This past summer one of my good friends and I traveled to Orlando on what was essentially a suicide mission to meet Mark Hamill (which didn’t even pan out). Apparently now days Mark’s career has devolved into charging over 100 bucks for a photo op. Who does he think he is…Bill Murray? Anyway, while we were taking buses and cabs around the city of dreams hunting down K Marts and Chick Fil A in the ass-kicking heat, I insisted that we go to DOWNTOWN DISNEY. If you’re living a meaningless life, and you’re unfamiliar with Orlando Florida’s layout and in particular the layout of the Disney Parks (which I think I could easily write 10-15 blog posts about) then you’ll know about the subdivision marketplace area lovingly called DOWNTOWN DISNEY. I think this place really peaked in its cool factor for me at the early turn of the century when the phrase “virtual reality” actually fucking meant something. They had this building full of simulators called Disney Quest which was a popular birthday destination. They also had a huge Virgin Records store, which was the first place in the world where I discovered the scent of marijuana. One of the coolest features was this Planet Hollywood gift shop thing which had insanely expensive film props. We’re talking actual Batman Forever costumes and Ewok fur. The things men go to war to protect. When I was younger I was all about the LEGO store there too. All of these good things have been torn down, replaced or metaphorically shit on over the years and I pity the current younger generation that is told that this is what “fun is all about.” You know nothing about fun. It’s not too late though. It’s never too late, as long as Rainforest Café still stands. Motherfuck!
So what drew your attention to Rainforest café? Oh maybe that it’s a giant goddamn volcano? Or maybe the enormous mushroom standing guard of the place. Or maybe the big animatronic alligator howling out of his aged voice chip at the door? Sidenote: We need more animatronic creatures in today’s society. I miss being able to walk into museums and seeing Dinosaurs and then trying to feed them debris against the will of the “No Touching” signs. So if themed food is pretty much the best thing in the world and if y=mx+b, then clearly a themed RESTAURANT is almost too good for the general public to be allowed to even set eyes on. Walking into Rainforest Café is a sensory overload. I can’t even begin to describe it properly. How can I possibly impart that smell of recycled fountain water? I’m just going to close my eyes and put myself there, typing out a stream of consciousness attempting to describe this place to you.
Apes. Big ol lovable apes banging on their boobs. That is a huge fucking parrot. I didn’t know they came in that size. There is a frog on that tree. Oh yes there are trees. Did you like the sky in Harry Potter? That’s good because the sky in here is like the night sky with light up dots on it. Every twenty minutes or so it’s gonna rain so you better be prepared. There are snakes hanging from the ceiling. Copious amounts of Spanish Moss…I’m afraid it’s going to fall onto my plate. How can a grilled cheese be that expensive? Can I try your cocktail mom? They aren’t going to ARREST us for god sakes it looks like tomato juice! Did you guys see how cool the bathrooms are? Boy this place really makes Bugaboo Creek look like the 7th layer of hell doesn’t it? I’m not leaving without at least 20 bucks worth of animal related shit from the gift shop. Airbrushed t-shirts preferable.
And before you know it the whirlwind of pure elation is over and you’re paying the bill leaving mildly hungry but also possibly suffering from indigestion. Rainforest is a fan of the tiny portion, but fuck it who goes there for the food? Someday I’d like to go back to Rainforest when I’m old enough to drink beer like a real man on a safari and get WASTED and crack up at the elephants. I’m pretty sure that the air vents in Rainforest expel pure MDMA or something. The only other restaurant that can get me stoked like this is this Mars 2112 place in New York which has an Alien Motif, complete with costumed assholes. Rainforest is/was a chain as far as I know though, and there were others to attend outside or Orlando. I think that it’s in a vacation spot only adds to the experience though.
I’ve been to Rainforest 2 times in the past decade. That’s about 96 times too few. I think one hundred would be a little excessive. I’m really hoping they stay in business long enough to remain my fall back plan of employment if this whole college thing doesn’t work out. This also might be one of those “You had to be there” type things where if you went there for the first time now like my friend did this summer; as you might be unable to fully appreciate the awe inspiring awesome of Rainforest. So save the trees folks…otherwise there won’t be a reason for Rainforest Café to parody nature anymore; though as far as I’m concerned the world could become a post apocalyptic, carbon monoxide filled wasteland as long as we still celebrated Halloween and there was a Rainforest Café somewhere. And shamrock shakes. Those are really important too. I’ve had 9 of them since the month started. It’s like my very own March Madness minus the sports.
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