically glossed over.

The next step in vampire evolution, I believe, is for writers to look closer; go beyond the murder and mayhem, this is something I am attempting with my own work. In my latest release “Desires Revealed” I explore relationships, sexuality, vampire society and division within that society.

Another aspect of the vampire evolution and how they are portrayed in fiction must be their perception of humanity. Do they study and research humanity as we do for animals? What is their opinion of humanity, besides being a source of food? How involved with human affairs are they? Do they try and sway the course of history in their favour?

As you may have figured out, I have a lot of questions about vampires. This is why I find them so fascinating and intriguing to write about. They can take me anywhere and anywhen. I seriously doubt I’m the only person to share this fascination. The plethora of vampire fiction available would seem to suggest the world has an insatiable hunger for vampires.

While through my writing a lot of my questions can be answered, there a couple of questions I have that remain unanswered. When will it end? And where will this next step in vampire evolution take us?

About Rebeka Harrington

Raised in country Victoria, Rebeka started her writing career working for the local newspaper as a teenager. While she decided not to pursue this as a career, she has always enjoyed writing and being creative

With so many varied interests and eccletic taste in most things, Rebeka enjoys incorporating all of them in her writing. She particularly enjoys writing about vampires.

Rebeka seeks to define and explain vampires in a way not done before. This was achieved with her debut title "Vampires Revealed". Following titles revolve around exploring the world and characters created in her first release.

Currently Rebeka lives in Melbourne with her “demented” but lovable cat, dividing her time between writing and managing a small boutique entertainment agency.

Rebeka’s latest release Desires Revealed is available for purchase at:

Smashwords
Amazon

Cosy up with her characters – www.vampiresrevealed.com
Keep in touch and visit her blog – www.rebekaharrington.com

Gravedale High – review

To contact us Click HERE
Directors: various

First aired: 1990

Contains spoilers

Gravedale High was a 1990 cartoon about a human teacher, Max Schneider (Rick Moranis), who gets a job in a school for monsters. The class is made up of the school misfits who, under his tutelage, seem to prevail.

As such we get the school nerd in the form of werewolf Reggie Moonshroud (Barry Gordon), the surfer-dude (and lagoon creature) Gill Waterman (Jackie Earle Haley), the ridiculously rich J.P. Ghastly the III (Frank Welker) who is a Peter Lorre-a-like. Frankenstein’s Monster is parodied as Frankentyke (also Frank Welker) and the invisible man is Sid (Maurice LaMarche) – who happens to be the class clown. The two popular girls are Medusa – also known as Duzer (Kimmy Robertson) – and southern belle and zombie Blanche (Shari Belafonte), and the class has a fat girl in the form of mummy Cleofatra (Ricki Lake).

Vinnie Stoker

Of course, here we are concerned with the vampire of the class and he is Vinnie Stoker (Roger Rose). Of course his name is derived from Bram Stoker and he is portrayed as a cool 1950s type greaser. He is academically weak but wears a biker’s leather, lounges with his feet on his school desk and gets to class fashionably late. The underlying model for the character seems to be the Fonz. At one point he is arrested (along with others in the class, for contempt of court) and covers his face ala a stereotyped media vampire as his mug shot is taken.

the stokers

There is little to no lore offered. He clicks his fingers and his leather jacket develops wings and he can fly (in one episode he is struck by lightning and develops a brief phobia of flying and heights). Whilst in a human hospital he visits the blood bank. Other than that there is very little to report. There are other vampires that appear, a fellow student (in another class) is Natasha Neckinski, and we see Vinnie’s parents when they attend a talent show (Vinnie is lead singer of a rock band).

Mr Creepers

The show itself was okay – I am sure that rose-tinted glasses would have helped – the storylines were more or less all based on growing pains but offered a monstrous twist (that became the source of the comedy). Personally I found it ok but a little flatter than it might have been, as most cartoons that are developed as vehicles for a named star tend to be. That said there are references aplenty, from US pop culture and horror films generally. I particularly liked Busby, a human fly who invariably was crying “help me!” when on screen. Also worth noting is Schneider disguising himself as a monster teacher, Mr Creeper, at one point – looking like he came out of London After Midnight. 5.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

;)Q

La Morte Amoureuse – review

To contact us Click HERE
Director: Alain Vézina

Release date: 1995

Contains spoilers

You may be aware that I am a fan of the story la Morte Amoureuse, a short dating back to 1836 and penned by Theophile Gautier. The story was captured well in the episode of the Hunger entitled Clarimonde – though, whilst mainly fiercely accurate to the source, they did expunge all vampiric elements.

It was only very recently that I became aware of this film, through Bill at the Uranium Café, and a rare beast it is as well – utterly missing from IMDb. It is based on Gautier’s story and does keep the vampiric elements (in fact expands on them) but also modernises the story. This updating, along with a soundtrack that was, I guess, meant to emulate the heights of 90s synth-soundtrack styling, manages to undermine the atmosphere that the film should have carried – but that said it doesn’t do everything wrong.

breaking vows on the altar

In a kitchen housekeeper Thérése (Denise Bouchard) talks about the ills of the village and the thunderstorm that rages as her companion Father Sylvain (Pierre Mailloux) looks distracted, not eating his soup. He eventually excuses himself but cannot settle and so goes through to his church. The altar seems to glow and a veiled woman, a bride we might suppose, appears – holding her arms to him. He goes to her and takes her (very quickly) on the altar.

the corpse

When he has finished he looks at her and sees that the woman has transformed into a corpse, desiccated and burnt. There is a disturbingly intimate shot of part of her anatomy and the priest is distraught, questioning what he has done. Thérése is looking for the priest when she hears the church bell ring – she rushes in to find him hanging by the bell rope.

Marc with Catherine

Marc (Luc Pilon) is a young (and disturbingly happy) priest living in the city. He receives orders to take over the parish of Father Sylvain. He says goodbye to his father, in background later on we discover that his father was never happy that he became a priest, and travels North. He finds the church idyllic and has plans to install a choir – Thérése becomes less and less enamoured with the young man, and some of his radical ideas, especially when he makes the acquaintance of Albert (Jerôme Ricard).

marking the burning

Albert is a hippy eco-warrior, hanging out with others – ostensibly – to clean the beach but really to get drunk and high. He shows Marc a marker stone that he thinks is from a native tribe but Mark recognises as Latin – though he confuses the pentagram with the Star of David. It turns out to be a marker of where a local priest burned two ‘witches’ to death. Marc also meets Albert’s friend Catherine (Virgine Dubois) and it is clear that there is a chemistry between them that he tries to deny.

blood from the claw

It doesn’t take much to guess that Catherine is our vampire. She was the daughter of the alleged ‘witches’ and was nearly abused by the priest when she was rescued by something unseen, a something that fed her blood on its claw. We also meet a priest named Clément (Yvan Roy), he had been the parish priest until he tried to kill himself (he failed, obviously) and – on realising that Sylvain is dead – he leaves his monastery to do what needs to be done.

Demonic Sylvain

You see in this Catherine makes each priest fall in love with her and then drives them to suicide. She feeds on the suicide (it would appear) and the priest returns from the grave as a vampire as well. Of course, tying vampirism and suicide together is reaching back to original folklore and always welcome. We see a demonic version of Sylvain in one of Clément’s visions – though this was a poor make-up moment. We also see him as a semi-decayed, fanged vampire with a messiah complex.

burning in holy water

All this strays further and further from the original. We see a stake (inscribed, it seemed, with occult symbols) and discover that fire purifies. The original story made play of holy water and this does take a cue from that and we have Marc blessing the lake and Sylvain burning within it. Daylight is not an issue for Catherine as we see her during the day and, as we see her in the church, we assume that hallowed ground is not an issue either.

Virgine Dubois as Catherine

Whilst never in danger of winning an Oscar, the acting was fairly good from the principles, maybe not as good when it came to the supporting cast. As I have said, the soundtrack didn’t work for me. The story itself wasn’t original-story compliant but the changes worked more or less. That said I felt we needed a wee bit more concentration on Catherine and Marc to establish their blossoming relationship properly. Some of the effects were poor and the cinematography seemed a little washed out and needed more depth – these elements also conspired against atmosphere. I was also a little disappointed that the genuine sympathy that I felt for the original story protagonists was not as apparent for Catherine and Marc.

unholy bride

Is it the greatest vampire film… no, but I have seen much worse and I like the fact that they used Gautier as a basis; that doesn't happen often enough as far as I am concerned. Is it the best version of La Morte Amoureuse? No… that honour stays with Clarimonde – even if that version lost the vampiric elements. 5 out of 10.

At the time of review there is no IMDb page.

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tales of the Dead Man's Float

To contact us Click HERE
So this episode doesn't seem early on like it has too much potential to creep. Pass the scary intro, pass the typical Midnight Society chatter, hurp a durp durp, and the episode arrives at its intro. Basically, a kid in some pool starts screamin that somethings grabbing him in the water and the lifeguard jumps in to save him, but he can't get him out! The kid just drowns right there and one has to wonder... WHAT WAS PULLING HIM UNDER?

Cut ahead like 40 years or something to some nerd being nerdy and some bitch being bitchy. He invites her to see something that he thinks she'd like.

"He began to unzip his pants..."

Cut to next morning and it turns out the thing nerd boy wanted to show the chick was not his embarrassingly small genitalia, but was an abandoned pool in the schools basement (what the hell were they thinking). She says MAYBE YOU DON'T SUCK AT LIFE AFTER ALL (don't quote me on that) and cut to a few weeks later and hoeface convinced the school to set the pool up. THE PLOT THICKENS. Turns out that Mr. Nerd is helping her with her homework in exchange for sexual favors swimming lessons. Suddenly SOMETHING THROWS THEM OUT OF THEIR RAFT (why they have a raft in the swimming pool instead of just... standing on the edge of the pool I will never know). They think they're done for when suddenly HEROIC JANITOR PULLS THEM OUT IN THE NICK OF TIME! Why was he there when the only people in the pool were 2 young children? Why was he hiding from them until they were almost drowning? We may never know.

Pictured above: A convicted sex offender. With a HEART OF GOLD.

As to be expected from a senior citizen with a dead-end job, he has a boring story to tell. HE WAS THE LIFE GUARD IN THE INTRO, AND THE DROWNED KID WAS HIS BROTHERRR. He convinced the school to close the pool because it was killing people... Because the pool was built on an INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! When are people going to figure out that this kind of behavior will lead to homicidal haunts 95% of the time? It's common sense at this point, really. Anyways, old moustachio up there has no idea how to stop the beast. But science nerd MAGICALLY figures out that the ghost, smelling like ass, must be made of ACID. A native ghost made of fucking ACID, how bad can this get? So basically the kid decides to toss in some delicious chemicals to make the beast reveal its TRUE FORM. He tosses some Tang into the pool and the results are... ABSOLUTELY BAT SHIT INSANELY HORRIFYING.

The reason I dropped chemistry class.

SO CLEARLY, the producers forgot to mention to the director that this was a show for kids, but decided doing more filming to replace the beast with something less nightmare-inducing was too much strain on the budget. So this things been swimming around children in bathing suits and has been just dragging them down and going to town. GOD DAMN!

But as any hero would, the super hoe from the beginning of the episode has some death powder to burn the thing, but herpaderp nerd kid throws it out of her hands and into the pool. YOU'LL BURN YOURSELF OMG. Dumbass. They all decide to dive in to get it (kids these days) as Scruffy watches shitting bricks. The beast goes in to get them but being an indecisive creature just kind of fails at that. The kids grab the container, PUT GLOVES ON, and then destroy the beast.

Cut to like a week later and they're banging. Wow. Realistic.

Spook: 10/5
Funny: 0/5
Total: 4.5/5

If you're looking for an episode of these shows that are actually going to make you shit a brick, this one is what you'll be looking for every time.


Youtube link to the episode

Only the finest of 2010...

To contact us Click HERE
I'm going to pick the things that I think matter (and repost this shit as a note on facebook) and pick my favorite (since best is sooo subjective lololol) "things" of 2010. I don't think I need much further preface.

FAVORITE MOVIE OF 2010:
TRUE GRIT.
I love it. Sure it's not the most Coen of the Coen Brothers movies, but that doesn't mean there isn't a lot of great things here. Bridges is always fantastic, as is Brolin. Damon gives a pretty good, if annoying at times supporting performance. The real star though is a 14 year old girl, who I'm sure will have a promising acting career in the future. A straight forward story laced with darkness, violence and of course ironic, sick humor; True Grit is really easy to like if you're not viewing it in an overly critical fashion. I was surprised to hear most of the people in America who DIDN'T like it are people who I, sadly, talk to.

FAVORITE ACTING PERFORMANCE OF 2010 (in a film):
JAMES FRANCO
I read one review that described Danny Boyle's newest film "127 hours" as "Kinetic". You know this is bullshit because if you talked to me as soon as I left the theater, I was using the very same word to describe it. It's a raw character drama. In the depths of the canyons, Franco gives a performance that I didn't even know he had in him as he struggles to free himself from a boulder that represents a summation of all his problems in life. In one memorable scene he wakes up broadcasting to his parents how sorry he is for the myriad of problems he's caused in the past, taking different perspectives to question himself like a game show host. Powerful, insantiy driven stuff.

FAVORITE TV SHOW OF 2010:
BOARDWALK EMPIRE
I don't follow alot of shows with a successive plot. I mean I "follow" the Office in the sense that between television and hulu and Netflix instant I've probably seen every episode, but I don't sit down with eager anticipation and a tingling sensation between my legs every week to watch it. (what?) Same goes for Community, a show which really grew on me this year. I don't think I've ever been involved in the plot of a dramatic show this much since the Sopranos ended on HBO until BOARDWALK EMPIRE. Gangsters and prohibition are the theme of the show, but I think I'm drawn to it because it's a genuine freakshow. While Steve Buscemi is awesome as the lead, Atlantic City Treasurer Enoch Thompson, it's really the supporting cast that makes you come back week after week. I found each episode to be like a checklist and I was simply waiting to see my favorite lunatics return to the screen each week; or for new murderers to be introduced into the fold. This show also contained my favorite ACTING performance in a TV show this year...

FAVORITE ACTING PERFORMANCE IN A TV SHOW OF 2010:
MICHAEL SHANNON AS NELSON VAN ALDEN-BOARDWALK EMPIRE
He's so damn good. He's so fucking crazy. He's like the Javert (Les Miserables reference) of the prohibition era, obsessed to bringing Nucky Thompson to justice. Van Alden is the senior prohibition agent responsibile for drying out Atlantic City per his divine right to do so. He kills his partner via drowning him at a makeshift baptism purely out of suspicion in the height of his acting. He's socially awkward, masochistic and downright mad, and his downward spiral of sanity progresses throughout the season making him a totally compelling character to watch and wait for each episode. While TV and movies have to be a separate category, this is easily my favorite character/performance of the year period.

FAVORITE ALBUM OF 2010:
MY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED FANTASY-KANYE WEST
Rarely does a hip-hop album come out where you can instantly tell that it will leave a lasting impression on the rap game and set the bar higher for quality. Just when you've forgotten why you like Kanye, he puts out an album and it reminds us why he IS the king and has a right to wear the crown on his bizarre album artwork. With just about each album he's done, Kanye changes the face of the hip hop industry. If we're going by the sheer number of excellent tracks, I'd go so far as to say this is one of the strongest hip-hop albums of all time thanks to MONSTER (with a FANTASTIC Nicki Minaj verse), Gorgeous (with a hook from Cudi), Hell of A life, All of the Lights, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, Lost in the World and Blame Game. Rarely do you get that many winners in one, tortured and deeply psychologically flawed bundle of christmas cheer. I think people need to start to realize that Kanye's just an insane musical genius and you have to let him blow off steam once in a while to continue to bring us this quality output.

FAVORITE SONG OF 2010:
SOME KIND OF NATURE-THE GORILLAZ
Seems like a lot of people didn't like Plastic Beach a whole lot, maybe because it's different from the Gorillaz' prior work. That's ok with me, because different is sometimes better. Somehow this weird track featuring Lou Reed has made it to the number one most played song on my iTunes, with over 200 plays this year. I'm sure it won't be making it to any best songs of the year list, which is just fine because I like an original choice that resonates with me. It's got a fantastic beat (which might or might not have been sampled from something) and a very elemental, raw flow to it. It's amazing to me how Lou Reed can simply talk and say nonsensical ramblings about recycling and give it such a melodious quality. Runner up for this category is MONSTER by Kanye.

FAVORITE VIDEO GAME OF 2010:
CALL OF DUTY: BLACK OPS
I play this shit like it's going out of style (which it never will with all the children on x box live). I don't think I need to explain myself further and most people will pick more ...intelligent games..., but COD appeals to my sensibilities on a very visceral level.

90's rocks LIVES...(in the rainforest)

To contact us Click HERE
So 90’s Rocks died a painful death it seems. But now it's back. It's a zombie blog. Scratch that. Fuck zombies. I'm tired of how trendy they are now. I liked them better as the subject of cult films. A lot has happened since the last installment in the chronicling of promotional food items and the unwarranted worship of lowbrow crap intended for children. It’s not really worth opening that can of tuna right now though, when there’s new inspiration afoot for more passionate rambling about the unimportant. The show must go on; though I feel like I’ve said that before on this blog. Sloth can be the vice of men, and I fear I’ll never write another word in my life of my own volition unless I just painfully bring hand to trackpad and sweat it out. So that’s this then. I’m dedicating this post to a certain blogger, whose achievements in the blogosphere make this one look pitiful; but motivated me to keep at it.

This past summer one of my good friends and I traveled to Orlando on what was essentially a suicide mission to meet Mark Hamill (which didn’t even pan out). Apparently now days Mark’s career has devolved into charging over 100 bucks for a photo op. Who does he think he is…Bill Murray? Anyway, while we were taking buses and cabs around the city of dreams hunting down K Marts and Chick Fil A in the ass-kicking heat, I insisted that we go to DOWNTOWN DISNEY. If you’re living a meaningless life, and you’re unfamiliar with Orlando Florida’s layout and in particular the layout of the Disney Parks (which I think I could easily write 10-15 blog posts about) then you’ll know about the subdivision marketplace area lovingly called DOWNTOWN DISNEY. I think this place really peaked in its cool factor for me at the early turn of the century when the phrase “virtual reality” actually fucking meant something. They had this building full of simulators called Disney Quest which was a popular birthday destination. They also had a huge Virgin Records store, which was the first place in the world where I discovered the scent of marijuana. One of the coolest features was this Planet Hollywood gift shop thing which had insanely expensive film props. We’re talking actual Batman Forever costumes and Ewok fur. The things men go to war to protect. When I was younger I was all about the LEGO store there too. All of these good things have been torn down, replaced or metaphorically shit on over the years and I pity the current younger generation that is told that this is what “fun is all about.” You know nothing about fun. It’s not too late though. It’s never too late, as long as Rainforest Café still stands. Motherfuck!


So what drew your attention to Rainforest café? Oh maybe that it’s a giant goddamn volcano? Or maybe the enormous mushroom standing guard of the place. Or maybe the big animatronic alligator howling out of his aged voice chip at the door? Sidenote: We need more animatronic creatures in today’s society. I miss being able to walk into museums and seeing Dinosaurs and then trying to feed them debris against the will of the “No Touching” signs. So if themed food is pretty much the best thing in the world and if y=mx+b, then clearly a themed RESTAURANT is almost too good for the general public to be allowed to even set eyes on. Walking into Rainforest Café is a sensory overload. I can’t even begin to describe it properly. How can I possibly impart that smell of recycled fountain water? I’m just going to close my eyes and put myself there, typing out a stream of consciousness attempting to describe this place to you.

Apes. Big ol lovable apes banging on their boobs. That is a huge fucking parrot. I didn’t know they came in that size. There is a frog on that tree. Oh yes there are trees. Did you like the sky in Harry Potter? That’s good because the sky in here is like the night sky with light up dots on it. Every twenty minutes or so it’s gonna rain so you better be prepared. There are snakes hanging from the ceiling. Copious amounts of Spanish Moss…I’m afraid it’s going to fall onto my plate. How can a grilled cheese be that expensive? Can I try your cocktail mom? They aren’t going to ARREST us for god sakes it looks like tomato juice! Did you guys see how cool the bathrooms are? Boy this place really makes Bugaboo Creek look like the 7th layer of hell doesn’t it? I’m not leaving without at least 20 bucks worth of animal related shit from the gift shop. Airbrushed t-shirts preferable.

And before you know it the whirlwind of pure elation is over and you’re paying the bill leaving mildly hungry but also possibly suffering from indigestion. Rainforest is a fan of the tiny portion, but fuck it who goes there for the food? Someday I’d like to go back to Rainforest when I’m old enough to drink beer like a real man on a safari and get WASTED and crack up at the elephants. I’m pretty sure that the air vents in Rainforest expel pure MDMA or something. The only other restaurant that can get me stoked like this is this Mars 2112 place in New York which has an Alien Motif, complete with costumed assholes. Rainforest is/was a chain as far as I know though, and there were others to attend outside or Orlando. I think that it’s in a vacation spot only adds to the experience though.

I’ve been to Rainforest 2 times in the past decade. That’s about 96 times too few. I think one hundred would be a little excessive. I’m really hoping they stay in business long enough to remain my fall back plan of employment if this whole college thing doesn’t work out. This also might be one of those “You had to be there” type things where if you went there for the first time now like my friend did this summer; as you might be unable to fully appreciate the awe inspiring awesome of Rainforest. So save the trees folks…otherwise there won’t be a reason for Rainforest Café to parody nature anymore; though as far as I’m concerned the world could become a post apocalyptic, carbon monoxide filled wasteland as long as we still celebrated Halloween and there was a Rainforest Café somewhere. And shamrock shakes. Those are really important too. I’ve had 9 of them since the month started. It’s like my very own March Madness minus the sports.

I'M KINDA EXCITED TO SEE THOR

To contact us Click HERE
Hark! The title bestowed upon this blog post was so obvious an old man and a fool could have agreed upon it. This entry shall here by be wrote in the tongue of the Norseman and the mighty Anthony Hopkins. Upon the rumblings of April, the heavens of Asgard opened and struck the world with Thor-mania. Odin looked upon his work and proclaimed it was good. 7-11 was among the first of puny human establishments to fall to the might of the mjolnir. Thou dare visit 7-11 upon multiple happenstance to exchange currency for thine mighty Thor Slurpees? Nay. Surely you jest Loki! I jest not. Thou hath consumeth now a trifle short of four Thor Slurpees, with the number equivalent to three.

Be there a flavor of god nector flavored with the scent of the maiden Natalie Portman or Thor Sweat, my attempts to find it have been met with failure. I have filled my goblet and drank well of COCA COLA and CHERRY FLAVORED slurpees emblazoned with the thor crests of advertising.

The first thing mere mortals may notice about the goblets is they are adorned with the lenticular motion patterns of hammer-tossing. Atop the perch of the ...lid...rests a mighty statue of a god or foe or Asgard for children drinking the slurpee to devlope idol worship upon. They will cling to these miniature talismans of the mighty Marvel franchise for the rest of their pathetic lives, spiting their foolish parents who try to make them believe the heroic avenger's golden locks are but myth.

So far in my travels thou has exchanged around a grand total of around ten dollars of human currency for thor related slurpee trinket, now posessing resuable plastic cups and straws with the manly visage of Thor, Loki and the evil fire breathing destroyer. Tis a grand bargain and cause for celebration surely!

What could improve perhaps these glorious tokens of asgard? Why of course the jolly liquid known as VODKA. Nave, coward and god alike shall walk the streets swinging hammers with reckless abandon under it's spell with Thor slurpees posessing more spikes than the armor of thee destroyer!

Having enjoyed them to maximum godly potential now, I still require one more cup and miniature ho figurine to have them all. The marking spell of Odin is absolute. So I will soon pound my fist upon the countertop of 7-11 yelling for ANOTHA!

It's human nature to fear the unusual: A critical look at Batman Returns

To contact us Click HERE
The inspiration to write a post struck me late at night, and here I sit in the dark attempting to set a record straight and right injustices against a family name, much like Oswald Cobblepot aka The Penguin pouring over birth certificates in the hall of records about a third of the way through Batman Returns. The family name I’m out to defend is that of the Burton Batman films, and this one in particular which as Christopher Walken elegantly puts it “frankly has a bum rep.” Perhaps the conclusions you can draw from the film’s plot itself and the reputation it has are eerily similar. Abandoned at it’s conception by critics and “comic fans” alike, Returns perhaps isn’t nearly as bad as some make it out to be, only misunderstood by those who can’t see past the grotesque exterior. Much like Batman himself, I feel the need to defend something which cannot save itself, and much like Catwoman; the subject matter at hand is too sexy and insane to be revered in the eyes of the public.

Batman 89’, which I might have been too harsh analyzing is still universally respected by critics and comic fans, many of whom are too bitter and jaded to admit that it may very well be a more true-to-form Batman and Joker story than The Dark Knight. Its sequel Returns however, falls prey to several complaints that are almost always the same by anyone criticizing it; which I’ve heard so many times that I’d venture to call them stereotypical critiques. While Batman 89 is decidedly dated at times and often very aged and misguided feeling in parts, I feel like Batman Returns builds and expands on the themes while incasing the story within the austere whimsical world of Tim Burton. I’d go so far as to say that Batman Returns is the most stylistically affected, though not afflicted, film Burton has ever done. This was a director at his peak; and it’s a shame to see how studios lost faith in these macabre visions for a while after this film’s release.

Perhaps one of the biggest faults Returns has, isn’t even to blame on the film itself so much as the untimely and nonsensical summer release. This is a Christmas film through and through, though it explores the darker and less jolly aspects of the holiday. Prevalent arctic themes, tree lightings and even a bittersweet wishing of Merry Christmas on the last line of the film add to the perversion of the holiday across a comic book landscape.

But wait…one of the main complaints about the movie is that it’s not a very good comic book film and it’s bogged down by being too unrealistic. Ask yourself for a moment if ANY film with a man dressing up like a bat, a woman dressing up like a cat and a man called “the penguin” can ever be interpreted as true-to-life and that argument goes out the window. Perhaps you’re looking for the hyper realism served up in The Dark Knight. You might notice that every moment the most whimsical and unrealistic character, The Joker, who seems to bend the laws of space and time with his all-too-convenient plans is not on screen. Compare that to the romantic arc in Batman Returns. Batman and Catwoman are enemies but Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne are potentially lovers. Upon realizing each other’s identity for the first time, the immediate question posed is “do we start fighting?” This is a great way to delve into the psychological aspect of Batman. He’s often conflicted in his best moments by circumstances that make him want to give up his crusade; times when he’ll rise to the occasion and prove himself to be the true hero that he is. If you're questioning the scene where he kills a thug with dynamite you might as well question the scene where he levels Axis chemicals with explosives in 89', and also take into account that Bob Kane's Batman smoked a pipe and carried a gun. You have to wonder if Bruce meant what he said when he took off his cowl at the end of Returns and asked Selina to come away with him, or if he already knew she would never attempt to lead a “normal” life. Compare this to when Bruce wants to give up being Batman as a result of Rachel being DEAD in The Dark Knight. It makes for an excellent Batman arc…which contradicts how a lot of people say this isn’t a “Batman film.”

Isn’t the whole point of Batman the idea that he’s like an urban legend that strikes fear into the heart of his enemies? Batman isn’t going to flaunt around in every scene. That takes away a crucial element of mystery. Besides, he had his origin story in Batman 89. While the films don’t blend seamlessly given the shrunken scope of Gotham in Returns, you already know this Batman and what he’s capable of. Keaton delivers the same anger-fueled insanity in the role as he does in 89. If you don’t think there’s enough Batman in Returns, ask yourself what more was needed. As opposed to one villain in the first film, now there’s two that are extremely well developed, more so than any others in superhero films with multiple antagonists and there’s more action in this film than just about any of the other Batman films save for 89; all thanks to Batman and his comic book inspired arsenal of gadgets.

People have said that Returns is too dark for a comic book movie, but look at Watchmen on the other end of the spectrum…since when did comic books need to be lighter fare for kids? In addition to bringing comic book movies into the spotlight, 89 also legitimatized them as films for adults and kids alike. Returns knows exactly what it wants to be. It’s not totally stuck in fantasy, but it’s not grounded in realism either. It’s carved out a nice niche for itself in between the campiness of the silver age Batman comics and their outrageous plots and the darkness of its predecessor of a film. Part of the appeal of comic books at the time of their introduction as a graphic medium was the ability to convey the impossible without limitations opening up new kinds of storytelling. Now this is becoming more and more possible thanks to CGI, but it’s great to see a film that was able to set its own standards and create a unique world in the span of roughly 2 hours. It’s just the right blend of black comedy and horror tragedy while still safely under the mantle of Batman.

The iconography of a Batman film is present throughout Returns, often times less in-your-face than it is in the newer films or in 89’. For example: pimping the bat logo. There’s an unforgettably moronic shot in Batman 89 where the Batwing flies past the moon and creates the bat logo. Not only does this defy physics, but it’s superfluous. Even less realistically, the Begins Bat signal is comprised of a prisoner wearing cut rags tied to a searchlight. How about a nice way to tie in the iconic logo and the bat signal without shoving it down our throat like the simple shot of Wayne reading in Returns when the logo shines through the window and he stands up and looks at it. It’s simple. It’s effective. It’s purely badass. Some would say that the shape of the bat signal is too precise…I have to argue, does that matter AT ALL? Like I mentioned before, realism flies out the window period in comic book films, so the logistics of the shape of bat signal are much less relevant than the source of the logo being from a tormented Arkham escapee or an idiotic shot of the batwing blocking the moon. Also part of the Batman iconography in addition to the obvious batsuit, is the Batmobile. While the design of the Batmobile is introduced in 89, the scenes with it are a bit unceremonious and don’t really show off the sleek awesomeness of the vehicle to its full potential. There’s something very “constructed” and fake about it as it cruises through the streets tipping fruit stands. In Returns, it’s a viable threat when it’s under the penguins control, driving recklessly through streets and smashing cars at top speed. Then in one of the single greatest and most innovative comic book movie moments I can think of, the Batmobile splits off the sides into the “Batmissile” to squeeze through a narrow gap between two buildings. It’s this same kind of enthusiasm you see in the “Batpod” scene of The Dark Knight that really makes the truck chase scene stand out. It’s Batman being one step ahead, and ready for anything.

Which brings me to refute another fault of the film, is that The Penguin isn’t a credible threat to Batman. Physically, he never was, and never should be, even in comics. The appearance of the character, deformed physically and mentally in Burton’s vision immediately creates a more formidable presence than anything prior in the comics or other adaptations. The audience fears the Penguin. He admonishes the viewer for treating him differently. First invoking feelings of fear, then pity, and then feelings of hate, the same cycle of emotions that Shreck and the other denizens of Gotham feel towards Penguin in the film. Batman, ever-vigilant is never scared of The Penguin because he knows what he has to do to stop him. Despite his confidence, The Penguin still manages to nearly kill Batman several times in the film, including the Batmobile bomb, an umbrella gun at the end and with the penguin commandos.

One of my friends in particular, a fellow Batman enthusiast faults the film the most for the inclusion of the “penguin commandos” aka live penguin army that lives in the sewer and eventually waddles into the streets of gotham with rocket launchers strapped to their backs while responding to a frequency signal. I think given the absurd nature of the rest of the film, this fits in pretty well. With every failed attempt, the Penguin continues to get angrier and angrier at Batman until he goes to an extreme which he’s clearly had in reserve for a long time coming. This is every bit as dangerous, if not more so than the Joker spraying the city with laughing gas from parade balloons or say…fear toxin in the water supply. If anything I would say that this is slightly more believable than those. If you’re asking how penguin could have possibly acquired the resources, then you also have to ask yourself how The Joker is able to employ Police Officers in The Dark Knight and plant a bomb inside of an inmate while unarmed inside of a holding cell. There’s certain things you just have to accept because like it or not…Batman is still based on a comic book, and like I said earlier, comic books serve to tell stories in a visually appealing way which you couldn’t find elsewhere. As Returns plays out like a big screen comic complete with it’s own artistic style, taking the penguin commando army in stride should be easy to get past after the first five minutes of seeing a baby eat a cat and get tossed into a sewer. At worst you can laugh at these “lighter” deaths and at best you can build a hatred of The Penguin’s pathetic character. The pathos are all there. I would say that there’s less suspension of disbelief involved in frequency controlled penguins than Doc Ock controlling tentacles with his “brain chip” in Spiderman 2…or even the concept of a Spider bite giving someone super powers. I don’t see how it could be difficult to accept, especially in a universe as absurd as Batman’s.

So I’ve written a lot now trying to defend Returns from various possible criticisms (Why do people always bring tomatoes to speeches?) but what sets it apart from the rest? I can safely say that personally, as a lifelong Batman fan, Returns may be the most enjoyable Batman film to me. While for nostalgic reasons, The Dark Knight is still the most fun I ever had with a film given all the hype surrounding the release, Returns is worth a watch if you can overlook the lack of Nolan.

It’s the perfect mix of comic Batman characters with elements of movies ranging from comedy to horror. The suit is there. The tech is certainly there (remote controlled batarang anyone?). The action sequences are tight and well edited. On top of that, it also has my personal favorite musical score of all time for a film. Dark brooding, moody circus music perfectly fits the character of the Penguin and the slinky, screeching effects suit Catwoman’s character very well. Elfman also expands on the already great Batman theme from 89 and mixes the best cues when Batman is on screen with heightened versions of the Penguin suite when the characters are intercut on screen (such as the pursuit of the penguin through the sewers in the third act).

Speaking of the pursuit scene…out of all the secondary bat vehicles introduced in the third act of the Batman films (Batplane, Batwing, Bat sub, Batpod, Bat…sled…) the Batskiboat which narrowly dodges wayward missiles from Penguin Commandos is by far the coolest and most practical. There’s this great overwhelming presence of the absurd in Batman Returns, but the subject matter is so dark (I’ve heard people compare the film to an inkwell) that it’s hard to laugh at it. I think it’s a great mix for a Batman movie. It’s sad, often poignant at times, but also tends to feel like a sitcom akin to the 1966 Batman show crossed with the Addam’s Family. It’s a perfect cross between darkness and camp…beauty and the beast if you will.

One of the greatest scenes in the film is the death of the Penguin. After he has supposedly fallen to his watery grave through glass, he emerges dripping blood and bile from the water behind Batman, in one final attempt to kill him. He reaches for an umbrella, and accidentally "picks a cute one" before collapsing needing a "cold drink of ice water." Hated by everyone his entire life, in his death, the penguins emerge from the corners of his sewer lair and drag him into the water to sink to the bottom. It's touching, bizarre even to Batman, who watches the procession unfold. The music is powerful, sad and extremely fitting. It's incredible to see an incredibly humanizing and tragic end to a character that is so easy for most people to hate throughout the film.

Rather than just elude to the accepted truths of the Batman mythos like the super-urban high tech current films, grim to the core, I think Batman Returns is a good superhero film that’s certainly worth watching again if you feel like it’s “stupid” or not a “batman film.” I wish I could have spent more time praising the nuances in Devito’s performance or the greatness of Catwoman’s role in this film as the only truly well written female character in the Batman series’, but the pitiful legacy Returns has acquired among comic fans made this more of a crusade to set the record right. Though I would hardly call myself a Returns apologist…as there’s nothing to be sorry for. This is an excellent film.

"Come what may...Merry Christmas Mr. Wayne..."

"Merry Christmas Alfred. Goodwill toward men. And women."

My review of Super 8: marketing a film as retro doesn't mean it needs to be more of the same

To contact us Click HERE
Seeing a mob of confused people with failing electronic devices and flickering electricity in J. J. Abram’s newest virally-marketed flick, Super 8, I couldn’t help but be reminded of an episode of Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone with an episode called The Monsters are Due on Maple Street. In the classic episode, panicked townsfolk turn to the knowledge of a child who has read too many fantasy stories to guide them through the panic of an alien invasion. Ultimately the twist makes a statement and isn’t something you saw coming, which was always the case with the classic series. Sadly, with Super 8 and its equally mysteriously marketed predecessor Cloverfield from 2008; there is no twist, and the “surprise” of the films is exactly your first thought from the trailers.

The film opens with the protagonist, a young boy named Joe losing his mother and then flashes forward a few months to a group of enthusiastic young film makers attempting to film a zombie movie with a Super 8 camera. For “production value” they film a train as it’s passing by and it happens to explode multiple times. Before you know it the military is involved and it’s up to Joe’s father, the local sheriff, as played by Kyle Chandler (who seemingly holds the position of every other elected official in the town and conducts one-man press conferences) to save the world. Of course since the loss of his wife there has been some distance between him and his son and this alien disaster is just the kind of therapy their father-son relationship needed to bring them together in a one-dimensional and forced emotional arc.

It’s not the only shallow and uninteresting relationship in the movie though. Joe also quickly falls in love with a girl named Alice (Elle Fanning) applying monster make up on the film shoot and is willing to risk his life in the subsequent days to find her when she goes the way of the local dogs and appliances-missing. Scenes of Joe showing Alice footage of his mother and their bizarre under-age bonding experiences are where the film really tends to drag, though the action scenes are equally underwhelming and should serve to prove that the more explosions, thrashing tentacles and spastic unintelligible motion sequences you have in a movie doesn’t add to its stark and tasteful ambiguity, it only leaves the viewer slightly bored.

While it’s true, the use of child protagonists harkens back to older Speilberg films, you have to wonder how they became like a kid version of the A-team. One is a master of pyrotechnics, another a make up artist, one a brilliant actress and the other with an eye for storytelling. This premise unto itself, might have actually been more interesting than the wanton destruction and government conspiracies. Instead I’m left wondering why the film was marketed as if it were framed through a Super 8 camera and the logo of the film focused so much on that, as that plot line quickly devolves after the first 20 minutes until it’s no longer existent or relevant by the end of the film. While protagonists like Elliot in E.T. were able to stand alone in the 80’s and create a dramatic arc without forced drama, it was somehow necessary for Joe to be grieving the loss of his mother and making a film and falling in love prematurely to create a fully dynamic backdrop for alien invasion. And that aspect is nothing we haven’t seen before.

Super 8 borrows techniques and plot devices from tons of other films; from the accidental death of the mother as the result of the carelessness of a side character ala Signs to the government involvement of District 9, Super 8 felt like a movie that I’d seen before which added nothing new to the table. Some critics have said that if it was made in the 80’s it may have been a classic. I think it’s a little unfair to say that, because just about every movie that comes out now with advanced visual effects would have been as well. It feels slightly lazy to fall back on the draw of the film being a period piece with nods to older bodies of work to attempt to validate it. The movie magic surrounding Star Wars, E.T., Close Encounter of the Third Kind, and more is because those films really did something special that added to the ever changing medium of film and brought a new spectacle to the table. As much as I love homage’s to older movies and film connections, Super 8 just feels cut-and-dry and lifeless with no true emotional drive at the core and no genuine need to see how it ends, because you’ve seen it so many times before and you’re certain that all the characters will be fine. For a director that boasts such bold new visions, I can’t help but feel like this film is remarkably predictable and safe.

Toward the beginning of the film before disaster/invasion movie tropes became rampant and monotonous, the screenwriter of the group of kids is explaining how he read books on screenwriting and how you need to write in a love interest. When asked why he can’t supply a real reason other than “That’s how it works.” Thus Elle Fanning’s character is introduced into the zombie film. Ironically she exists in Super 8 for the same reason. For a movie apparently so aware of clichés it never made one attempt to avoid them or deviate from that little how-to guide to screen writing.

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tales of the Dead Man's Float

To contact us Click HERE
So this episode doesn't seem early on like it has too much potential to creep. Pass the scary intro, pass the typical Midnight Society chatter, hurp a durp durp, and the episode arrives at its intro. Basically, a kid in some pool starts screamin that somethings grabbing him in the water and the lifeguard jumps in to save him, but he can't get him out! The kid just drowns right there and one has to wonder... WHAT WAS PULLING HIM UNDER?

Cut ahead like 40 years or something to some nerd being nerdy and some bitch being bitchy. He invites her to see something that he thinks she'd like.

"He began to unzip his pants..."

Cut to next morning and it turns out the thing nerd boy wanted to show the chick was not his embarrassingly small genitalia, but was an abandoned pool in the schools basement (what the hell were they thinking). She says MAYBE YOU DON'T SUCK AT LIFE AFTER ALL (don't quote me on that) and cut to a few weeks later and hoeface convinced the school to set the pool up. THE PLOT THICKENS. Turns out that Mr. Nerd is helping her with her homework in exchange for sexual favors swimming lessons. Suddenly SOMETHING THROWS THEM OUT OF THEIR RAFT (why they have a raft in the swimming pool instead of just... standing on the edge of the pool I will never know). They think they're done for when suddenly HEROIC JANITOR PULLS THEM OUT IN THE NICK OF TIME! Why was he there when the only people in the pool were 2 young children? Why was he hiding from them until they were almost drowning? We may never know.

Pictured above: A convicted sex offender. With a HEART OF GOLD.

As to be expected from a senior citizen with a dead-end job, he has a boring story to tell. HE WAS THE LIFE GUARD IN THE INTRO, AND THE DROWNED KID WAS HIS BROTHERRR. He convinced the school to close the pool because it was killing people... Because the pool was built on an INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! When are people going to figure out that this kind of behavior will lead to homicidal haunts 95% of the time? It's common sense at this point, really. Anyways, old moustachio up there has no idea how to stop the beast. But science nerd MAGICALLY figures out that the ghost, smelling like ass, must be made of ACID. A native ghost made of fucking ACID, how bad can this get? So basically the kid decides to toss in some delicious chemicals to make the beast reveal its TRUE FORM. He tosses some Tang into the pool and the results are... ABSOLUTELY BAT SHIT INSANELY HORRIFYING.

The reason I dropped chemistry class.

SO CLEARLY, the producers forgot to mention to the director that this was a show for kids, but decided doing more filming to replace the beast with something less nightmare-inducing was too much strain on the budget. So this things been swimming around children in bathing suits and has been just dragging them down and going to town. GOD DAMN!

But as any hero would, the super hoe from the beginning of the episode has some death powder to burn the thing, but herpaderp nerd kid throws it out of her hands and into the pool. YOU'LL BURN YOURSELF OMG. Dumbass. They all decide to dive in to get it (kids these days) as Scruffy watches shitting bricks. The beast goes in to get them but being an indecisive creature just kind of fails at that. The kids grab the container, PUT GLOVES ON, and then destroy the beast.

Cut to like a week later and they're banging. Wow. Realistic.

Spook: 10/5
Funny: 0/5
Total: 4.5/5

If you're looking for an episode of these shows that are actually going to make you shit a brick, this one is what you'll be looking for every time.


Youtube link to the episode

Honourable Mention: The Cave

To contact us Click HERE
The cave was a short (5 minutes) film that I caught online and was directed by Rowan Brown. I am unsure of the date that the film was produced.

It begins with a man (Pierce Elliot Matsen) entering a cave, lighting a burning torch and then follows him through the dark maw of rock. The first thing to mention is the wonderful score by Loic Valmy that really adds an atmosphere to the piece and the fact that the lighting seems superbly done for a short indie piece.

the man with a stake

The Man, who we see wears a sword, eventually reaches an area where there is no cave roof, allowing him to stand in sunlight once more. Beyond the sunlight the cave continues and a woman (Nicole Miller), wearing a rich red dress, sits slumbering in a decorative chair. The man goes over to her and produces a stake. He stands above her but then we see that he can’t do it.

the vampire attacks

He brushes the woman’s hair tenderly and she awakens, bears fangs and attacks. He drops the stake but is able to get into the natural light. It is raining but the woman still can’t approach. He sees the stake in the dark of the cave and rushes for it. She attacks him again but he is able to stake her, causing her to scream but then – and this was a powerful piece of physical acting – her face softens and a heart-breaking look of peace crosses it.

That is it, no dialogue, short, sweet and to the point. At the time of this article there is no IMDb page.

New Release: the Media Vampire

To contact us Click HERE

Time for some shameless self-promotion of my reference book the Media Vampire: A study of vampires in fictional media.

The book is fully referenced and indexed and looks at the vampire fairly chronologically in the first part of the book from early poetry involving vampires through to Dracula. The second half of the book eclectically looks through topics that I was particularly interested in looking at when I wrote it.

It is currently available via Lulubut it should find its way onto Amazon and other online retailers in the not too distant future.

Lower down in this article is the blurb for the book but I also want to mention the new film database in the right hand links and offer tremendous thanks to Margaret who set the whole thing up for me. It is a work in progress but hopefully will add another dimension to the blog.

Back to the Media Vampire, and the blurb: From 18th Century poetry up to modern 3D cinema, the vampire has developed a genre in its own right.


Leaving behind its roots in phantasmagoria and horror, taking in romance, action and adventure, as well as flights of science fiction fantasy and political allegory.

The vampire is a part of all these fields of artistry and beyond them, a melting pot of imagination and invention that has captivated audiences around the world.

In the first part of this volume, Andrew M. Boylan - author of the famous vampire blog Taliesin Meets the Vampires, looks at the genesis of the vampire genre from Ossenfelder’s poem Der Vampir to Bram Stoker’s seminal novel Dracula.


The second part of the book spreads eclectically out from Dracula, just as the genre spread, taking in some famous kissing cousins of the genre as well as looking at the vampire's changing relationship with the divine and following the toothsome bloodsuckers out into space.