The 6Th Extinction

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Director: John Vincent

Release date: 2012

Contains Spoilers

In science, the 6th extinction is the next cataclysmic species extinction event on the Earth – scientists have produced dire warnings that the 6th extinction is fast approaching and the agent of destruction is mankind. Not in director John Vincent’s world view… the 6th extinction will be caused by vampires (and a major moon catastrophe, which I assume was supernatural in origin because otherwise it was blooming convenient) and we are the main victims thereof. The 6th Extinction, as used on the German DVD, is a better title than the domestic US Vampireland – obviously a cash in on Zombieland and Stake Land.

Unfortunately the film is flawed – and fatally so – and I say unfortunately because there is the kernel of a good idea in here.

run Shelly, run

The film begins in a washed-out post-apocalyptic future that mentions vampires and Renfields – the human servants of the vampires. It suggests that the plague began in Harper’s Grove, Michigan, a town known for ritual sacrifice of children. We see Shelly (Mahssa Rashidy) a survivor who is scavenging, crosses drawn roughly on her clothing. Renfields spot her and chase after her – she runs, trying to escape, and the scene freezes.

being watched

We are then back in time, the day before the night the world ended. Through the early part of the film we meet those who will star in this drama and some who will not… For instance, we meet a priest called (in credits) father Zachery O'Leary (Zach Zaitonia) and, in a badly paced scene, we see him going to his church, being watched (by a Renfield), and reading a treatise on the child sacrifice in the area. Seems important but, as all Hell breaks loose, he will have no more role than being summarily executed in a fairly pointless scene. Given we hear that all the churches in the area have been burnt down over a couple of days, why his was left flame free only for him to be executed as the night descends is one of those ineffable mysteries.

Mahssa Rashidy as Shelly

Other people we see include a volunteer fireman who isn’t getting much sleep with all the call outs. We meet Rick (Eric Jaan), who’s saying farewell to his lover (Amy Lynn Bulmer) just before his wife Pam (Misty Mills) arrives home, none the wiser with regards his infidelity. We meet a pre-apocalypse Shelly who is going on an internet arranged date with Michael (Michael Bugard). We also meet a load of guys with white sheet robes emblazoned with Day-Glo sigils – yes Renfields. So how does the world end?

raising the Vampire Lords

Well, as night falls one of them goes off and does a summoning ritual at four graves and resurrects the four vampire lords – essentially the four horsemen or they would be if they had horses. What they did have was really poor costumes. Honestly, if the dark Lord of the apocalypse comes knocking at my door and he is wearing a cheap paper mask… well let’s just say I’d find it a pretty disappointing apocalypse. That aside, other Renfields are going House to House executing the inhabitants via the medium of automatic weapons. There must have been other lesser vampires around because we hear later that, at the fires, people were dead who got up, attacked others who, in turn, become infected.

Michael, turned

Meanwhile, Shelly has nipped to the loo when a vampire attacks Michael. By the time she leaves the loo he has turned and wants a Shelly snack. The resultant chase shows us a lot about the vampires. At one point he throws someone and they turn into a bad cgi body as they fly with tremendous velocity through the sky and hit a nearby building. Likewise when a tank blows a hole in his chest he flicks it in a flurry of poor effect and bad cartoonish sound clip. Am I being hyper-critical… possibly… after all it was brave to try and put such effects in but they were obvious and detracted ultimately. As he chases her we discover he can’t cross a bridge over running water (though he can fly over it). He collars her at a house but she is saved as the fireman axes him and he turns into a flock of bats.

4 pedestrians of the apocalypse

Shelly and the fireman get in the house and Michael can’t follow. However, it is Rick’s house and he emerges from his cellar (where his wife and kid are hiding) with a shotgun and tells them to get out. They are, ironically, saved as Rick’s now vampiric lover walks in (called succubus in the credits, though she is just another vampire from what I can see). In a neat little twist the invite he gave her for rumpy pumpy, when human, holds true now she is a vampire. With some seeds thrown on the floor we discover that these vampires must compulsively count. When Rick tells her forcefully to get out (thus rescinding his invitation) she has to leave. With sunlight immolations, eye mojo and garlic burning the vampires I was impressed with the use of lore and the way the film went back to basics. Incidentally we see, during the course of the night, a meteor hit the moon, split it, sending debris to earth as part of the apocalypse – the physical impact being, one would guess, of supernatural origin. However, for the humans the trick will be surviving the night…

physical reaction

If I was impressed with the use of lore (and that is the good part of the film) and sympathetic of the effort they went into to make the effects – but not the results, I was less impressed with the rest of the film. The pacing was off but the acting was really off. Physical reactions that were simply pantomimic and dead dialogue delivery in what seemed to be poor post-production dub took the film and strangled much of the life out of it. The end sequence made little sense as it was too rushed and there were logic holes. If we have returned to a lot of the genre standard lore then one assumes (as we never see it) a stake to the heart would do the biz. Think back to Michael having a hole blown in his chest by tank shell… Now… what would have happened to his heart… obliterated… (Okay I accept they might have decided that only wood would do the job, but the film is silent and the point is fair I think)

There is a kernel here, but that is all it is. In general this was a fairly amateurish effort and the acting really did kill off any sympathy I might have had. 2 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

Night of the Vampire Hunter – review

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Director: Ulli Bujard

Release date: 2000

Contains spoilers

This is a no budget indie film, hailing from Germany, which was shot over three years as the filmmakers could afford to make the film. One thing that can often make an indie film stand out is story and I was really taken by the story idea behind this one, a clever little concept dwelt at its core – as we shall see.

It starts in an industrial landscape. A man is in his car and when he exits the vehicle and pops the boot we see he has a body in there. He leans over and we hear slurping and an animalistic growl. On the radio the presenter talks about the serial killer being dubbed the night stalker as the man gets back in the car and flosses his fangs – the boot pops open again. He gets out to look and we see a blade stabbing at him. He falls and the blade is used to curl his lip back, the fangs have vanished.

Stefan Keseberg asJens Feldner

Jens Feldner (Stefan Keseberg) is dressed as his alter-ego Henry Gloom, vampire author, and is being interviewed by Franco Herkenrath (Peter Schrader). As Henry, Jens has written a series of vampire stories, the Night Shade series. His vampires are affected by crosses, holy water and garlic but have reflections and, though long lived, they are not immortal. Thus they can be killed by a stake through the heart, as a human can, but also by knife or gun. A bite turns but most victims simply die.

bar vampyr

Jens gets home to his partner Selin (Nicole Bujard). She is getting ready to go to work; she works in a photo processors at night. She gets to work and changes into going out clothes. She makes a call, but the line is engaged, and then goes to a bar called vampyr. Whist in there she sends a man, Teddy (Erich Amerkamp), a drink and, within minutes, they are going to his place.

time to snack

Suddenly, as he develops fangs and his eyes glow, she exclaims that he was meant to be her dinner. They talk, embarrassed, and he tells her of other vampires in the area. She gets out a knife and kills him, stating that she hates vampires. She then notes the names she got in a notebook. At this point the film has played with our expectations… she is a vampire… she is a hunter… we quickly discover she is actually both – and whilst Jens knows she is a vampire (and his inspiration for Night Shade), he doesn’t know she is the night stalker – whose victims are all vampires. The reason for her nocturnal activities? Jens discovered, through his research, that if she can kill the vampire who turned her without having bitten a human she will revert to human. The trouble is, she doesn’t know who turned her.

vampire in the sun

As the story goes on she meets a human, Arnold Zahn (Alex Kaese), who wants to be turned and stalks her and, of course, the vampires are looking for the one killing their brethren. Also, Jens might be closer to the one who turned Selin than he thinks. In a nice bit of character development the phone call Selin tried to make was to her mother, whom she can’t speak to but can’t stop calling – freaking her poor mother out.

an ancient face

The rules that Jen uses in his fiction aren’t quite right, they are not affected by crosses at all (unless you happen to stab one through an eye socket!) They are affected by sunlight, however. Whilst vampires lose their fangs when killed, older vampires may rapidly decay and a dead vampire in the sun might rot and develop pustules that pop. We also see an older vampire looking worse for wear naturally (as it were). The effects aren’t fantastic, but they function and a lot of sins are hidden within the very dark and grainy photography that actually suits the dark mood of the film.

The film isn’t perfect, some of the performances are better than others but I really did like the story and the dour atmosphere. There was a genuine attempt to build character – especially around Jens and Selin. It wouldn’t win an award but it is worth catching. 5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

Soulless – review

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Author: Gail Carriger

First published: 2009

Contains spoilers

The Blurb: Alexia Tarabotti is labouring under a great many social tribulations. First, she has no soul. Second, she's a spinster whose father is both Italian and dead. Third, she was rudely attacked by a vampire, breaking all standards of social etiquette.

Where to go from there? From bad to worse apparently, for Alexia accidentally kills the vampire - and then the appalling Lord Maccon (loud, messy, gorgeous, and werewolf) is sent by Queen Victoria to investigate.

With unexpected vampires appearing and expected vampires disappearing, everyone seems to believe Alexia responsible. Can she figure out what is actually happening to London's high society? Will her soulless ability to negate supernatural powers prove useful or just plain embarrassing? Finally, who is the real enemy, and do they have treacle tart?

The review: I have had the first three books of “The parasol Protectorate” series on my ‘too read pile’ for some time, having picked them up at a publishers’ clearing house and this being the first book of the series, and actually I’m kind of kicking myself for not having read it sooner.

It is, I suppose, in the realm of urban fantasy, but then lifted and placed into a Victorian alternate steampunk universe. It is a world where the supernatural are well known, where they are accepted in Britain (for the most part) and hated in the US (the puritans having gone there to escape the supernaturals in the first place). As well as the great dollop of Vernian steampunk, there is a streak of social niceties as High Society in London follow very precise rules of etiquette. This lends the book a great deal of its humour.

What I loved about the book, however, was the premise behind the supernatural creatures. There are three main types, ghosts (tethered to a geographic radius from their body), werewolves (able to change at will, but becoming feral on the full moon) and vampires (territorial and mainly based around hives). All three come about – through whatever method is applicable – because the human they were had a surfeit of soul. Those with less soul will not survive the turning process.

Looking back to the blurb, you’ll see that the heroine, Alexia, is soulless. To ghosts she is known as an exorcist, to werewolves a curse-breaker and to vampires a soul-sucker. The polite term is preternatural and if she puts her hand on, say, a vampire then they become human and vulnerable again (for the length of the contact). Their fangs would vanish, they could stand in sunlight but anything that would kill a human would also kill them.

A fascinating lore basis and we begin to see a vampire society where the vampires are mostly in hives, though there are loner vampires called roves, and only queens are able to turn humans. Their helpers are known as drones and both vampires and werewolves tend to choose arty types as their human aids because they have more soul – on the other hand poor old Alexia, with no soul at all, struggles with the more arty concepts throughout the narrative.

Great fun, 7 out of 10.

The Vampire of Highgate – review

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Author: Asa Bailey

First Published: 2012

Contains spoilers

The Blurb: Kathy is an innocent – an outsider – who longs to belong somewhere. Anywhere.

When Kathy starts having vivid dreams of her lost sister, Amber, she finds herself called from her New York home to London – Amber’s last known whereabouts. Convinced that Amber’s disappearance is entwined with the legend of the Highgate Vampire, Kathy begins a deadly search to uncover the truth about her family’s past, little realizing that she is being drawn in to the final resting place of London’s most ancient and powerful vampire…

Inspired by actual events that took place in and around London’s Highgate Cemetery, The Vampire of Highgate is a bone-chilling tale of dark secrets and deadly intentions.

The review: Whether you believe a vampire did haunt London’s Highgate Cemetery (and the testimony of one or the other of the main protagonists of the real world claims) or you think it a load of old tosh that was either cynically manipulated by sensationalists or simply the delusion of fantasists, the fact of the matter is there is precious little in the way of literature and films that have been directly inspired by the accounts/myths of the Highgate Vampire.

This book is part of the ‘books with bite’ range, a children’s series from the publishers Hodder and, perhaps, the blurb’s sensationalist “inspired by actual events” might have been toned down to “alleged events” given the target audience.

Now I do not mind, as an adult, reading books aimed for a younger audience, but I did find this one particularly unchallenging, perhaps even bland, in its language, which was a shame. I also wondered at the heroine’s casual use of anti-anxiety medication and considered whether I was being a little too prissy thinking that it was a wee bit too blasé – though I was glad to see a positive portrayal of someone with mental health issues and the association of such issues with the heroine of the piece. Negatively I found some of the character motivations under-explored – for example a character, Antwain, who seemed to have been around since at least 70 AD was still only half vampire, was subservient to a vampire created in the nineteenth century and was a little too eager to help the mortal Kathy (who we discover is from a race born to be vampire slayers). This might have worked if the motivation of characters had been explored in depth. Many other characters were little more than line drawings they were so thin.

The author did look to explore the alternative history of the vampires and whilst the vignettes through time certainly worked (adding, at least a little, much needed depth to the narrative) I found my suspension of disbelief challenged by the aforementioned 70 AD section that seemed to confuse gospel writers with disciples (that may have been purposeful and in need of narrative expansion) and suggested Muslim involvement some five hundred years before the birth of Mohammed.

When it came to vampire lore the author drew in Christian mythology and suggested that the vampires (or at least one) attended the Last Supper, with a further inference that several of the disciples may have been vampires but shying from a full blown ‘Christ the vampire’ line. By not exploring this in depth I was left wondering at the connections. Vampirism is passed through a bite and yet the vampires are also described as a separate race – indeed the hunters are “a race of people related to the vampires… …our races have been fighting each other since the dawn of time.” Vampires and hunters seem to have access to magic to one degree or another – the Highgate Vampire held in the cemetery by glyphs. Lore-wise, it was all a bit of a confused mess to be honest, though I liked the idea that the Highgate Vampire could move from one host to another and thus had to be trapped rather than slain.

Asa Bailey has done something positive in that the Highgate Vampire deserves to be the subject of stories and films. Whether one believes is irrelevant, there is a marvellous core tale to be exploited. There are also good ideas within this book but it is let down by under exploration within the narrative and uninspired prose. 4 out of 10.

First reviewed on Amazon UK as part of the Vine Programme.

Taliesin Meets… …Mark Devendorf and Mauricio Chernovetzky

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T_ttlg: Hi Mark and Mauricio, welcome to Taliesin Meets the Vampires.

What inspired you to look to making a vampire movie and more specifically one based on Carmilla?

MC: When we first decided to team up and make our debut feature, we didn’t set out to make a vampire film, we just wanted to make a compelling film. But "Carmilla" really captivated us. And when we saw the movies based off of it (Vampiros Lesbos), we realized the aspects that most interested us about the novella had never been put on screen: the teenage romantic obsession with death, the atmosphere, the parasitic relationship between the two girls.

MD: When we started working on the script, we were told several times, “don’t do vampire films, no one sees vampire films.” In fact, someone at HBO said this to us, a couple of years before True Blood came out.

T_ttlg: Where you a fan of the LeFanu story before embarking on this project?

Mark Devendorf

MD: I’m a bit of an antiquarian, so I enjoy reading bygone authors, like Arthur Machen, M.R. James, and Sheridan Le Fanu. Mauricio and I had been looking for a project to do together. We’d pass short stories back and forth, to see if there was mutual interest. We couldn’t find the right project until I read “Carmilla.” I passed it to Mauricio, who was intrigued as well. That started the conversation that led to the research, the script, raising the money, and ultimately the film.

T_ttlg: When was the decision made to base this in a contemporary setting rather than the period setting of the story?

MD: We set it in 1989 for a few reasons. 1. It feels a little pre-modern, but is still hovering at the edges of everyone’s memories. 2. That was when we were teenagers. 3. We thought journeying behind the Iron Curtain would make the film more compelling.

Mauricio Chernovetzky

MC: Setting it behind the Iron Curtain gave us a chance to explore the atmosphere of an authoritarian world on the brink of collapse. But we also wanted to capture a story that had a timeless quality to it. Our main location, the mysterious Schlossberger Castle provided that environment. Its decaying gothic atmosphere helped us tell the story of "Carmilla" as a recurring phenomenon, a cyclical myth playing itself out at that specific moment in time.

T_ttlg: I understand you researched the background and found information that Carmilla was based on a reported event. Could you tell us about that?

MD: "Carmilla" was based on a couple of recorded incidents that took places in the 18th and 19th Century (click here and here). Taking this as starting point, we made remarkable discovery: "Vampirism" is real!

MC: Let us clarify, "vampires," are not real, but the phenomena of "vampirism," is real

suicide clusters

T_ttlg: Your research tied suicide with vampirism… more specifically mass suicides. Could you tell us more about that?

MC: Yes, what Mark and I realized was that Vampirism not only occurred in the past, but it still happening today. Sociologists and psychologists have simply given it a more scientific name: "Suicide Clusters."

MD: These cases all follow a similar pattern: In a small community or town, one person dies or commits suicide. Soon another person, usually a friend or relative is haunted by the dead person until they fall ill or kill themselves. Soon, then the "infection" spreads until dozens are dead. Barring communicable diseases, the only explanation pre-modern villagers had was the supernatural notion they called "Vampirism."

MC: Modern psychology attempted to wipe these supernatural explanations away, supplanting them with new names and new theories. Yet, this same exact phenomenon is still occurring today. In Wales, a few years back one teenager killed herself, then 18 followed, often hanging themselves from the same tree as the original girl. (click here)

MD: And just recently, Australia has been experiencing an inexplicable wave of suicides. (click here)

MC: What's really remarkable is that psychologist still can't really explain the cause of suicide clusters, so it in a way, they've just changed the name, but have done little to discover the root problem. The mystery remains.

film still

MD: When we realized no one else put this together, it gave us another reason to make the film.

T_ttlg: So in your film the vampire tries to push the victim towards suicide. Do they prey on their victims in any other way?

MC: Carmilla turns out to be a very sophisticated seductress. She will resort to an all out psychological warfare to get Lara to join her. And this is what STYRIA is ultimately about; it depicts the nightmare that threatens to consume Lara Hill.

T_ttlg: I know that Mark has shot documentaries in the past, are there any plans to make a documentary about what you found in your research at any point?

MD: Both of us have a background in documentary. Part of me is really tempted to explore this subject further, perhaps in a documentary. But I want to finish Styria first.

inside the castle

T_ttlg: The castle the film used as the primary location looks amazing, can you tell us about the castle and how you came to find it?

MD: We searched as much as we could remotely, looking at different castles online and in books. Then we traveled to Poland, Austria, and Hungary. In Hungary, we spent a long weekend just driving to 10 different castles. Most of the places we visited were either in too good of shape, or completely in ruins. Then we saw Schlossberger Castle in the small town of Tura, about 45 minutes outside of Budapest and we were blown away! It was this amazing piece of crumbling architecture, which is exactly what we wanted. The place was perfect!

T_ttlg: It sounded very much as though the castle is as much a character as the people in the film.

MC: When you spend time in this castle, you get the sense that the architect had gone mad. There are these spiraling stone stairs that lead into the castle’s basement, which is laid out like a labyrinth. There is so much mystery to the place, it’s palpable.

T_ttlg: I’m a big fan of Stephen Rae, how was he to work with?

Stephen Rae

MD: Stephen Rea had all the qualities we wanted for Lara’s father. He's a great actor, with a strong on screen presence. He was very particular about his character’s outfits. He also wanted all of his dialogue and actions to feel real. This gives the film a great deal of naturalism. Also, his being so well regarded amongst actors meant that all the other actors wanted to step up their game.

MC: Yes, Stephen helped raise the stakes for everyone else. I think his presence inspired the rest of the cast. He was a great asset for the film. Since at it's core Styria tells the of the intense and fractured relationship between two teenage girls, the soul of the film rests on Eleanor Tomlinson and Julia Pietrucha, who both gave absolutely wonderful performances.

T_ttlg: Are there any on-set anecdotes you’d wish to share with us?

MD: On set was a controlled kind of chaos, with us trying to get as much quality out of the little money we had everyday. It was really an international set, we had a Hungarian, Polish, American & Mexican crew with an Irish, English, Hungarian & Polish cast. We heard horror stories of runaway budgets, but our crew worked very hard in cold, sleet, and snow.

Julia Pietrucha

MC: Just as we were securing our main locations, we found out that Angelina Jolie's film crew wanted to shoot in our castle. This pushed our start date back a week, which was a concern because winter was fast approaching. And with two more days left to shoot, six inches of snow fell in one day. We did our best to dig out sets and shoot as much as we could, but for the car accident scene that introduces Carmilla, we had to wait a year, and then shoot it in Poland.

MD: The locals, many of whom were extras were an amazing group. Everyone was very friendly. On our one day off a week, when we got breakfast & coffee from the town market, one man stumbled up to us, drunk, at 9am, demanding to be in the film, or he would kill himself. We were a little worried at first, but we were told that he'd been threatening to kill himself everyday for the past 40 years.

Eleanor Tomlinson

T_ttlg: You are currently running a kickstarter pledge to finish the film, could you tell us a little about that, what the money would go towards and what they’d get in return?

MC: The film is locked, but we are doing a kickstarter so that we can finish a few things, namely, sound design, score, vfx, color correction and music rights.

MD: Yes. Music rights are very expensive! We feel strongly about connecting the 80s goth sound to the gothic storyline, so hopefully we can keep that vision alive.

MC: All of the pledge categories and gifts are listed on our kickstarter page. We hope your readers will watch our video (which talks more about our research), the official movie trailer and then decide to be part of STYRIA.

T_ttlg: Thanks for your time.

My very own OFFICIAL HOLIDAY LIST!!! (I'm such a nerd)

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I'll admit I've been saving up things to say for this one. It seems like I'm just brimming with my own unique facets of craziness which must be expressed in the form of holiday blogs.


LOOKIT ALL DIS CHRISTMAS SHIT! First it was white out MTN Dew…and now I’ve taken a trip to Dunkin Donuts yielding RED ASS donuts. I don’t know what it is that’s so good about red icing, but it has a certain chalky, tangible consistency that’s rarely found in icing of other colors. I appreciate it. I also appreciate how long and widespread this promotion has been. I’ve found these at MULTIPLE Dunkin locations now, being flanked by the gingerbread donut. The gingerbread flavoring in this one is convincing, though I think the caked on frosting helps. A note about frosting: The more dry and plastic in consistency it is, the better it is. I can’t stand it when shit gets on my hands and when it gets greasy. Even if I do hold my donuts with napkins, It’s just an unpleasant experience smattering your face in donut…grease. Makes you feel hot and sweaty and disgusting. I can’t even talk about this anymore. Let’s talk about something else disgusting…(as I’m coming down from a nauseating “Bolocoma”….
Mcrib is back. El Sabor or something the sign says en espanol. For only 4.50 (Tax included) you can now get the porklet sandwhich, fries, a drank and a FREE apple pie. I imagine, due to the hand printed out signs, that this is not a nation-wide promotion. Either way, I was feeling the Christmas cheer. It’s the season of getting. I don’t know when the Mcrib will actually be gone for good, but I shall not mourn it given the enormously long span of time in which it’s been available to us now. I think I’ve had about 4 of them in this time period though, and they’ve been getting increasingly less impressive.

We actually have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season…and a lot to look forward to. I’m going to now rattle off my official CHRISTMAS LIST! A top ten things I want or ten things I’m looking forward to that are pretty cool stories…bro. I guess this is really a nerdy/trendy Christmas list more than anything, but it’s basically the driving reasons to be alive during the winter months.

1. TRON! Coming out this week is the new super sleek astroglide movie TRON with Jeff Bridges. Hopefully it has nothing to do with the original TRON, which sucks a fat one. It looks like nonsensical fun with visual wonder.

2. THE TOWN on Blu Ray. So apparently, Ben Affleck’s new movie THE TOWN comes out this week on blu ray (to relatively little hype) with an EXTENDED cut that makes the movie half an hour longer. I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to see some of that. This was easily one of my favorite movies this year so I’m eager of course, to see more of it.

3. The Tron Soundtrack…by DAFT PUNK. While I already mentioned the hype for TRON itself, I don’t think I mentioned how damn cool the soundtrack is, which was made by the electronica band, DAFT PUNK. One of the tracks (Track 2, the grid) features Jeff Bridges talking over images of lightcycles and crazy shit flying through the computer screens.
4. BATMAN RETURNS-THE EXTENDED SOUNDTRACK. This is something that’s REALLY important to me, possibly more so than most of the things on this list purely because I’ve been waiting so long for it. The simple fact that I have it though, makes it a little harder to be excited for, like the TRON soundtrack. I’ve always believed this to be Danny Elfman’s best score so this is really a treat getting to hear alternate cues and extended tracks from the score that I’ve been familiarizing myself with since the mid 90’s on cassette tape.
5. The Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job Chrimbus Special. Oh I love Tim and Eric. Their sense of ironically lame humor is highly relevant to my interests. Needless to say, the Chrimbus special now on itunes) improves just about every time I watch the damn thing. It’s been a long, difficult summer and fall without Tim and Eric since the final season of the show ended. Hopefully the Chrimbus special will be a yearly thing and is a sign of more lolz to come.

6. Rocky Horror Picture Show Anniversary Blu Ray. Rocky Horror has been a struggle to get on DVD or blu ray of any kind, but now that it’s finally been transferred, and the transsexual movie is finally on shelves at Walmart and Target, it’s much more attainable. I haven’t broke down and bought this one yet, but hopefully someone gets the hint and picks it up for me…EITHER THAT OR I WASTE MY OWN MONEY ON IT.

7. Admiral Ackbar…the action figure. IT’S A TRAP! No…no it’s not. Instead it’s the best toy version of Admiral Ackbar yet. Highly worthy of purchase, especially at the relatively low exchange rate of currency for fishman of $7 at your local retailer. He comes in the traditional 1980’s style packaging as well to boot. But it’d be a crime to leave Admiral Ackbar in the box when there’s so many lolz to be made. I already have mine. WHERES YOURS?
8. Machete on Blu Ray. While this one is more of a New Years present, Machete complete with cooking lessons from Robert Rodriguez, behind the scenes, and all the extras you can shake a blade at, will be out January 3rd. You can bet your ass I’m excited for this release and I’ll be picking it up regardless of circumstance the day it comes out. Hopefully I’m not too broke from dumping money into all the rest of this stuff by the time it comes out.

9. TRUE GRIT. Coen Brothers. Bridges. Johnny Cash. Epic Little girl. Brolin. Damon. Amazing. That’s about all I have to say. We’re less than a week from GODDAMN TRUE GRIT, which is my most anticipated film of the entire year, and it comes out just a couple days before the year ends. What could possibly outrank this in terms of importance you ask?

10. GOOD WILL TOWARDS MEN. And a merry christmahanukwanzika to everyone. Are you JUDGING me for not being able to think of ten reasons to be alive? A joyous holiday season to you all. Eat shit and die.

90's rocks LIVES...(in the rainforest)

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So 90’s Rocks died a painful death it seems. But now it's back. It's a zombie blog. Scratch that. Fuck zombies. I'm tired of how trendy they are now. I liked them better as the subject of cult films. A lot has happened since the last installment in the chronicling of promotional food items and the unwarranted worship of lowbrow crap intended for children. It’s not really worth opening that can of tuna right now though, when there’s new inspiration afoot for more passionate rambling about the unimportant. The show must go on; though I feel like I’ve said that before on this blog. Sloth can be the vice of men, and I fear I’ll never write another word in my life of my own volition unless I just painfully bring hand to trackpad and sweat it out. So that’s this then. I’m dedicating this post to a certain blogger, whose achievements in the blogosphere make this one look pitiful; but motivated me to keep at it.

This past summer one of my good friends and I traveled to Orlando on what was essentially a suicide mission to meet Mark Hamill (which didn’t even pan out). Apparently now days Mark’s career has devolved into charging over 100 bucks for a photo op. Who does he think he is…Bill Murray? Anyway, while we were taking buses and cabs around the city of dreams hunting down K Marts and Chick Fil A in the ass-kicking heat, I insisted that we go to DOWNTOWN DISNEY. If you’re living a meaningless life, and you’re unfamiliar with Orlando Florida’s layout and in particular the layout of the Disney Parks (which I think I could easily write 10-15 blog posts about) then you’ll know about the subdivision marketplace area lovingly called DOWNTOWN DISNEY. I think this place really peaked in its cool factor for me at the early turn of the century when the phrase “virtual reality” actually fucking meant something. They had this building full of simulators called Disney Quest which was a popular birthday destination. They also had a huge Virgin Records store, which was the first place in the world where I discovered the scent of marijuana. One of the coolest features was this Planet Hollywood gift shop thing which had insanely expensive film props. We’re talking actual Batman Forever costumes and Ewok fur. The things men go to war to protect. When I was younger I was all about the LEGO store there too. All of these good things have been torn down, replaced or metaphorically shit on over the years and I pity the current younger generation that is told that this is what “fun is all about.” You know nothing about fun. It’s not too late though. It’s never too late, as long as Rainforest Café still stands. Motherfuck!


So what drew your attention to Rainforest café? Oh maybe that it’s a giant goddamn volcano? Or maybe the enormous mushroom standing guard of the place. Or maybe the big animatronic alligator howling out of his aged voice chip at the door? Sidenote: We need more animatronic creatures in today’s society. I miss being able to walk into museums and seeing Dinosaurs and then trying to feed them debris against the will of the “No Touching” signs. So if themed food is pretty much the best thing in the world and if y=mx+b, then clearly a themed RESTAURANT is almost too good for the general public to be allowed to even set eyes on. Walking into Rainforest Café is a sensory overload. I can’t even begin to describe it properly. How can I possibly impart that smell of recycled fountain water? I’m just going to close my eyes and put myself there, typing out a stream of consciousness attempting to describe this place to you.

Apes. Big ol lovable apes banging on their boobs. That is a huge fucking parrot. I didn’t know they came in that size. There is a frog on that tree. Oh yes there are trees. Did you like the sky in Harry Potter? That’s good because the sky in here is like the night sky with light up dots on it. Every twenty minutes or so it’s gonna rain so you better be prepared. There are snakes hanging from the ceiling. Copious amounts of Spanish Moss…I’m afraid it’s going to fall onto my plate. How can a grilled cheese be that expensive? Can I try your cocktail mom? They aren’t going to ARREST us for god sakes it looks like tomato juice! Did you guys see how cool the bathrooms are? Boy this place really makes Bugaboo Creek look like the 7th layer of hell doesn’t it? I’m not leaving without at least 20 bucks worth of animal related shit from the gift shop. Airbrushed t-shirts preferable.

And before you know it the whirlwind of pure elation is over and you’re paying the bill leaving mildly hungry but also possibly suffering from indigestion. Rainforest is a fan of the tiny portion, but fuck it who goes there for the food? Someday I’d like to go back to Rainforest when I’m old enough to drink beer like a real man on a safari and get WASTED and crack up at the elephants. I’m pretty sure that the air vents in Rainforest expel pure MDMA or something. The only other restaurant that can get me stoked like this is this Mars 2112 place in New York which has an Alien Motif, complete with costumed assholes. Rainforest is/was a chain as far as I know though, and there were others to attend outside or Orlando. I think that it’s in a vacation spot only adds to the experience though.

I’ve been to Rainforest 2 times in the past decade. That’s about 96 times too few. I think one hundred would be a little excessive. I’m really hoping they stay in business long enough to remain my fall back plan of employment if this whole college thing doesn’t work out. This also might be one of those “You had to be there” type things where if you went there for the first time now like my friend did this summer; as you might be unable to fully appreciate the awe inspiring awesome of Rainforest. So save the trees folks…otherwise there won’t be a reason for Rainforest Café to parody nature anymore; though as far as I’m concerned the world could become a post apocalyptic, carbon monoxide filled wasteland as long as we still celebrated Halloween and there was a Rainforest Café somewhere. And shamrock shakes. Those are really important too. I’ve had 9 of them since the month started. It’s like my very own March Madness minus the sports.

I'M KINDA EXCITED TO SEE THOR

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Hark! The title bestowed upon this blog post was so obvious an old man and a fool could have agreed upon it. This entry shall here by be wrote in the tongue of the Norseman and the mighty Anthony Hopkins. Upon the rumblings of April, the heavens of Asgard opened and struck the world with Thor-mania. Odin looked upon his work and proclaimed it was good. 7-11 was among the first of puny human establishments to fall to the might of the mjolnir. Thou dare visit 7-11 upon multiple happenstance to exchange currency for thine mighty Thor Slurpees? Nay. Surely you jest Loki! I jest not. Thou hath consumeth now a trifle short of four Thor Slurpees, with the number equivalent to three.

Be there a flavor of god nector flavored with the scent of the maiden Natalie Portman or Thor Sweat, my attempts to find it have been met with failure. I have filled my goblet and drank well of COCA COLA and CHERRY FLAVORED slurpees emblazoned with the thor crests of advertising.

The first thing mere mortals may notice about the goblets is they are adorned with the lenticular motion patterns of hammer-tossing. Atop the perch of the ...lid...rests a mighty statue of a god or foe or Asgard for children drinking the slurpee to devlope idol worship upon. They will cling to these miniature talismans of the mighty Marvel franchise for the rest of their pathetic lives, spiting their foolish parents who try to make them believe the heroic avenger's golden locks are but myth.

So far in my travels thou has exchanged around a grand total of around ten dollars of human currency for thor related slurpee trinket, now posessing resuable plastic cups and straws with the manly visage of Thor, Loki and the evil fire breathing destroyer. Tis a grand bargain and cause for celebration surely!

What could improve perhaps these glorious tokens of asgard? Why of course the jolly liquid known as VODKA. Nave, coward and god alike shall walk the streets swinging hammers with reckless abandon under it's spell with Thor slurpees posessing more spikes than the armor of thee destroyer!

Having enjoyed them to maximum godly potential now, I still require one more cup and miniature ho figurine to have them all. The marking spell of Odin is absolute. So I will soon pound my fist upon the countertop of 7-11 yelling for ANOTHA!

It's human nature to fear the unusual: A critical look at Batman Returns

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The inspiration to write a post struck me late at night, and here I sit in the dark attempting to set a record straight and right injustices against a family name, much like Oswald Cobblepot aka The Penguin pouring over birth certificates in the hall of records about a third of the way through Batman Returns. The family name I’m out to defend is that of the Burton Batman films, and this one in particular which as Christopher Walken elegantly puts it “frankly has a bum rep.” Perhaps the conclusions you can draw from the film’s plot itself and the reputation it has are eerily similar. Abandoned at it’s conception by critics and “comic fans” alike, Returns perhaps isn’t nearly as bad as some make it out to be, only misunderstood by those who can’t see past the grotesque exterior. Much like Batman himself, I feel the need to defend something which cannot save itself, and much like Catwoman; the subject matter at hand is too sexy and insane to be revered in the eyes of the public.

Batman 89’, which I might have been too harsh analyzing is still universally respected by critics and comic fans, many of whom are too bitter and jaded to admit that it may very well be a more true-to-form Batman and Joker story than The Dark Knight. Its sequel Returns however, falls prey to several complaints that are almost always the same by anyone criticizing it; which I’ve heard so many times that I’d venture to call them stereotypical critiques. While Batman 89 is decidedly dated at times and often very aged and misguided feeling in parts, I feel like Batman Returns builds and expands on the themes while incasing the story within the austere whimsical world of Tim Burton. I’d go so far as to say that Batman Returns is the most stylistically affected, though not afflicted, film Burton has ever done. This was a director at his peak; and it’s a shame to see how studios lost faith in these macabre visions for a while after this film’s release.

Perhaps one of the biggest faults Returns has, isn’t even to blame on the film itself so much as the untimely and nonsensical summer release. This is a Christmas film through and through, though it explores the darker and less jolly aspects of the holiday. Prevalent arctic themes, tree lightings and even a bittersweet wishing of Merry Christmas on the last line of the film add to the perversion of the holiday across a comic book landscape.

But wait…one of the main complaints about the movie is that it’s not a very good comic book film and it’s bogged down by being too unrealistic. Ask yourself for a moment if ANY film with a man dressing up like a bat, a woman dressing up like a cat and a man called “the penguin” can ever be interpreted as true-to-life and that argument goes out the window. Perhaps you’re looking for the hyper realism served up in The Dark Knight. You might notice that every moment the most whimsical and unrealistic character, The Joker, who seems to bend the laws of space and time with his all-too-convenient plans is not on screen. Compare that to the romantic arc in Batman Returns. Batman and Catwoman are enemies but Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne are potentially lovers. Upon realizing each other’s identity for the first time, the immediate question posed is “do we start fighting?” This is a great way to delve into the psychological aspect of Batman. He’s often conflicted in his best moments by circumstances that make him want to give up his crusade; times when he’ll rise to the occasion and prove himself to be the true hero that he is. If you're questioning the scene where he kills a thug with dynamite you might as well question the scene where he levels Axis chemicals with explosives in 89', and also take into account that Bob Kane's Batman smoked a pipe and carried a gun. You have to wonder if Bruce meant what he said when he took off his cowl at the end of Returns and asked Selina to come away with him, or if he already knew she would never attempt to lead a “normal” life. Compare this to when Bruce wants to give up being Batman as a result of Rachel being DEAD in The Dark Knight. It makes for an excellent Batman arc…which contradicts how a lot of people say this isn’t a “Batman film.”

Isn’t the whole point of Batman the idea that he’s like an urban legend that strikes fear into the heart of his enemies? Batman isn’t going to flaunt around in every scene. That takes away a crucial element of mystery. Besides, he had his origin story in Batman 89. While the films don’t blend seamlessly given the shrunken scope of Gotham in Returns, you already know this Batman and what he’s capable of. Keaton delivers the same anger-fueled insanity in the role as he does in 89. If you don’t think there’s enough Batman in Returns, ask yourself what more was needed. As opposed to one villain in the first film, now there’s two that are extremely well developed, more so than any others in superhero films with multiple antagonists and there’s more action in this film than just about any of the other Batman films save for 89; all thanks to Batman and his comic book inspired arsenal of gadgets.

People have said that Returns is too dark for a comic book movie, but look at Watchmen on the other end of the spectrum…since when did comic books need to be lighter fare for kids? In addition to bringing comic book movies into the spotlight, 89 also legitimatized them as films for adults and kids alike. Returns knows exactly what it wants to be. It’s not totally stuck in fantasy, but it’s not grounded in realism either. It’s carved out a nice niche for itself in between the campiness of the silver age Batman comics and their outrageous plots and the darkness of its predecessor of a film. Part of the appeal of comic books at the time of their introduction as a graphic medium was the ability to convey the impossible without limitations opening up new kinds of storytelling. Now this is becoming more and more possible thanks to CGI, but it’s great to see a film that was able to set its own standards and create a unique world in the span of roughly 2 hours. It’s just the right blend of black comedy and horror tragedy while still safely under the mantle of Batman.

The iconography of a Batman film is present throughout Returns, often times less in-your-face than it is in the newer films or in 89’. For example: pimping the bat logo. There’s an unforgettably moronic shot in Batman 89 where the Batwing flies past the moon and creates the bat logo. Not only does this defy physics, but it’s superfluous. Even less realistically, the Begins Bat signal is comprised of a prisoner wearing cut rags tied to a searchlight. How about a nice way to tie in the iconic logo and the bat signal without shoving it down our throat like the simple shot of Wayne reading in Returns when the logo shines through the window and he stands up and looks at it. It’s simple. It’s effective. It’s purely badass. Some would say that the shape of the bat signal is too precise…I have to argue, does that matter AT ALL? Like I mentioned before, realism flies out the window period in comic book films, so the logistics of the shape of bat signal are much less relevant than the source of the logo being from a tormented Arkham escapee or an idiotic shot of the batwing blocking the moon. Also part of the Batman iconography in addition to the obvious batsuit, is the Batmobile. While the design of the Batmobile is introduced in 89, the scenes with it are a bit unceremonious and don’t really show off the sleek awesomeness of the vehicle to its full potential. There’s something very “constructed” and fake about it as it cruises through the streets tipping fruit stands. In Returns, it’s a viable threat when it’s under the penguins control, driving recklessly through streets and smashing cars at top speed. Then in one of the single greatest and most innovative comic book movie moments I can think of, the Batmobile splits off the sides into the “Batmissile” to squeeze through a narrow gap between two buildings. It’s this same kind of enthusiasm you see in the “Batpod” scene of The Dark Knight that really makes the truck chase scene stand out. It’s Batman being one step ahead, and ready for anything.

Which brings me to refute another fault of the film, is that The Penguin isn’t a credible threat to Batman. Physically, he never was, and never should be, even in comics. The appearance of the character, deformed physically and mentally in Burton’s vision immediately creates a more formidable presence than anything prior in the comics or other adaptations. The audience fears the Penguin. He admonishes the viewer for treating him differently. First invoking feelings of fear, then pity, and then feelings of hate, the same cycle of emotions that Shreck and the other denizens of Gotham feel towards Penguin in the film. Batman, ever-vigilant is never scared of The Penguin because he knows what he has to do to stop him. Despite his confidence, The Penguin still manages to nearly kill Batman several times in the film, including the Batmobile bomb, an umbrella gun at the end and with the penguin commandos.

One of my friends in particular, a fellow Batman enthusiast faults the film the most for the inclusion of the “penguin commandos” aka live penguin army that lives in the sewer and eventually waddles into the streets of gotham with rocket launchers strapped to their backs while responding to a frequency signal. I think given the absurd nature of the rest of the film, this fits in pretty well. With every failed attempt, the Penguin continues to get angrier and angrier at Batman until he goes to an extreme which he’s clearly had in reserve for a long time coming. This is every bit as dangerous, if not more so than the Joker spraying the city with laughing gas from parade balloons or say…fear toxin in the water supply. If anything I would say that this is slightly more believable than those. If you’re asking how penguin could have possibly acquired the resources, then you also have to ask yourself how The Joker is able to employ Police Officers in The Dark Knight and plant a bomb inside of an inmate while unarmed inside of a holding cell. There’s certain things you just have to accept because like it or not…Batman is still based on a comic book, and like I said earlier, comic books serve to tell stories in a visually appealing way which you couldn’t find elsewhere. As Returns plays out like a big screen comic complete with it’s own artistic style, taking the penguin commando army in stride should be easy to get past after the first five minutes of seeing a baby eat a cat and get tossed into a sewer. At worst you can laugh at these “lighter” deaths and at best you can build a hatred of The Penguin’s pathetic character. The pathos are all there. I would say that there’s less suspension of disbelief involved in frequency controlled penguins than Doc Ock controlling tentacles with his “brain chip” in Spiderman 2…or even the concept of a Spider bite giving someone super powers. I don’t see how it could be difficult to accept, especially in a universe as absurd as Batman’s.

So I’ve written a lot now trying to defend Returns from various possible criticisms (Why do people always bring tomatoes to speeches?) but what sets it apart from the rest? I can safely say that personally, as a lifelong Batman fan, Returns may be the most enjoyable Batman film to me. While for nostalgic reasons, The Dark Knight is still the most fun I ever had with a film given all the hype surrounding the release, Returns is worth a watch if you can overlook the lack of Nolan.

It’s the perfect mix of comic Batman characters with elements of movies ranging from comedy to horror. The suit is there. The tech is certainly there (remote controlled batarang anyone?). The action sequences are tight and well edited. On top of that, it also has my personal favorite musical score of all time for a film. Dark brooding, moody circus music perfectly fits the character of the Penguin and the slinky, screeching effects suit Catwoman’s character very well. Elfman also expands on the already great Batman theme from 89 and mixes the best cues when Batman is on screen with heightened versions of the Penguin suite when the characters are intercut on screen (such as the pursuit of the penguin through the sewers in the third act).

Speaking of the pursuit scene…out of all the secondary bat vehicles introduced in the third act of the Batman films (Batplane, Batwing, Bat sub, Batpod, Bat…sled…) the Batskiboat which narrowly dodges wayward missiles from Penguin Commandos is by far the coolest and most practical. There’s this great overwhelming presence of the absurd in Batman Returns, but the subject matter is so dark (I’ve heard people compare the film to an inkwell) that it’s hard to laugh at it. I think it’s a great mix for a Batman movie. It’s sad, often poignant at times, but also tends to feel like a sitcom akin to the 1966 Batman show crossed with the Addam’s Family. It’s a perfect cross between darkness and camp…beauty and the beast if you will.

One of the greatest scenes in the film is the death of the Penguin. After he has supposedly fallen to his watery grave through glass, he emerges dripping blood and bile from the water behind Batman, in one final attempt to kill him. He reaches for an umbrella, and accidentally "picks a cute one" before collapsing needing a "cold drink of ice water." Hated by everyone his entire life, in his death, the penguins emerge from the corners of his sewer lair and drag him into the water to sink to the bottom. It's touching, bizarre even to Batman, who watches the procession unfold. The music is powerful, sad and extremely fitting. It's incredible to see an incredibly humanizing and tragic end to a character that is so easy for most people to hate throughout the film.

Rather than just elude to the accepted truths of the Batman mythos like the super-urban high tech current films, grim to the core, I think Batman Returns is a good superhero film that’s certainly worth watching again if you feel like it’s “stupid” or not a “batman film.” I wish I could have spent more time praising the nuances in Devito’s performance or the greatness of Catwoman’s role in this film as the only truly well written female character in the Batman series’, but the pitiful legacy Returns has acquired among comic fans made this more of a crusade to set the record right. Though I would hardly call myself a Returns apologist…as there’s nothing to be sorry for. This is an excellent film.

"Come what may...Merry Christmas Mr. Wayne..."

"Merry Christmas Alfred. Goodwill toward men. And women."