My review of Super 8: marketing a film as retro doesn't mean it needs to be more of the same

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Seeing a mob of confused people with failing electronic devices and flickering electricity in J. J. Abram’s newest virally-marketed flick, Super 8, I couldn’t help but be reminded of an episode of Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone with an episode called The Monsters are Due on Maple Street. In the classic episode, panicked townsfolk turn to the knowledge of a child who has read too many fantasy stories to guide them through the panic of an alien invasion. Ultimately the twist makes a statement and isn’t something you saw coming, which was always the case with the classic series. Sadly, with Super 8 and its equally mysteriously marketed predecessor Cloverfield from 2008; there is no twist, and the “surprise” of the films is exactly your first thought from the trailers.

The film opens with the protagonist, a young boy named Joe losing his mother and then flashes forward a few months to a group of enthusiastic young film makers attempting to film a zombie movie with a Super 8 camera. For “production value” they film a train as it’s passing by and it happens to explode multiple times. Before you know it the military is involved and it’s up to Joe’s father, the local sheriff, as played by Kyle Chandler (who seemingly holds the position of every other elected official in the town and conducts one-man press conferences) to save the world. Of course since the loss of his wife there has been some distance between him and his son and this alien disaster is just the kind of therapy their father-son relationship needed to bring them together in a one-dimensional and forced emotional arc.

It’s not the only shallow and uninteresting relationship in the movie though. Joe also quickly falls in love with a girl named Alice (Elle Fanning) applying monster make up on the film shoot and is willing to risk his life in the subsequent days to find her when she goes the way of the local dogs and appliances-missing. Scenes of Joe showing Alice footage of his mother and their bizarre under-age bonding experiences are where the film really tends to drag, though the action scenes are equally underwhelming and should serve to prove that the more explosions, thrashing tentacles and spastic unintelligible motion sequences you have in a movie doesn’t add to its stark and tasteful ambiguity, it only leaves the viewer slightly bored.

While it’s true, the use of child protagonists harkens back to older Speilberg films, you have to wonder how they became like a kid version of the A-team. One is a master of pyrotechnics, another a make up artist, one a brilliant actress and the other with an eye for storytelling. This premise unto itself, might have actually been more interesting than the wanton destruction and government conspiracies. Instead I’m left wondering why the film was marketed as if it were framed through a Super 8 camera and the logo of the film focused so much on that, as that plot line quickly devolves after the first 20 minutes until it’s no longer existent or relevant by the end of the film. While protagonists like Elliot in E.T. were able to stand alone in the 80’s and create a dramatic arc without forced drama, it was somehow necessary for Joe to be grieving the loss of his mother and making a film and falling in love prematurely to create a fully dynamic backdrop for alien invasion. And that aspect is nothing we haven’t seen before.

Super 8 borrows techniques and plot devices from tons of other films; from the accidental death of the mother as the result of the carelessness of a side character ala Signs to the government involvement of District 9, Super 8 felt like a movie that I’d seen before which added nothing new to the table. Some critics have said that if it was made in the 80’s it may have been a classic. I think it’s a little unfair to say that, because just about every movie that comes out now with advanced visual effects would have been as well. It feels slightly lazy to fall back on the draw of the film being a period piece with nods to older bodies of work to attempt to validate it. The movie magic surrounding Star Wars, E.T., Close Encounter of the Third Kind, and more is because those films really did something special that added to the ever changing medium of film and brought a new spectacle to the table. As much as I love homage’s to older movies and film connections, Super 8 just feels cut-and-dry and lifeless with no true emotional drive at the core and no genuine need to see how it ends, because you’ve seen it so many times before and you’re certain that all the characters will be fine. For a director that boasts such bold new visions, I can’t help but feel like this film is remarkably predictable and safe.

Toward the beginning of the film before disaster/invasion movie tropes became rampant and monotonous, the screenwriter of the group of kids is explaining how he read books on screenwriting and how you need to write in a love interest. When asked why he can’t supply a real reason other than “That’s how it works.” Thus Elle Fanning’s character is introduced into the zombie film. Ironically she exists in Super 8 for the same reason. For a movie apparently so aware of clichés it never made one attempt to avoid them or deviate from that little how-to guide to screen writing.

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tales of the Dead Man's Float

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So this episode doesn't seem early on like it has too much potential to creep. Pass the scary intro, pass the typical Midnight Society chatter, hurp a durp durp, and the episode arrives at its intro. Basically, a kid in some pool starts screamin that somethings grabbing him in the water and the lifeguard jumps in to save him, but he can't get him out! The kid just drowns right there and one has to wonder... WHAT WAS PULLING HIM UNDER?

Cut ahead like 40 years or something to some nerd being nerdy and some bitch being bitchy. He invites her to see something that he thinks she'd like.

"He began to unzip his pants..."

Cut to next morning and it turns out the thing nerd boy wanted to show the chick was not his embarrassingly small genitalia, but was an abandoned pool in the schools basement (what the hell were they thinking). She says MAYBE YOU DON'T SUCK AT LIFE AFTER ALL (don't quote me on that) and cut to a few weeks later and hoeface convinced the school to set the pool up. THE PLOT THICKENS. Turns out that Mr. Nerd is helping her with her homework in exchange for sexual favors swimming lessons. Suddenly SOMETHING THROWS THEM OUT OF THEIR RAFT (why they have a raft in the swimming pool instead of just... standing on the edge of the pool I will never know). They think they're done for when suddenly HEROIC JANITOR PULLS THEM OUT IN THE NICK OF TIME! Why was he there when the only people in the pool were 2 young children? Why was he hiding from them until they were almost drowning? We may never know.

Pictured above: A convicted sex offender. With a HEART OF GOLD.

As to be expected from a senior citizen with a dead-end job, he has a boring story to tell. HE WAS THE LIFE GUARD IN THE INTRO, AND THE DROWNED KID WAS HIS BROTHERRR. He convinced the school to close the pool because it was killing people... Because the pool was built on an INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! When are people going to figure out that this kind of behavior will lead to homicidal haunts 95% of the time? It's common sense at this point, really. Anyways, old moustachio up there has no idea how to stop the beast. But science nerd MAGICALLY figures out that the ghost, smelling like ass, must be made of ACID. A native ghost made of fucking ACID, how bad can this get? So basically the kid decides to toss in some delicious chemicals to make the beast reveal its TRUE FORM. He tosses some Tang into the pool and the results are... ABSOLUTELY BAT SHIT INSANELY HORRIFYING.

The reason I dropped chemistry class.

SO CLEARLY, the producers forgot to mention to the director that this was a show for kids, but decided doing more filming to replace the beast with something less nightmare-inducing was too much strain on the budget. So this things been swimming around children in bathing suits and has been just dragging them down and going to town. GOD DAMN!

But as any hero would, the super hoe from the beginning of the episode has some death powder to burn the thing, but herpaderp nerd kid throws it out of her hands and into the pool. YOU'LL BURN YOURSELF OMG. Dumbass. They all decide to dive in to get it (kids these days) as Scruffy watches shitting bricks. The beast goes in to get them but being an indecisive creature just kind of fails at that. The kids grab the container, PUT GLOVES ON, and then destroy the beast.

Cut to like a week later and they're banging. Wow. Realistic.

Spook: 10/5
Funny: 0/5
Total: 4.5/5

If you're looking for an episode of these shows that are actually going to make you shit a brick, this one is what you'll be looking for every time.


Youtube link to the episode

Houston means that I'm one step closer to sleep

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Coming at you from Houston, TX...where I'm officially beginning my busy weekend.  We just got done playing some Rock Band, and right now Michael's playing Condemned 2.  Pretty scary.  Tonight we plan to go to the Hard Rock Cafe and then play Halo 3 online where we'll make people wish they'd never been born.  Actually I've never played Halo 3 online.  But they'll still wish they'd never been born.  In the morning we depart at 8AM to drive two hours and get in line to see one of my favorite bands, switchfoot.  One of the best bands ever as well as one of the best live shows around.  Anyway, we're going to stick around long enough to meet them and hand them a demo (you never know after our relient k experience).  So, long story short, we'll be pushing 1 or 2AM before we're out of there.  Then, we get in the car and drive 3 hours straight back to east texas just in time for me to get ready, get in my truck and drive two hours to dallas to fill in playing at church for a friend of mine.  I have to be there by 8:30AM.  The service starts at 10 and ends at 11.  Then, I'm going to meet a new friend for lunch.  Hopefully I'll get in bed by around 7PM and sleep until about 9AM.  Then, I'll get up and mow a yard or two.  Tuesday I don't plan on doing one thing.  
Also, red velvet cake is one of the best things ever invented, provided there's cream cheese frosting.
Tune In Tomorrow Album believe it or not is coming along.  still in the middle of the final push.  This business is and expensive one to be in...been writing lots of new music as well so there won't be too much pressure on the next album.
Here's to thinking people actually care about my day to day life...
-Dillon

I'm pretty lazy when it comes to blogging

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I blog when I have nothing to blog about and last weekend something happened worth blogging about and I haven't done it yet. Well, better late.

So, like I said before, we went to see Switchfoot in beaumont, tx this last weekend. We got to beaumont at about 10:30 and found that the venue was a small outdoor lot with a stage where people were setting up sound. We got where they told us the line started which was pretty much side stage. Well, around 11:00 a tour bus showed up and parked right in front of us. Several people walked in and out of it until finally, lead singer Jon Foreman walked out. We were the only people in line so we were pretty excited not to have to fight for his attention. He was on the phone so he finished up his conversation and headed over to shake our hands and say hi. He asked us what there was to do in beaumont and we sadly told him we weren't from there. He decided to walk around the block to look for some antique shops but not before we handed him a demo and told him how much his music means to us, for which he was grateful.

Then, guitarist Drew Shirley steps off and says hi as well. He mentioned something about his Grandparents living in beaumont. Anyway, a little later he came back and asked if we new our way around beamont, to which we said no. He then explained that he wanted to rent a car to go see his grandma but he could only rent one for 2 days at a time which wouldn't work. He then asked, if he could find directions, if we could give him a ride. So, pretty much Nathan drove Drew around beaumont for a while with me and michael in the back seat. When you've been listening to a band for so long, something like that is kind of surreal. Anyway, we got to talk to him about tune in tomorrow as well as michael's solo project and we told him that we had given Jon a demo. He said he'd give it a lisen as well as hook us up with free shirts. He also got Michael's $20 acoustic guitar signed by the band. Pretty cool. Not to mention we were front row for one of the best live shows music has to offer.

So surprisingly we got out of there around nine because the show started early. That put me home by 1AM leaving time to get a few hours of sleep. Then I got up at five, left at six, and got to a church in dallas at 8:30 to help with worship. Then I met my new friend for lunch which was outstanding. The lunch and the new friend. The drive home from dallas was rough, but other than that an amazing weekend.

The funny thing about it is that I prayed before we left that we'd be in the right place at the right time. pretty crazy.

-Dillon

Nobody likes you when you're 23

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Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone!  I'm currently in arkansas doing some different things including hanging out with good friends and taking pictures of stuff for the TinT record cover.  I'm currently downloading the masters of the record.  Pretty exciting.  
I had a hard time deciding the title of this post.  It was between the Blink-182 lyric that I used and "Here at 23 it's the same old me" from the Relient K song "Maintain Consciousness".  Not sure exactly what ended up being the deciding factor, but hopefully the one I chose doesn't end up being true.  
See ya.
-Dillon, 23

90's rocks LIVES...(in the rainforest)

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So 90’s Rocks died a painful death it seems. But now it's back. It's a zombie blog. Scratch that. Fuck zombies. I'm tired of how trendy they are now. I liked them better as the subject of cult films. A lot has happened since the last installment in the chronicling of promotional food items and the unwarranted worship of lowbrow crap intended for children. It’s not really worth opening that can of tuna right now though, when there’s new inspiration afoot for more passionate rambling about the unimportant. The show must go on; though I feel like I’ve said that before on this blog. Sloth can be the vice of men, and I fear I’ll never write another word in my life of my own volition unless I just painfully bring hand to trackpad and sweat it out. So that’s this then. I’m dedicating this post to a certain blogger, whose achievements in the blogosphere make this one look pitiful; but motivated me to keep at it.

This past summer one of my good friends and I traveled to Orlando on what was essentially a suicide mission to meet Mark Hamill (which didn’t even pan out). Apparently now days Mark’s career has devolved into charging over 100 bucks for a photo op. Who does he think he is…Bill Murray? Anyway, while we were taking buses and cabs around the city of dreams hunting down K Marts and Chick Fil A in the ass-kicking heat, I insisted that we go to DOWNTOWN DISNEY. If you’re living a meaningless life, and you’re unfamiliar with Orlando Florida’s layout and in particular the layout of the Disney Parks (which I think I could easily write 10-15 blog posts about) then you’ll know about the subdivision marketplace area lovingly called DOWNTOWN DISNEY. I think this place really peaked in its cool factor for me at the early turn of the century when the phrase “virtual reality” actually fucking meant something. They had this building full of simulators called Disney Quest which was a popular birthday destination. They also had a huge Virgin Records store, which was the first place in the world where I discovered the scent of marijuana. One of the coolest features was this Planet Hollywood gift shop thing which had insanely expensive film props. We’re talking actual Batman Forever costumes and Ewok fur. The things men go to war to protect. When I was younger I was all about the LEGO store there too. All of these good things have been torn down, replaced or metaphorically shit on over the years and I pity the current younger generation that is told that this is what “fun is all about.” You know nothing about fun. It’s not too late though. It’s never too late, as long as Rainforest Café still stands. Motherfuck!


So what drew your attention to Rainforest café? Oh maybe that it’s a giant goddamn volcano? Or maybe the enormous mushroom standing guard of the place. Or maybe the big animatronic alligator howling out of his aged voice chip at the door? Sidenote: We need more animatronic creatures in today’s society. I miss being able to walk into museums and seeing Dinosaurs and then trying to feed them debris against the will of the “No Touching” signs. So if themed food is pretty much the best thing in the world and if y=mx+b, then clearly a themed RESTAURANT is almost too good for the general public to be allowed to even set eyes on. Walking into Rainforest Café is a sensory overload. I can’t even begin to describe it properly. How can I possibly impart that smell of recycled fountain water? I’m just going to close my eyes and put myself there, typing out a stream of consciousness attempting to describe this place to you.

Apes. Big ol lovable apes banging on their boobs. That is a huge fucking parrot. I didn’t know they came in that size. There is a frog on that tree. Oh yes there are trees. Did you like the sky in Harry Potter? That’s good because the sky in here is like the night sky with light up dots on it. Every twenty minutes or so it’s gonna rain so you better be prepared. There are snakes hanging from the ceiling. Copious amounts of Spanish Moss…I’m afraid it’s going to fall onto my plate. How can a grilled cheese be that expensive? Can I try your cocktail mom? They aren’t going to ARREST us for god sakes it looks like tomato juice! Did you guys see how cool the bathrooms are? Boy this place really makes Bugaboo Creek look like the 7th layer of hell doesn’t it? I’m not leaving without at least 20 bucks worth of animal related shit from the gift shop. Airbrushed t-shirts preferable.

And before you know it the whirlwind of pure elation is over and you’re paying the bill leaving mildly hungry but also possibly suffering from indigestion. Rainforest is a fan of the tiny portion, but fuck it who goes there for the food? Someday I’d like to go back to Rainforest when I’m old enough to drink beer like a real man on a safari and get WASTED and crack up at the elephants. I’m pretty sure that the air vents in Rainforest expel pure MDMA or something. The only other restaurant that can get me stoked like this is this Mars 2112 place in New York which has an Alien Motif, complete with costumed assholes. Rainforest is/was a chain as far as I know though, and there were others to attend outside or Orlando. I think that it’s in a vacation spot only adds to the experience though.

I’ve been to Rainforest 2 times in the past decade. That’s about 96 times too few. I think one hundred would be a little excessive. I’m really hoping they stay in business long enough to remain my fall back plan of employment if this whole college thing doesn’t work out. This also might be one of those “You had to be there” type things where if you went there for the first time now like my friend did this summer; as you might be unable to fully appreciate the awe inspiring awesome of Rainforest. So save the trees folks…otherwise there won’t be a reason for Rainforest Café to parody nature anymore; though as far as I’m concerned the world could become a post apocalyptic, carbon monoxide filled wasteland as long as we still celebrated Halloween and there was a Rainforest Café somewhere. And shamrock shakes. Those are really important too. I’ve had 9 of them since the month started. It’s like my very own March Madness minus the sports.

I'M KINDA EXCITED TO SEE THOR

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Hark! The title bestowed upon this blog post was so obvious an old man and a fool could have agreed upon it. This entry shall here by be wrote in the tongue of the Norseman and the mighty Anthony Hopkins. Upon the rumblings of April, the heavens of Asgard opened and struck the world with Thor-mania. Odin looked upon his work and proclaimed it was good. 7-11 was among the first of puny human establishments to fall to the might of the mjolnir. Thou dare visit 7-11 upon multiple happenstance to exchange currency for thine mighty Thor Slurpees? Nay. Surely you jest Loki! I jest not. Thou hath consumeth now a trifle short of four Thor Slurpees, with the number equivalent to three.

Be there a flavor of god nector flavored with the scent of the maiden Natalie Portman or Thor Sweat, my attempts to find it have been met with failure. I have filled my goblet and drank well of COCA COLA and CHERRY FLAVORED slurpees emblazoned with the thor crests of advertising.

The first thing mere mortals may notice about the goblets is they are adorned with the lenticular motion patterns of hammer-tossing. Atop the perch of the ...lid...rests a mighty statue of a god or foe or Asgard for children drinking the slurpee to devlope idol worship upon. They will cling to these miniature talismans of the mighty Marvel franchise for the rest of their pathetic lives, spiting their foolish parents who try to make them believe the heroic avenger's golden locks are but myth.

So far in my travels thou has exchanged around a grand total of around ten dollars of human currency for thor related slurpee trinket, now posessing resuable plastic cups and straws with the manly visage of Thor, Loki and the evil fire breathing destroyer. Tis a grand bargain and cause for celebration surely!

What could improve perhaps these glorious tokens of asgard? Why of course the jolly liquid known as VODKA. Nave, coward and god alike shall walk the streets swinging hammers with reckless abandon under it's spell with Thor slurpees posessing more spikes than the armor of thee destroyer!

Having enjoyed them to maximum godly potential now, I still require one more cup and miniature ho figurine to have them all. The marking spell of Odin is absolute. So I will soon pound my fist upon the countertop of 7-11 yelling for ANOTHA!

It's human nature to fear the unusual: A critical look at Batman Returns

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The inspiration to write a post struck me late at night, and here I sit in the dark attempting to set a record straight and right injustices against a family name, much like Oswald Cobblepot aka The Penguin pouring over birth certificates in the hall of records about a third of the way through Batman Returns. The family name I’m out to defend is that of the Burton Batman films, and this one in particular which as Christopher Walken elegantly puts it “frankly has a bum rep.” Perhaps the conclusions you can draw from the film’s plot itself and the reputation it has are eerily similar. Abandoned at it’s conception by critics and “comic fans” alike, Returns perhaps isn’t nearly as bad as some make it out to be, only misunderstood by those who can’t see past the grotesque exterior. Much like Batman himself, I feel the need to defend something which cannot save itself, and much like Catwoman; the subject matter at hand is too sexy and insane to be revered in the eyes of the public.

Batman 89’, which I might have been too harsh analyzing is still universally respected by critics and comic fans, many of whom are too bitter and jaded to admit that it may very well be a more true-to-form Batman and Joker story than The Dark Knight. Its sequel Returns however, falls prey to several complaints that are almost always the same by anyone criticizing it; which I’ve heard so many times that I’d venture to call them stereotypical critiques. While Batman 89 is decidedly dated at times and often very aged and misguided feeling in parts, I feel like Batman Returns builds and expands on the themes while incasing the story within the austere whimsical world of Tim Burton. I’d go so far as to say that Batman Returns is the most stylistically affected, though not afflicted, film Burton has ever done. This was a director at his peak; and it’s a shame to see how studios lost faith in these macabre visions for a while after this film’s release.

Perhaps one of the biggest faults Returns has, isn’t even to blame on the film itself so much as the untimely and nonsensical summer release. This is a Christmas film through and through, though it explores the darker and less jolly aspects of the holiday. Prevalent arctic themes, tree lightings and even a bittersweet wishing of Merry Christmas on the last line of the film add to the perversion of the holiday across a comic book landscape.

But wait…one of the main complaints about the movie is that it’s not a very good comic book film and it’s bogged down by being too unrealistic. Ask yourself for a moment if ANY film with a man dressing up like a bat, a woman dressing up like a cat and a man called “the penguin” can ever be interpreted as true-to-life and that argument goes out the window. Perhaps you’re looking for the hyper realism served up in The Dark Knight. You might notice that every moment the most whimsical and unrealistic character, The Joker, who seems to bend the laws of space and time with his all-too-convenient plans is not on screen. Compare that to the romantic arc in Batman Returns. Batman and Catwoman are enemies but Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne are potentially lovers. Upon realizing each other’s identity for the first time, the immediate question posed is “do we start fighting?” This is a great way to delve into the psychological aspect of Batman. He’s often conflicted in his best moments by circumstances that make him want to give up his crusade; times when he’ll rise to the occasion and prove himself to be the true hero that he is. If you're questioning the scene where he kills a thug with dynamite you might as well question the scene where he levels Axis chemicals with explosives in 89', and also take into account that Bob Kane's Batman smoked a pipe and carried a gun. You have to wonder if Bruce meant what he said when he took off his cowl at the end of Returns and asked Selina to come away with him, or if he already knew she would never attempt to lead a “normal” life. Compare this to when Bruce wants to give up being Batman as a result of Rachel being DEAD in The Dark Knight. It makes for an excellent Batman arc…which contradicts how a lot of people say this isn’t a “Batman film.”

Isn’t the whole point of Batman the idea that he’s like an urban legend that strikes fear into the heart of his enemies? Batman isn’t going to flaunt around in every scene. That takes away a crucial element of mystery. Besides, he had his origin story in Batman 89. While the films don’t blend seamlessly given the shrunken scope of Gotham in Returns, you already know this Batman and what he’s capable of. Keaton delivers the same anger-fueled insanity in the role as he does in 89. If you don’t think there’s enough Batman in Returns, ask yourself what more was needed. As opposed to one villain in the first film, now there’s two that are extremely well developed, more so than any others in superhero films with multiple antagonists and there’s more action in this film than just about any of the other Batman films save for 89; all thanks to Batman and his comic book inspired arsenal of gadgets.

People have said that Returns is too dark for a comic book movie, but look at Watchmen on the other end of the spectrum…since when did comic books need to be lighter fare for kids? In addition to bringing comic book movies into the spotlight, 89 also legitimatized them as films for adults and kids alike. Returns knows exactly what it wants to be. It’s not totally stuck in fantasy, but it’s not grounded in realism either. It’s carved out a nice niche for itself in between the campiness of the silver age Batman comics and their outrageous plots and the darkness of its predecessor of a film. Part of the appeal of comic books at the time of their introduction as a graphic medium was the ability to convey the impossible without limitations opening up new kinds of storytelling. Now this is becoming more and more possible thanks to CGI, but it’s great to see a film that was able to set its own standards and create a unique world in the span of roughly 2 hours. It’s just the right blend of black comedy and horror tragedy while still safely under the mantle of Batman.

The iconography of a Batman film is present throughout Returns, often times less in-your-face than it is in the newer films or in 89’. For example: pimping the bat logo. There’s an unforgettably moronic shot in Batman 89 where the Batwing flies past the moon and creates the bat logo. Not only does this defy physics, but it’s superfluous. Even less realistically, the Begins Bat signal is comprised of a prisoner wearing cut rags tied to a searchlight. How about a nice way to tie in the iconic logo and the bat signal without shoving it down our throat like the simple shot of Wayne reading in Returns when the logo shines through the window and he stands up and looks at it. It’s simple. It’s effective. It’s purely badass. Some would say that the shape of the bat signal is too precise…I have to argue, does that matter AT ALL? Like I mentioned before, realism flies out the window period in comic book films, so the logistics of the shape of bat signal are much less relevant than the source of the logo being from a tormented Arkham escapee or an idiotic shot of the batwing blocking the moon. Also part of the Batman iconography in addition to the obvious batsuit, is the Batmobile. While the design of the Batmobile is introduced in 89, the scenes with it are a bit unceremonious and don’t really show off the sleek awesomeness of the vehicle to its full potential. There’s something very “constructed” and fake about it as it cruises through the streets tipping fruit stands. In Returns, it’s a viable threat when it’s under the penguins control, driving recklessly through streets and smashing cars at top speed. Then in one of the single greatest and most innovative comic book movie moments I can think of, the Batmobile splits off the sides into the “Batmissile” to squeeze through a narrow gap between two buildings. It’s this same kind of enthusiasm you see in the “Batpod” scene of The Dark Knight that really makes the truck chase scene stand out. It’s Batman being one step ahead, and ready for anything.

Which brings me to refute another fault of the film, is that The Penguin isn’t a credible threat to Batman. Physically, he never was, and never should be, even in comics. The appearance of the character, deformed physically and mentally in Burton’s vision immediately creates a more formidable presence than anything prior in the comics or other adaptations. The audience fears the Penguin. He admonishes the viewer for treating him differently. First invoking feelings of fear, then pity, and then feelings of hate, the same cycle of emotions that Shreck and the other denizens of Gotham feel towards Penguin in the film. Batman, ever-vigilant is never scared of The Penguin because he knows what he has to do to stop him. Despite his confidence, The Penguin still manages to nearly kill Batman several times in the film, including the Batmobile bomb, an umbrella gun at the end and with the penguin commandos.

One of my friends in particular, a fellow Batman enthusiast faults the film the most for the inclusion of the “penguin commandos” aka live penguin army that lives in the sewer and eventually waddles into the streets of gotham with rocket launchers strapped to their backs while responding to a frequency signal. I think given the absurd nature of the rest of the film, this fits in pretty well. With every failed attempt, the Penguin continues to get angrier and angrier at Batman until he goes to an extreme which he’s clearly had in reserve for a long time coming. This is every bit as dangerous, if not more so than the Joker spraying the city with laughing gas from parade balloons or say…fear toxin in the water supply. If anything I would say that this is slightly more believable than those. If you’re asking how penguin could have possibly acquired the resources, then you also have to ask yourself how The Joker is able to employ Police Officers in The Dark Knight and plant a bomb inside of an inmate while unarmed inside of a holding cell. There’s certain things you just have to accept because like it or not…Batman is still based on a comic book, and like I said earlier, comic books serve to tell stories in a visually appealing way which you couldn’t find elsewhere. As Returns plays out like a big screen comic complete with it’s own artistic style, taking the penguin commando army in stride should be easy to get past after the first five minutes of seeing a baby eat a cat and get tossed into a sewer. At worst you can laugh at these “lighter” deaths and at best you can build a hatred of The Penguin’s pathetic character. The pathos are all there. I would say that there’s less suspension of disbelief involved in frequency controlled penguins than Doc Ock controlling tentacles with his “brain chip” in Spiderman 2…or even the concept of a Spider bite giving someone super powers. I don’t see how it could be difficult to accept, especially in a universe as absurd as Batman’s.

So I’ve written a lot now trying to defend Returns from various possible criticisms (Why do people always bring tomatoes to speeches?) but what sets it apart from the rest? I can safely say that personally, as a lifelong Batman fan, Returns may be the most enjoyable Batman film to me. While for nostalgic reasons, The Dark Knight is still the most fun I ever had with a film given all the hype surrounding the release, Returns is worth a watch if you can overlook the lack of Nolan.

It’s the perfect mix of comic Batman characters with elements of movies ranging from comedy to horror. The suit is there. The tech is certainly there (remote controlled batarang anyone?). The action sequences are tight and well edited. On top of that, it also has my personal favorite musical score of all time for a film. Dark brooding, moody circus music perfectly fits the character of the Penguin and the slinky, screeching effects suit Catwoman’s character very well. Elfman also expands on the already great Batman theme from 89 and mixes the best cues when Batman is on screen with heightened versions of the Penguin suite when the characters are intercut on screen (such as the pursuit of the penguin through the sewers in the third act).

Speaking of the pursuit scene…out of all the secondary bat vehicles introduced in the third act of the Batman films (Batplane, Batwing, Bat sub, Batpod, Bat…sled…) the Batskiboat which narrowly dodges wayward missiles from Penguin Commandos is by far the coolest and most practical. There’s this great overwhelming presence of the absurd in Batman Returns, but the subject matter is so dark (I’ve heard people compare the film to an inkwell) that it’s hard to laugh at it. I think it’s a great mix for a Batman movie. It’s sad, often poignant at times, but also tends to feel like a sitcom akin to the 1966 Batman show crossed with the Addam’s Family. It’s a perfect cross between darkness and camp…beauty and the beast if you will.

One of the greatest scenes in the film is the death of the Penguin. After he has supposedly fallen to his watery grave through glass, he emerges dripping blood and bile from the water behind Batman, in one final attempt to kill him. He reaches for an umbrella, and accidentally "picks a cute one" before collapsing needing a "cold drink of ice water." Hated by everyone his entire life, in his death, the penguins emerge from the corners of his sewer lair and drag him into the water to sink to the bottom. It's touching, bizarre even to Batman, who watches the procession unfold. The music is powerful, sad and extremely fitting. It's incredible to see an incredibly humanizing and tragic end to a character that is so easy for most people to hate throughout the film.

Rather than just elude to the accepted truths of the Batman mythos like the super-urban high tech current films, grim to the core, I think Batman Returns is a good superhero film that’s certainly worth watching again if you feel like it’s “stupid” or not a “batman film.” I wish I could have spent more time praising the nuances in Devito’s performance or the greatness of Catwoman’s role in this film as the only truly well written female character in the Batman series’, but the pitiful legacy Returns has acquired among comic fans made this more of a crusade to set the record right. Though I would hardly call myself a Returns apologist…as there’s nothing to be sorry for. This is an excellent film.

"Come what may...Merry Christmas Mr. Wayne..."

"Merry Christmas Alfred. Goodwill toward men. And women."

My review of Super 8: marketing a film as retro doesn't mean it needs to be more of the same

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Seeing a mob of confused people with failing electronic devices and flickering electricity in J. J. Abram’s newest virally-marketed flick, Super 8, I couldn’t help but be reminded of an episode of Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone with an episode called The Monsters are Due on Maple Street. In the classic episode, panicked townsfolk turn to the knowledge of a child who has read too many fantasy stories to guide them through the panic of an alien invasion. Ultimately the twist makes a statement and isn’t something you saw coming, which was always the case with the classic series. Sadly, with Super 8 and its equally mysteriously marketed predecessor Cloverfield from 2008; there is no twist, and the “surprise” of the films is exactly your first thought from the trailers.

The film opens with the protagonist, a young boy named Joe losing his mother and then flashes forward a few months to a group of enthusiastic young film makers attempting to film a zombie movie with a Super 8 camera. For “production value” they film a train as it’s passing by and it happens to explode multiple times. Before you know it the military is involved and it’s up to Joe’s father, the local sheriff, as played by Kyle Chandler (who seemingly holds the position of every other elected official in the town and conducts one-man press conferences) to save the world. Of course since the loss of his wife there has been some distance between him and his son and this alien disaster is just the kind of therapy their father-son relationship needed to bring them together in a one-dimensional and forced emotional arc.

It’s not the only shallow and uninteresting relationship in the movie though. Joe also quickly falls in love with a girl named Alice (Elle Fanning) applying monster make up on the film shoot and is willing to risk his life in the subsequent days to find her when she goes the way of the local dogs and appliances-missing. Scenes of Joe showing Alice footage of his mother and their bizarre under-age bonding experiences are where the film really tends to drag, though the action scenes are equally underwhelming and should serve to prove that the more explosions, thrashing tentacles and spastic unintelligible motion sequences you have in a movie doesn’t add to its stark and tasteful ambiguity, it only leaves the viewer slightly bored.

While it’s true, the use of child protagonists harkens back to older Speilberg films, you have to wonder how they became like a kid version of the A-team. One is a master of pyrotechnics, another a make up artist, one a brilliant actress and the other with an eye for storytelling. This premise unto itself, might have actually been more interesting than the wanton destruction and government conspiracies. Instead I’m left wondering why the film was marketed as if it were framed through a Super 8 camera and the logo of the film focused so much on that, as that plot line quickly devolves after the first 20 minutes until it’s no longer existent or relevant by the end of the film. While protagonists like Elliot in E.T. were able to stand alone in the 80’s and create a dramatic arc without forced drama, it was somehow necessary for Joe to be grieving the loss of his mother and making a film and falling in love prematurely to create a fully dynamic backdrop for alien invasion. And that aspect is nothing we haven’t seen before.

Super 8 borrows techniques and plot devices from tons of other films; from the accidental death of the mother as the result of the carelessness of a side character ala Signs to the government involvement of District 9, Super 8 felt like a movie that I’d seen before which added nothing new to the table. Some critics have said that if it was made in the 80’s it may have been a classic. I think it’s a little unfair to say that, because just about every movie that comes out now with advanced visual effects would have been as well. It feels slightly lazy to fall back on the draw of the film being a period piece with nods to older bodies of work to attempt to validate it. The movie magic surrounding Star Wars, E.T., Close Encounter of the Third Kind, and more is because those films really did something special that added to the ever changing medium of film and brought a new spectacle to the table. As much as I love homage’s to older movies and film connections, Super 8 just feels cut-and-dry and lifeless with no true emotional drive at the core and no genuine need to see how it ends, because you’ve seen it so many times before and you’re certain that all the characters will be fine. For a director that boasts such bold new visions, I can’t help but feel like this film is remarkably predictable and safe.

Toward the beginning of the film before disaster/invasion movie tropes became rampant and monotonous, the screenwriter of the group of kids is explaining how he read books on screenwriting and how you need to write in a love interest. When asked why he can’t supply a real reason other than “That’s how it works.” Thus Elle Fanning’s character is introduced into the zombie film. Ironically she exists in Super 8 for the same reason. For a movie apparently so aware of clichés it never made one attempt to avoid them or deviate from that little how-to guide to screen writing.

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tales of the Dead Man's Float

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So this episode doesn't seem early on like it has too much potential to creep. Pass the scary intro, pass the typical Midnight Society chatter, hurp a durp durp, and the episode arrives at its intro. Basically, a kid in some pool starts screamin that somethings grabbing him in the water and the lifeguard jumps in to save him, but he can't get him out! The kid just drowns right there and one has to wonder... WHAT WAS PULLING HIM UNDER?

Cut ahead like 40 years or something to some nerd being nerdy and some bitch being bitchy. He invites her to see something that he thinks she'd like.

"He began to unzip his pants..."

Cut to next morning and it turns out the thing nerd boy wanted to show the chick was not his embarrassingly small genitalia, but was an abandoned pool in the schools basement (what the hell were they thinking). She says MAYBE YOU DON'T SUCK AT LIFE AFTER ALL (don't quote me on that) and cut to a few weeks later and hoeface convinced the school to set the pool up. THE PLOT THICKENS. Turns out that Mr. Nerd is helping her with her homework in exchange for sexual favors swimming lessons. Suddenly SOMETHING THROWS THEM OUT OF THEIR RAFT (why they have a raft in the swimming pool instead of just... standing on the edge of the pool I will never know). They think they're done for when suddenly HEROIC JANITOR PULLS THEM OUT IN THE NICK OF TIME! Why was he there when the only people in the pool were 2 young children? Why was he hiding from them until they were almost drowning? We may never know.

Pictured above: A convicted sex offender. With a HEART OF GOLD.

As to be expected from a senior citizen with a dead-end job, he has a boring story to tell. HE WAS THE LIFE GUARD IN THE INTRO, AND THE DROWNED KID WAS HIS BROTHERRR. He convinced the school to close the pool because it was killing people... Because the pool was built on an INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! When are people going to figure out that this kind of behavior will lead to homicidal haunts 95% of the time? It's common sense at this point, really. Anyways, old moustachio up there has no idea how to stop the beast. But science nerd MAGICALLY figures out that the ghost, smelling like ass, must be made of ACID. A native ghost made of fucking ACID, how bad can this get? So basically the kid decides to toss in some delicious chemicals to make the beast reveal its TRUE FORM. He tosses some Tang into the pool and the results are... ABSOLUTELY BAT SHIT INSANELY HORRIFYING.

The reason I dropped chemistry class.

SO CLEARLY, the producers forgot to mention to the director that this was a show for kids, but decided doing more filming to replace the beast with something less nightmare-inducing was too much strain on the budget. So this things been swimming around children in bathing suits and has been just dragging them down and going to town. GOD DAMN!

But as any hero would, the super hoe from the beginning of the episode has some death powder to burn the thing, but herpaderp nerd kid throws it out of her hands and into the pool. YOU'LL BURN YOURSELF OMG. Dumbass. They all decide to dive in to get it (kids these days) as Scruffy watches shitting bricks. The beast goes in to get them but being an indecisive creature just kind of fails at that. The kids grab the container, PUT GLOVES ON, and then destroy the beast.

Cut to like a week later and they're banging. Wow. Realistic.

Spook: 10/5
Funny: 0/5
Total: 4.5/5

If you're looking for an episode of these shows that are actually going to make you shit a brick, this one is what you'll be looking for every time.


Youtube link to the episode

My very own OFFICIAL HOLIDAY LIST!!! (I'm such a nerd)

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I'll admit I've been saving up things to say for this one. It seems like I'm just brimming with my own unique facets of craziness which must be expressed in the form of holiday blogs.


LOOKIT ALL DIS CHRISTMAS SHIT! First it was white out MTN Dew…and now I’ve taken a trip to Dunkin Donuts yielding RED ASS donuts. I don’t know what it is that’s so good about red icing, but it has a certain chalky, tangible consistency that’s rarely found in icing of other colors. I appreciate it. I also appreciate how long and widespread this promotion has been. I’ve found these at MULTIPLE Dunkin locations now, being flanked by the gingerbread donut. The gingerbread flavoring in this one is convincing, though I think the caked on frosting helps. A note about frosting: The more dry and plastic in consistency it is, the better it is. I can’t stand it when shit gets on my hands and when it gets greasy. Even if I do hold my donuts with napkins, It’s just an unpleasant experience smattering your face in donut…grease. Makes you feel hot and sweaty and disgusting. I can’t even talk about this anymore. Let’s talk about something else disgusting…(as I’m coming down from a nauseating “Bolocoma”….
Mcrib is back. El Sabor or something the sign says en espanol. For only 4.50 (Tax included) you can now get the porklet sandwhich, fries, a drank and a FREE apple pie. I imagine, due to the hand printed out signs, that this is not a nation-wide promotion. Either way, I was feeling the Christmas cheer. It’s the season of getting. I don’t know when the Mcrib will actually be gone for good, but I shall not mourn it given the enormously long span of time in which it’s been available to us now. I think I’ve had about 4 of them in this time period though, and they’ve been getting increasingly less impressive.

We actually have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season…and a lot to look forward to. I’m going to now rattle off my official CHRISTMAS LIST! A top ten things I want or ten things I’m looking forward to that are pretty cool stories…bro. I guess this is really a nerdy/trendy Christmas list more than anything, but it’s basically the driving reasons to be alive during the winter months.

1. TRON! Coming out this week is the new super sleek astroglide movie TRON with Jeff Bridges. Hopefully it has nothing to do with the original TRON, which sucks a fat one. It looks like nonsensical fun with visual wonder.

2. THE TOWN on Blu Ray. So apparently, Ben Affleck’s new movie THE TOWN comes out this week on blu ray (to relatively little hype) with an EXTENDED cut that makes the movie half an hour longer. I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to see some of that. This was easily one of my favorite movies this year so I’m eager of course, to see more of it.

3. The Tron Soundtrack…by DAFT PUNK. While I already mentioned the hype for TRON itself, I don’t think I mentioned how damn cool the soundtrack is, which was made by the electronica band, DAFT PUNK. One of the tracks (Track 2, the grid) features Jeff Bridges talking over images of lightcycles and crazy shit flying through the computer screens.
4. BATMAN RETURNS-THE EXTENDED SOUNDTRACK. This is something that’s REALLY important to me, possibly more so than most of the things on this list purely because I’ve been waiting so long for it. The simple fact that I have it though, makes it a little harder to be excited for, like the TRON soundtrack. I’ve always believed this to be Danny Elfman’s best score so this is really a treat getting to hear alternate cues and extended tracks from the score that I’ve been familiarizing myself with since the mid 90’s on cassette tape.
5. The Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job Chrimbus Special. Oh I love Tim and Eric. Their sense of ironically lame humor is highly relevant to my interests. Needless to say, the Chrimbus special now on itunes) improves just about every time I watch the damn thing. It’s been a long, difficult summer and fall without Tim and Eric since the final season of the show ended. Hopefully the Chrimbus special will be a yearly thing and is a sign of more lolz to come.

6. Rocky Horror Picture Show Anniversary Blu Ray. Rocky Horror has been a struggle to get on DVD or blu ray of any kind, but now that it’s finally been transferred, and the transsexual movie is finally on shelves at Walmart and Target, it’s much more attainable. I haven’t broke down and bought this one yet, but hopefully someone gets the hint and picks it up for me…EITHER THAT OR I WASTE MY OWN MONEY ON IT.

7. Admiral Ackbar…the action figure. IT’S A TRAP! No…no it’s not. Instead it’s the best toy version of Admiral Ackbar yet. Highly worthy of purchase, especially at the relatively low exchange rate of currency for fishman of $7 at your local retailer. He comes in the traditional 1980’s style packaging as well to boot. But it’d be a crime to leave Admiral Ackbar in the box when there’s so many lolz to be made. I already have mine. WHERES YOURS?
8. Machete on Blu Ray. While this one is more of a New Years present, Machete complete with cooking lessons from Robert Rodriguez, behind the scenes, and all the extras you can shake a blade at, will be out January 3rd. You can bet your ass I’m excited for this release and I’ll be picking it up regardless of circumstance the day it comes out. Hopefully I’m not too broke from dumping money into all the rest of this stuff by the time it comes out.

9. TRUE GRIT. Coen Brothers. Bridges. Johnny Cash. Epic Little girl. Brolin. Damon. Amazing. That’s about all I have to say. We’re less than a week from GODDAMN TRUE GRIT, which is my most anticipated film of the entire year, and it comes out just a couple days before the year ends. What could possibly outrank this in terms of importance you ask?

10. GOOD WILL TOWARDS MEN. And a merry christmahanukwanzika to everyone. Are you JUDGING me for not being able to think of ten reasons to be alive? A joyous holiday season to you all. Eat shit and die.

90's rocks LIVES...(in the rainforest)

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So 90’s Rocks died a painful death it seems. But now it's back. It's a zombie blog. Scratch that. Fuck zombies. I'm tired of how trendy they are now. I liked them better as the subject of cult films. A lot has happened since the last installment in the chronicling of promotional food items and the unwarranted worship of lowbrow crap intended for children. It’s not really worth opening that can of tuna right now though, when there’s new inspiration afoot for more passionate rambling about the unimportant. The show must go on; though I feel like I’ve said that before on this blog. Sloth can be the vice of men, and I fear I’ll never write another word in my life of my own volition unless I just painfully bring hand to trackpad and sweat it out. So that’s this then. I’m dedicating this post to a certain blogger, whose achievements in the blogosphere make this one look pitiful; but motivated me to keep at it.

This past summer one of my good friends and I traveled to Orlando on what was essentially a suicide mission to meet Mark Hamill (which didn’t even pan out). Apparently now days Mark’s career has devolved into charging over 100 bucks for a photo op. Who does he think he is…Bill Murray? Anyway, while we were taking buses and cabs around the city of dreams hunting down K Marts and Chick Fil A in the ass-kicking heat, I insisted that we go to DOWNTOWN DISNEY. If you’re living a meaningless life, and you’re unfamiliar with Orlando Florida’s layout and in particular the layout of the Disney Parks (which I think I could easily write 10-15 blog posts about) then you’ll know about the subdivision marketplace area lovingly called DOWNTOWN DISNEY. I think this place really peaked in its cool factor for me at the early turn of the century when the phrase “virtual reality” actually fucking meant something. They had this building full of simulators called Disney Quest which was a popular birthday destination. They also had a huge Virgin Records store, which was the first place in the world where I discovered the scent of marijuana. One of the coolest features was this Planet Hollywood gift shop thing which had insanely expensive film props. We’re talking actual Batman Forever costumes and Ewok fur. The things men go to war to protect. When I was younger I was all about the LEGO store there too. All of these good things have been torn down, replaced or metaphorically shit on over the years and I pity the current younger generation that is told that this is what “fun is all about.” You know nothing about fun. It’s not too late though. It’s never too late, as long as Rainforest Café still stands. Motherfuck!


So what drew your attention to Rainforest café? Oh maybe that it’s a giant goddamn volcano? Or maybe the enormous mushroom standing guard of the place. Or maybe the big animatronic alligator howling out of his aged voice chip at the door? Sidenote: We need more animatronic creatures in today’s society. I miss being able to walk into museums and seeing Dinosaurs and then trying to feed them debris against the will of the “No Touching” signs. So if themed food is pretty much the best thing in the world and if y=mx+b, then clearly a themed RESTAURANT is almost too good for the general public to be allowed to even set eyes on. Walking into Rainforest Café is a sensory overload. I can’t even begin to describe it properly. How can I possibly impart that smell of recycled fountain water? I’m just going to close my eyes and put myself there, typing out a stream of consciousness attempting to describe this place to you.

Apes. Big ol lovable apes banging on their boobs. That is a huge fucking parrot. I didn’t know they came in that size. There is a frog on that tree. Oh yes there are trees. Did you like the sky in Harry Potter? That’s good because the sky in here is like the night sky with light up dots on it. Every twenty minutes or so it’s gonna rain so you better be prepared. There are snakes hanging from the ceiling. Copious amounts of Spanish Moss…I’m afraid it’s going to fall onto my plate. How can a grilled cheese be that expensive? Can I try your cocktail mom? They aren’t going to ARREST us for god sakes it looks like tomato juice! Did you guys see how cool the bathrooms are? Boy this place really makes Bugaboo Creek look like the 7th layer of hell doesn’t it? I’m not leaving without at least 20 bucks worth of animal related shit from the gift shop. Airbrushed t-shirts preferable.

And before you know it the whirlwind of pure elation is over and you’re paying the bill leaving mildly hungry but also possibly suffering from indigestion. Rainforest is a fan of the tiny portion, but fuck it who goes there for the food? Someday I’d like to go back to Rainforest when I’m old enough to drink beer like a real man on a safari and get WASTED and crack up at the elephants. I’m pretty sure that the air vents in Rainforest expel pure MDMA or something. The only other restaurant that can get me stoked like this is this Mars 2112 place in New York which has an Alien Motif, complete with costumed assholes. Rainforest is/was a chain as far as I know though, and there were others to attend outside or Orlando. I think that it’s in a vacation spot only adds to the experience though.

I’ve been to Rainforest 2 times in the past decade. That’s about 96 times too few. I think one hundred would be a little excessive. I’m really hoping they stay in business long enough to remain my fall back plan of employment if this whole college thing doesn’t work out. This also might be one of those “You had to be there” type things where if you went there for the first time now like my friend did this summer; as you might be unable to fully appreciate the awe inspiring awesome of Rainforest. So save the trees folks…otherwise there won’t be a reason for Rainforest Café to parody nature anymore; though as far as I’m concerned the world could become a post apocalyptic, carbon monoxide filled wasteland as long as we still celebrated Halloween and there was a Rainforest Café somewhere. And shamrock shakes. Those are really important too. I’ve had 9 of them since the month started. It’s like my very own March Madness minus the sports.

I'M KINDA EXCITED TO SEE THOR

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Hark! The title bestowed upon this blog post was so obvious an old man and a fool could have agreed upon it. This entry shall here by be wrote in the tongue of the Norseman and the mighty Anthony Hopkins. Upon the rumblings of April, the heavens of Asgard opened and struck the world with Thor-mania. Odin looked upon his work and proclaimed it was good. 7-11 was among the first of puny human establishments to fall to the might of the mjolnir. Thou dare visit 7-11 upon multiple happenstance to exchange currency for thine mighty Thor Slurpees? Nay. Surely you jest Loki! I jest not. Thou hath consumeth now a trifle short of four Thor Slurpees, with the number equivalent to three.

Be there a flavor of god nector flavored with the scent of the maiden Natalie Portman or Thor Sweat, my attempts to find it have been met with failure. I have filled my goblet and drank well of COCA COLA and CHERRY FLAVORED slurpees emblazoned with the thor crests of advertising.

The first thing mere mortals may notice about the goblets is they are adorned with the lenticular motion patterns of hammer-tossing. Atop the perch of the ...lid...rests a mighty statue of a god or foe or Asgard for children drinking the slurpee to devlope idol worship upon. They will cling to these miniature talismans of the mighty Marvel franchise for the rest of their pathetic lives, spiting their foolish parents who try to make them believe the heroic avenger's golden locks are but myth.

So far in my travels thou has exchanged around a grand total of around ten dollars of human currency for thor related slurpee trinket, now posessing resuable plastic cups and straws with the manly visage of Thor, Loki and the evil fire breathing destroyer. Tis a grand bargain and cause for celebration surely!

What could improve perhaps these glorious tokens of asgard? Why of course the jolly liquid known as VODKA. Nave, coward and god alike shall walk the streets swinging hammers with reckless abandon under it's spell with Thor slurpees posessing more spikes than the armor of thee destroyer!

Having enjoyed them to maximum godly potential now, I still require one more cup and miniature ho figurine to have them all. The marking spell of Odin is absolute. So I will soon pound my fist upon the countertop of 7-11 yelling for ANOTHA!

It's human nature to fear the unusual: A critical look at Batman Returns

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The inspiration to write a post struck me late at night, and here I sit in the dark attempting to set a record straight and right injustices against a family name, much like Oswald Cobblepot aka The Penguin pouring over birth certificates in the hall of records about a third of the way through Batman Returns. The family name I’m out to defend is that of the Burton Batman films, and this one in particular which as Christopher Walken elegantly puts it “frankly has a bum rep.” Perhaps the conclusions you can draw from the film’s plot itself and the reputation it has are eerily similar. Abandoned at it’s conception by critics and “comic fans” alike, Returns perhaps isn’t nearly as bad as some make it out to be, only misunderstood by those who can’t see past the grotesque exterior. Much like Batman himself, I feel the need to defend something which cannot save itself, and much like Catwoman; the subject matter at hand is too sexy and insane to be revered in the eyes of the public.

Batman 89’, which I might have been too harsh analyzing is still universally respected by critics and comic fans, many of whom are too bitter and jaded to admit that it may very well be a more true-to-form Batman and Joker story than The Dark Knight. Its sequel Returns however, falls prey to several complaints that are almost always the same by anyone criticizing it; which I’ve heard so many times that I’d venture to call them stereotypical critiques. While Batman 89 is decidedly dated at times and often very aged and misguided feeling in parts, I feel like Batman Returns builds and expands on the themes while incasing the story within the austere whimsical world of Tim Burton. I’d go so far as to say that Batman Returns is the most stylistically affected, though not afflicted, film Burton has ever done. This was a director at his peak; and it’s a shame to see how studios lost faith in these macabre visions for a while after this film’s release.

Perhaps one of the biggest faults Returns has, isn’t even to blame on the film itself so much as the untimely and nonsensical summer release. This is a Christmas film through and through, though it explores the darker and less jolly aspects of the holiday. Prevalent arctic themes, tree lightings and even a bittersweet wishing of Merry Christmas on the last line of the film add to the perversion of the holiday across a comic book landscape.

But wait…one of the main complaints about the movie is that it’s not a very good comic book film and it’s bogged down by being too unrealistic. Ask yourself for a moment if ANY film with a man dressing up like a bat, a woman dressing up like a cat and a man called “the penguin” can ever be interpreted as true-to-life and that argument goes out the window. Perhaps you’re looking for the hyper realism served up in The Dark Knight. You might notice that every moment the most whimsical and unrealistic character, The Joker, who seems to bend the laws of space and time with his all-too-convenient plans is not on screen. Compare that to the romantic arc in Batman Returns. Batman and Catwoman are enemies but Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne are potentially lovers. Upon realizing each other’s identity for the first time, the immediate question posed is “do we start fighting?” This is a great way to delve into the psychological aspect of Batman. He’s often conflicted in his best moments by circumstances that make him want to give up his crusade; times when he’ll rise to the occasion and prove himself to be the true hero that he is. If you're questioning the scene where he kills a thug with dynamite you might as well question the scene where he levels Axis chemicals with explosives in 89', and also take into account that Bob Kane's Batman smoked a pipe and carried a gun. You have to wonder if Bruce meant what he said when he took off his cowl at the end of Returns and asked Selina to come away with him, or if he already knew she would never attempt to lead a “normal” life. Compare this to when Bruce wants to give up being Batman as a result of Rachel being DEAD in The Dark Knight. It makes for an excellent Batman arc…which contradicts how a lot of people say this isn’t a “Batman film.”

Isn’t the whole point of Batman the idea that he’s like an urban legend that strikes fear into the heart of his enemies? Batman isn’t going to flaunt around in every scene. That takes away a crucial element of mystery. Besides, he had his origin story in Batman 89. While the films don’t blend seamlessly given the shrunken scope of Gotham in Returns, you already know this Batman and what he’s capable of. Keaton delivers the same anger-fueled insanity in the role as he does in 89. If you don’t think there’s enough Batman in Returns, ask yourself what more was needed. As opposed to one villain in the first film, now there’s two that are extremely well developed, more so than any others in superhero films with multiple antagonists and there’s more action in this film than just about any of the other Batman films save for 89; all thanks to Batman and his comic book inspired arsenal of gadgets.

People have said that Returns is too dark for a comic book movie, but look at Watchmen on the other end of the spectrum…since when did comic books need to be lighter fare for kids? In addition to bringing comic book movies into the spotlight, 89 also legitimatized them as films for adults and kids alike. Returns knows exactly what it wants to be. It’s not totally stuck in fantasy, but it’s not grounded in realism either. It’s carved out a nice niche for itself in between the campiness of the silver age Batman comics and their outrageous plots and the darkness of its predecessor of a film. Part of the appeal of comic books at the time of their introduction as a graphic medium was the ability to convey the impossible without limitations opening up new kinds of storytelling. Now this is becoming more and more possible thanks to CGI, but it’s great to see a film that was able to set its own standards and create a unique world in the span of roughly 2 hours. It’s just the right blend of black comedy and horror tragedy while still safely under the mantle of Batman.

The iconography of a Batman film is present throughout Returns, often times less in-your-face than it is in the newer films or in 89’. For example: pimping the bat logo. There’s an unforgettably moronic shot in Batman 89 where the Batwing flies past the moon and creates the bat logo. Not only does this defy physics, but it’s superfluous. Even less realistically, the Begins Bat signal is comprised of a prisoner wearing cut rags tied to a searchlight. How about a nice way to tie in the iconic logo and the bat signal without shoving it down our throat like the simple shot of Wayne reading in Returns when the logo shines through the window and he stands up and looks at it. It’s simple. It’s effective. It’s purely badass. Some would say that the shape of the bat signal is too precise…I have to argue, does that matter AT ALL? Like I mentioned before, realism flies out the window period in comic book films, so the logistics of the shape of bat signal are much less relevant than the source of the logo being from a tormented Arkham escapee or an idiotic shot of the batwing blocking the moon. Also part of the Batman iconography in addition to the obvious batsuit, is the Batmobile. While the design of the Batmobile is introduced in 89, the scenes with it are a bit unceremonious and don’t really show off the sleek awesomeness of the vehicle to its full potential. There’s something very “constructed” and fake about it as it cruises through the streets tipping fruit stands. In Returns, it’s a viable threat when it’s under the penguins control, driving recklessly through streets and smashing cars at top speed. Then in one of the single greatest and most innovative comic book movie moments I can think of, the Batmobile splits off the sides into the “Batmissile” to squeeze through a narrow gap between two buildings. It’s this same kind of enthusiasm you see in the “Batpod” scene of The Dark Knight that really makes the truck chase scene stand out. It’s Batman being one step ahead, and ready for anything.

Which brings me to refute another fault of the film, is that The Penguin isn’t a credible threat to Batman. Physically, he never was, and never should be, even in comics. The appearance of the character, deformed physically and mentally in Burton’s vision immediately creates a more formidable presence than anything prior in the comics or other adaptations. The audience fears the Penguin. He admonishes the viewer for treating him differently. First invoking feelings of fear, then pity, and then feelings of hate, the same cycle of emotions that Shreck and the other denizens of Gotham feel towards Penguin in the film. Batman, ever-vigilant is never scared of The Penguin because he knows what he has to do to stop him. Despite his confidence, The Penguin still manages to nearly kill Batman several times in the film, including the Batmobile bomb, an umbrella gun at the end and with the penguin commandos.

One of my friends in particular, a fellow Batman enthusiast faults the film the most for the inclusion of the “penguin commandos” aka live penguin army that lives in the sewer and eventually waddles into the streets of gotham with rocket launchers strapped to their backs while responding to a frequency signal. I think given the absurd nature of the rest of the film, this fits in pretty well. With every failed attempt, the Penguin continues to get angrier and angrier at Batman until he goes to an extreme which he’s clearly had in reserve for a long time coming. This is every bit as dangerous, if not more so than the Joker spraying the city with laughing gas from parade balloons or say…fear toxin in the water supply. If anything I would say that this is slightly more believable than those. If you’re asking how penguin could have possibly acquired the resources, then you also have to ask yourself how The Joker is able to employ Police Officers in The Dark Knight and plant a bomb inside of an inmate while unarmed inside of a holding cell. There’s certain things you just have to accept because like it or not…Batman is still based on a comic book, and like I said earlier, comic books serve to tell stories in a visually appealing way which you couldn’t find elsewhere. As Returns plays out like a big screen comic complete with it’s own artistic style, taking the penguin commando army in stride should be easy to get past after the first five minutes of seeing a baby eat a cat and get tossed into a sewer. At worst you can laugh at these “lighter” deaths and at best you can build a hatred of The Penguin’s pathetic character. The pathos are all there. I would say that there’s less suspension of disbelief involved in frequency controlled penguins than Doc Ock controlling tentacles with his “brain chip” in Spiderman 2…or even the concept of a Spider bite giving someone super powers. I don’t see how it could be difficult to accept, especially in a universe as absurd as Batman’s.

So I’ve written a lot now trying to defend Returns from various possible criticisms (Why do people always bring tomatoes to speeches?) but what sets it apart from the rest? I can safely say that personally, as a lifelong Batman fan, Returns may be the most enjoyable Batman film to me. While for nostalgic reasons, The Dark Knight is still the most fun I ever had with a film given all the hype surrounding the release, Returns is worth a watch if you can overlook the lack of Nolan.

It’s the perfect mix of comic Batman characters with elements of movies ranging from comedy to horror. The suit is there. The tech is certainly there (remote controlled batarang anyone?). The action sequences are tight and well edited. On top of that, it also has my personal favorite musical score of all time for a film. Dark brooding, moody circus music perfectly fits the character of the Penguin and the slinky, screeching effects suit Catwoman’s character very well. Elfman also expands on the already great Batman theme from 89 and mixes the best cues when Batman is on screen with heightened versions of the Penguin suite when the characters are intercut on screen (such as the pursuit of the penguin through the sewers in the third act).

Speaking of the pursuit scene…out of all the secondary bat vehicles introduced in the third act of the Batman films (Batplane, Batwing, Bat sub, Batpod, Bat…sled…) the Batskiboat which narrowly dodges wayward missiles from Penguin Commandos is by far the coolest and most practical. There’s this great overwhelming presence of the absurd in Batman Returns, but the subject matter is so dark (I’ve heard people compare the film to an inkwell) that it’s hard to laugh at it. I think it’s a great mix for a Batman movie. It’s sad, often poignant at times, but also tends to feel like a sitcom akin to the 1966 Batman show crossed with the Addam’s Family. It’s a perfect cross between darkness and camp…beauty and the beast if you will.

One of the greatest scenes in the film is the death of the Penguin. After he has supposedly fallen to his watery grave through glass, he emerges dripping blood and bile from the water behind Batman, in one final attempt to kill him. He reaches for an umbrella, and accidentally "picks a cute one" before collapsing needing a "cold drink of ice water." Hated by everyone his entire life, in his death, the penguins emerge from the corners of his sewer lair and drag him into the water to sink to the bottom. It's touching, bizarre even to Batman, who watches the procession unfold. The music is powerful, sad and extremely fitting. It's incredible to see an incredibly humanizing and tragic end to a character that is so easy for most people to hate throughout the film.

Rather than just elude to the accepted truths of the Batman mythos like the super-urban high tech current films, grim to the core, I think Batman Returns is a good superhero film that’s certainly worth watching again if you feel like it’s “stupid” or not a “batman film.” I wish I could have spent more time praising the nuances in Devito’s performance or the greatness of Catwoman’s role in this film as the only truly well written female character in the Batman series’, but the pitiful legacy Returns has acquired among comic fans made this more of a crusade to set the record right. Though I would hardly call myself a Returns apologist…as there’s nothing to be sorry for. This is an excellent film.

"Come what may...Merry Christmas Mr. Wayne..."

"Merry Christmas Alfred. Goodwill toward men. And women."