25 Şubat 2013 Pazartesi

Lost Girl – season 2 – review

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Director: various

First aired: 2011-2012

Contains spoilers

Everyone’s favourite succubus, Bo (Anna Silk), is back and for those who have not read my review of season 1, I’ll repeat that although she is a succubus (and a fae, making her a natural creature rather than something either demonic or undead), she is certainly also an energy vampire hence being reviewed on TMtV.

The season doesn’t feature a standard vampire (the first season had a fleeting visitation within it) but like the first season does feature a vampire-like/genre interesting creature in one of the stories.

Anthony Lemke as Ryan Lambert
Bo is still unaligned (choosing neither dark nor light faction of the fae) and her love life is as complex as ever. Werewolf Dyson (Kris Holden-Ried, Underworld Awakening & the Death of Alice Blue) sacrificed his love for Bo to help her at the end of season 1 and so is keeping his distance, she is having an affair with human doctor Lauren (Zoie Palmer) but the doctor has a secret with regards her relationship and also falls for a dark fae, a loki named Ryan Lambert (Anthony Lemke) – in this universe loki are a species of fae and the God aspect was just PR on their behalf, but they are tricksters.

Raoul Trujillo as the Garuda
Her professional life is complicated also with a new Ash – the leader of the light fae – in the form of Lachlan (Vincent Walsh), a man who seems to have little tolerance for the unaligned succubus. She is also being stalked by the Nain Rouge (Hayley Nault), a fae that watches tragic events and knows that Bo is at the heart of a threat to all fae. That threat is from a creature called the Garuda (Raoul Trujillo, True Blood Season 1 & House of Frankenstein), a creature that is older than the fae and feeds on their conflict (which is quite vampiric itself, come to think of it, but one wonders what he fed on before the fae came to be).

the mare feeds
I mentioned a vampire like creature and this was a Mare (Kristina Pesic). Made famous in the painting the Nightmare by Henry Fuseli, the mare gives her name to the word nightmare. A creature that would hag-ride victims and feed off their energy whilst giving them nightmares we see her attack Bo in her sleep, an act that makes a psychic link between the mare and her victim. The victim then suffers nightmares and the mare feeds off their fear.

one of the better effects
The series itself had a cheap feeling about it, I’m afraid, something about the quality of the actual filming, the lack of special effects (there were some, and some later on where quite good, but all in all the creatures as humans negated the need for much in the way of effects) and the low body count on screen (large crowds of creatures were mentioned but unseen and the sets felt empty at times). I can’t say I noticed this as much in the first series and it was a shame as the stories are engaging.

Anna Silk as Bo
Of course, the stories being engaging are the main thing and whilst this won’t win awards it does entertain (me at least). I think, therefore, that this deserves it’s 6 out of 10. Thanks to Sarah who got me the boxset for Christmas.

The imdb page is here.

New Vampire Cinema – review

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Author: Ken Gelder

First published: 2012

The Blurb: New Vampire Cinema lifts the coffin lid on forty contemporary vampire films, from 1992 to the present day, charting the evolution of a genre that is, rather like its subject, at once exhausted and vibrant, inauthentic and 'original', insubstantial and self-sustaining.

Ken Gelder's fascinating study begins by looking at Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula and Fran Rubel Kuzui's Buffy the Vampire Slayer – films that seemed for a moment to take vampire cinema in completely opposite directions.

New Vampire Cinema then examines what happened afterwards, across a remarkable range of reiterations of the vampire that take it far beyond its original Transylvanian setting: the suburbs of Sweden (Let the Right One In), the forests of North America (the Twilight films), New York City (Nadja, The Addiction), Mexico (Cronos, From Dusk Till Dawn), Japan (Blood: The Last Vampire, Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust), South Korea (Thirst), New Zealand (Perfect Creature), Australia (Daybreakers), and elsewhere. In a series of exhilarating readings, Gelder determines what is at stake when the cinematic vampire and the modern world are made to encounter one another – where the new, the remake and the sequel find the vampire struggling to survive the past, the present and, in some cases, the distant future.

The review: A perfect Valentine’s gift? For some maybe not, but for me it was and I must begin this review with a thank you to my long-suffering better half.

Gelder’s volume is a scholarly look at some of the seminal vampire movies of the last twenty years (complaints that Twilight could be included in such a study should be stowed away, whether you like it or not the franchise has, by force of sheer popularity, shoved its way into the public awareness and has influenced – by action or reaction – the entire genre).

I enjoyed Gelder’s writing style and appreciated his thoughts and theories. Not that I agreed with his every point but they were thoughtful, well-argued and I respected each one. There was one point of accuracy that struck me so strongly as I read it that I knew I’d have to mention it. Gelder suggests, when talking about Thirst, that “The vampire suicide is something quite new, going utterly against the grain of the popular cliché that these creatures want to ‘live forever’.” Not so, Varney repeatedly tried to commit suicide as he did not wish to go on between 1845-1847 in Varney the Vampire. or, the Feast of Blood finally ending the saga with a voluntary dive into Mount Vesuvius. The idea of vampiric suicide has resurfaced on occasion since then. This point aside, the only argument I could have with Gelder would be on the basis of opinion.

Gelder included one unusual film, Irma Vep. This film concerns a fictional remake of Louis Feuillade’s 1915 serial Les Vampires. Whilst I give the original serial an Honourable Mention, for reasons explained in that article, I have never considered looking at Irma Vep. In fairness Gelder suggests “Irma Vep is not quite a vampire film; we might say that it puts itself into proximity with vampire films, that it cites them, summons them and draws them in (and keeps them at bay).” Needless to say, I am going to have to look at the film for the blog at some point now.

A great book for the scholar of the media vampire and necessary for any self-respecting vampire library. 9 out of 10.

Houston means that I'm one step closer to sleep

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Coming at you from Houston, TX...where I'm officially beginning my busy weekend.  We just got done playing some Rock Band, and right now Michael's playing Condemned 2.  Pretty scary.  Tonight we plan to go to the Hard Rock Cafe and then play Halo 3 online where we'll make people wish they'd never been born.  Actually I've never played Halo 3 online.  But they'll still wish they'd never been born.  In the morning we depart at 8AM to drive two hours and get in line to see one of my favorite bands, switchfoot.  One of the best bands ever as well as one of the best live shows around.  Anyway, we're going to stick around long enough to meet them and hand them a demo (you never know after our relient k experience).  So, long story short, we'll be pushing 1 or 2AM before we're out of there.  Then, we get in the car and drive 3 hours straight back to east texas just in time for me to get ready, get in my truck and drive two hours to dallas to fill in playing at church for a friend of mine.  I have to be there by 8:30AM.  The service starts at 10 and ends at 11.  Then, I'm going to meet a new friend for lunch.  Hopefully I'll get in bed by around 7PM and sleep until about 9AM.  Then, I'll get up and mow a yard or two.  Tuesday I don't plan on doing one thing.  
Also, red velvet cake is one of the best things ever invented, provided there's cream cheese frosting.
Tune In Tomorrow Album believe it or not is coming along.  still in the middle of the final push.  This business is and expensive one to be in...been writing lots of new music as well so there won't be too much pressure on the next album.
Here's to thinking people actually care about my day to day life...
-Dillon

I'm pretty lazy when it comes to blogging

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I blog when I have nothing to blog about and last weekend something happened worth blogging about and I haven't done it yet. Well, better late.

So, like I said before, we went to see Switchfoot in beaumont, tx this last weekend. We got to beaumont at about 10:30 and found that the venue was a small outdoor lot with a stage where people were setting up sound. We got where they told us the line started which was pretty much side stage. Well, around 11:00 a tour bus showed up and parked right in front of us. Several people walked in and out of it until finally, lead singer Jon Foreman walked out. We were the only people in line so we were pretty excited not to have to fight for his attention. He was on the phone so he finished up his conversation and headed over to shake our hands and say hi. He asked us what there was to do in beaumont and we sadly told him we weren't from there. He decided to walk around the block to look for some antique shops but not before we handed him a demo and told him how much his music means to us, for which he was grateful.

Then, guitarist Drew Shirley steps off and says hi as well. He mentioned something about his Grandparents living in beaumont. Anyway, a little later he came back and asked if we new our way around beamont, to which we said no. He then explained that he wanted to rent a car to go see his grandma but he could only rent one for 2 days at a time which wouldn't work. He then asked, if he could find directions, if we could give him a ride. So, pretty much Nathan drove Drew around beaumont for a while with me and michael in the back seat. When you've been listening to a band for so long, something like that is kind of surreal. Anyway, we got to talk to him about tune in tomorrow as well as michael's solo project and we told him that we had given Jon a demo. He said he'd give it a lisen as well as hook us up with free shirts. He also got Michael's $20 acoustic guitar signed by the band. Pretty cool. Not to mention we were front row for one of the best live shows music has to offer.

So surprisingly we got out of there around nine because the show started early. That put me home by 1AM leaving time to get a few hours of sleep. Then I got up at five, left at six, and got to a church in dallas at 8:30 to help with worship. Then I met my new friend for lunch which was outstanding. The lunch and the new friend. The drive home from dallas was rough, but other than that an amazing weekend.

The funny thing about it is that I prayed before we left that we'd be in the right place at the right time. pretty crazy.

-Dillon

Nobody likes you when you're 23

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Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone!  I'm currently in arkansas doing some different things including hanging out with good friends and taking pictures of stuff for the TinT record cover.  I'm currently downloading the masters of the record.  Pretty exciting.  
I had a hard time deciding the title of this post.  It was between the Blink-182 lyric that I used and "Here at 23 it's the same old me" from the Relient K song "Maintain Consciousness".  Not sure exactly what ended up being the deciding factor, but hopefully the one I chose doesn't end up being true.  
See ya.
-Dillon, 23

24 Şubat 2013 Pazar

El Charro de las Calaveras – review

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Director: Alfredo Salazar

Release date: 1965

Contains spoilers

Oh the joy, and that is not sarcastic. From director Alfredo Salazar comes one of the most hokey moments of Mexican cinema El Charro de las Calaveras or the Rider of the Skulls (Dagoberto Rodríguez).

The film centred on the masked hero, the rider, a man whose parents were killed by bandits and so donned a mask (because justice has no face), stitched three skulls to his shirt (to represent the three bandits, who he killed I think) and took on evil wherever he could find it. The film itself is split into three almost unrelated shorts.

the werewolf
The first sees the rider arrive at a hacienda haunted by a werewolf. The wolf makeup is as hilarious as you’d expect. Strangely, for the transformation effects, he goes from human form to a skeleton and then from skeleton to wolfman form (and vice versa). By the end of the segment the wolfman is killed as is his wife and so rider adopts their child, a young boy called Perico and their servant – the film’s unfunny comic relief – Cleofas (Pascual García Peña). He even shows them the face that lurks under the mask. In the next two segments Cleofas is still with him but Perico has gone to school and has been replaced by another young boy called Juanito.

the vampire
Part three is a headless horseman tale and so it is the vampire in part two that we are concerned with. It begins with a bat that turns into a Papier-mâché headed vampire that attacks a man and then flies back to his coffin in an abandoned house. Heading towards San Andros, where this took place, are the Rider and his companions as he has heard of strange goings on there.

Maria
A farmer and his daughter, Maria, sit by the deathbed of her mother. The farmer needs to get a doctor but Maria complains that it is night and thus dangerous. He goes anyway and has not gotten far when the vampire jumps out of a tree, causing the horse to throw the farmer. When Maria sees the rider-less horse run back she chases into the night and straight into the vampire. She faints.

the Rider of the Skulls
The vampire decides she is gorgeous and will turn her into a vampire but the Rider and his companions are coming so he hides. The vampire jumps them (Cleofas exclaims that his blood is no good as he is anaemic). As the companions get Maria away, the Rider and the vampire fight. The vampire gets the upper hand but the cock crows. The next night he gets to Maria and turns her, taking her to a cemetery so she can die and be reborn as a vampire and the Rider has two vampires to deal with…

on horse
This is camp fun. The effects are awful, including rubber bats flitting in a way only a wire could produce and the awful vampire head. A staked vampire turns into a bat and dies and his victims become human again (despite the film explicitly stating that to turn a victim has to have died). The stories are just about functional and the music mariachi. Despite the Western look, the dating is contemporary with cars in the last story.

Is it a good film? No and 3 out of 10 is awfully generous but, despite how rubbish it is, it is still fun and joyful in that really bad movie way. The DVD has no subtitles but there are fan subs on the net.

The imdb page is here.

Dead Spots – review

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Author: Melissa F Olson

First published: 2012

Contains spoilers

The Blurb: Scarlett Bernard knows about personal space: step within ten feet of her, and any supernatural spells or demonic forces are instantly defused—vampires and werewolves become human again, and witches can’t get out so much as a “hocus pocus.” This special skill makes her a null and very valuable to Los Angeles’s three most powerful magical communities, who utilize her ability to scrub crime scenes clean of all traces of the paranormal to keep humanity, and the LAPD, in the dark.

But one night Scarlett’s late arrival to a grisly murder scene reveals her agenda and ends with LAPD’s Jesse Cruz tracking her down to strike a deal: he’ll keep quiet about the undead underworld if she helps solve the case. Their pact doesn’t sit well with Dash, the city’s chief bloodsucker, who fears his whole vampire empire is at stake. And when clues start to point to Scarlett, it’ll take more than her unique powers to catch the real killer and clear her name.

The Review: Dead Spots is an urban fantasy and one that, for the most part, eschews the blurring with paranormal romance – a fact for which I am grateful.

Set in Los Angeles, it is a city where two worlds sit side by side – our world and the Old World. The Old World is made up of (urban) witches, werewolves and vampires and is hidden, for the most part, from human view.

That is where Scarlett comes in. She is a null and she dampens Old World magic. The vampires become human, vulnerable and begin to age, wolves transform back into their human selves and spells are nothing more than mumbled words. She is employed to help hide supernatural accidents and crimes – kind of a paranormal woman in black.

The idea of the null is good but not entirely original – such a creature exists in the steampunk world of the parasol protectorate. The main difference here is that Scarlett has a field, whereas in the other series the effect is by touch. Of course this world is less fantastical.

The vampire lore was pretty much standard, vampires are dead during the day (I was unsure by the end if they would also burn in sunlight be suspect that is the case) and destruction of the heart will kill them. Silver and garlic are simply minor irritants and holy artefacts have no effect. Their hair and nails continue to grow and they have eye mojo. For some reason turns are becoming less and less certain, but ingestion of vampire blood is necessary. Sometimes a vampire will be turned with an automatic boost to their power, most develop power as they age.

What I liked about this – beyond the fact that Olson’s primary character is absolutely flawed and damaged – is in the style of the writing. Most urban fantasy is written first person and it does become a tad wearisome. Whilst Olson does have first person, from Scarlett’s point of view, she also has chapters in third person, following LA Cop Jesse, and this added a dimension often lost in this particular sub-genre.

There isn’t really a massive good or evil element to this, more shades of grey, which was refreshing also. I think that making vampire head honcho Dashiell’s original persona John Polidori and suggesting that a vampiric Clare Clairmont gave Stoker the information for Dracula was perhaps a little hokey, but that was just a coda thing. This is a solid volume and might prove a nice entry into the arena of urban fantasy. 7 out of 10.

A cut down version of this review first appeared on Amazon UK.

Being Human (US – season 2) – review

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Director: Various

First aired: 2012

Contains spoilers

When I reviewed season one of this US reimagining of the BBC series I was seriously impressed. You see the BBC pilot was astounding but the first BBC season wasn’t quite as good. The dry, Withnail like humour had been lost and whilst it was still funny it wasn’t quite the same.

Season on season the UK series has become poorer and poorer. Deus ex machina, plot holes, plot contrivances and pantomime acting/humour began to overtake the better aspects. Season 5, which I am watching as I review this, is not looking like being too much better (though the Alex character might pull the season out of the mire). So the drama driven, plot tight US series was welcome.

seeing Bishop
Season two has really not disappointed. Ok, it probably has a better budget but it also has believable (within the supernatural framework) stories and better acting that doesn’t make me want to shout “he’s behind you”. I take the point in the comments to my season one review that some of the characters are narcissistic, but I’d rather have that than what developed in the UK series. At the end of season 1 Sally (Meaghan Rath), the ghost, had missed her door to the other side but was still mostly incorporeal. At no point in the series do normal people ever see her. Werewolf Josh (Sam Huntington, Dylan Dog: Dead of Night) and Nora (Kristen Hager, Valemont) try to have a normal life but Josh has scratched her whilst transforming – interestingly she cannot see Sally until after her first turn. Finally vampire Aiden (Sam Witwer) has killed his maker, Bishop (Mark Pellegrino) and is dealing with a power vacuum in Boston.

Mother, the vampire matriarch
Into this enters Mother (Deena Aziz, the Moth Diaries and The Hunger: A Matter of Style). Whilst there is a vampire council the real power resides with this matriarch. She decides that Bishop’s vampire army – the orphans – will all die and that Aiden will not run Boston; rather her daughter, Suren (Dichen Lachman, Bled), will lead Boston with Aiden aiding her.

dessicated vampire
The trouble is that Suren has been buried for eighty years. When she is dug up she is a withered husk, which revives with blood – astoundingly she has kept her sanity. As for Aiden – after the hospital tightens security at the blood bank (and remember vampires reflect/show on cameras in this version) he can’t get blood bags and ends up going on “live”. A recently fed vampire acts drunkenly, Aiden is known to hallucinate when on binges – in this case of Bishop.

skinned alive
The backstory shown in season gives us an insight into the near relationship that Aiden had with Suren and her affair gone bad, which led to her burial, with Aiden’s vampire son Henry (Kyle Schmid, Blood Ties). He, of course, reappears on the scene and, to gain her forgiveness, he submits to Suren skinning him alive – a fate that won’t kill a vampire, and the skin will grow back, but has to seriously sting! We discover that a vampire’s eye mojo is powerful but can have its limits. In the last series we saw what happens to an uninvited vampire who steps over a threshold. What happens if a group of vampires are in a house when it legally changes hands (thus they are not invited by the new owner)? This season shows us.

a dead pure-bred
The idea of poisonous werewolf blood was introduced in Being Human (UK) season 4 and was poorly handled. It is introduced here and works well. For a start the “acid blood” aspect is not used. Secondly Aiden admits he has never tried it, something about the smell, and thus he does not know the effect. When in desperate straits he tries it, subsequently he gets a rush of power but is quickly ill, puking blood and bleeding from the eyes, but he does not die. In other wolf lore we discover that there are pure-breds – werewolves born not changed. In a turn around from standard werewolf lore, if one of these is shot in human form (with silver) then the human corpse becomes a wolf. We also discover that, allegedly, killing the one who cursed you, whilst they are in human form, will lift the curse.

seasons don't fear the reaper...
Sally’s storyline is vaguely similar to the Annie storyline in the Second UK Season. She discovers a dark-side to being a ghost, one of human possession (an addictive pastime) and shredding (ripping another ghost apart). As well as this she meets Zoe (Susanna Fournier) a paediatric nurse and medium who helps ghosts reincarnate (if she deems them good enough) by merging them with the spirits of sickly (and dying) babies. Sally also discovers that ghosts can sleep but, when she does, she dreams of a black shape that then stalks her. This reaper (Dusan Dukic) shreds ghosts deemed irredeemable and has a job offer for Sally.

on werewolf blood
This season, if anything, was a cut above the first and is certainly superior to anything the BBC are putting out in the franchise. Cliffhangers aplenty, and a lack of ridiculous situations and pantomime performances from supporting characters, leave me totally anticipating season 3. 8 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

Vampire Tales volume 2 – review

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Author: Various

Artist: Various

First Published: 2010 (this format)

Contains spoilers

The Blurb: It’s 1974, and vampires have never been more frightening!

Morbius, the Living Vampire, can’t catch a break as he battles a demon cult and the bizzare Death-Flame for the life of Amanda saint! Plus: Witness Morbius’ origin like never before! Also featuring Lilith, the daughter of Dracula! Kraska! Count Varma! Count Barsac and the Nazis! And more vampires than you can shake a wooden stake at!

The review: How many exclamation marks can one small blurb use? This is the second volume of Vampire Tales – we looked at the first volume here - and covers issues 4 -7. The blurb does reveal much of what is in store for a reader, plenty of Morbius, including his origins and, as well as Lilith the Daughter of Dracula we get a short piece about the biblical Lilith . Satana seemed to have been phased out in this issues as a character.

Morbius is on fine, depressed form, describing a feed thusly: “The Gothic romance novels lie. Roman Polanski’s vampire movie myths are just that. There is nothing erotic or romantic about the vampiric act. It is sheer brutal desperation.”

For the most part the standalone stories are excellent, great stories with the fantastic 70s black and white art that I mentioned in my review of volume 1. One story, Bats, stood out therefore as it was the only one that lost its own internal logic and made the reader surface from the story and wonder what the Hell the author was thinking. One poor short story in a whole volume, however, is an impressive quality mark. Like volume 1 this deserves 8 out of 10.

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tales of the Dead Man's Float

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So this episode doesn't seem early on like it has too much potential to creep. Pass the scary intro, pass the typical Midnight Society chatter, hurp a durp durp, and the episode arrives at its intro. Basically, a kid in some pool starts screamin that somethings grabbing him in the water and the lifeguard jumps in to save him, but he can't get him out! The kid just drowns right there and one has to wonder... WHAT WAS PULLING HIM UNDER?

Cut ahead like 40 years or something to some nerd being nerdy and some bitch being bitchy. He invites her to see something that he thinks she'd like.

"He began to unzip his pants..."
Cut to next morning and it turns out the thing nerd boy wanted to show the chick was not his embarrassingly small genitalia, but was an abandoned pool in the schools basement (what the hell were they thinking). She says MAYBE YOU DON'T SUCK AT LIFE AFTER ALL (don't quote me on that) and cut to a few weeks later and hoeface convinced the school to set the pool up. THE PLOT THICKENS. Turns out that Mr. Nerd is helping her with her homework in exchange for sexual favors swimming lessons. Suddenly SOMETHING THROWS THEM OUT OF THEIR RAFT (why they have a raft in the swimming pool instead of just... standing on the edge of the pool I will never know). They think they're done for when suddenly HEROIC JANITOR PULLS THEM OUT IN THE NICK OF TIME! Why was he there when the only people in the pool were 2 young children? Why was he hiding from them until they were almost drowning? We may never know.

Pictured above: A convicted sex offender. With a HEART OF GOLD.

As to be expected from a senior citizen with a dead-end job, he has a boring story to tell. HE WAS THE LIFE GUARD IN THE INTRO, AND THE DROWNED KID WAS HIS BROTHERRR. He convinced the school to close the pool because it was killing people... Because the pool was built on an INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! When are people going to figure out that this kind of behavior will lead to homicidal haunts 95% of the time? It's common sense at this point, really. Anyways, old moustachio up there has no idea how to stop the beast. But science nerd MAGICALLY figures out that the ghost, smelling like ass, must be made of ACID. A native ghost made of fucking ACID, how bad can this get? So basically the kid decides to toss in some delicious chemicals to make the beast reveal its TRUE FORM. He tosses some Tang into the pool and the results are... ABSOLUTELY BAT SHIT INSANELY HORRIFYING.


The reason I dropped chemistry class.

SO CLEARLY, the producers forgot to mention to the director that this was a show for kids, but decided doing more filming to replace the beast with something less nightmare-inducing was too much strain on the budget. So this things been swimming around children in bathing suits and has been just dragging them down and going to town. GOD DAMN!

But as any hero would, the super hoe from the beginning of the episode has some death powder to burn the thing, but herpaderp nerd kid throws it out of her hands and into the pool. YOU'LL BURN YOURSELF OMG. Dumbass. They all decide to dive in to get it (kids these days) as Scruffy watches shitting bricks. The beast goes in to get them but being an indecisive creature just kind of fails at that. The kids grab the container, PUT GLOVES ON, and then destroy the beast.

Cut to like a week later and they're banging. Wow. Realistic.

Spook: 10/5
Funny: 0/5
Total: 4.5/5

If you're looking for an episode of these shows that are actually going to make you shit a brick, this one is what you'll be looking for every time.


Youtube link to the episode

23 Şubat 2013 Cumartesi

It's human nature to fear the unusual: A critical look at Batman Returns

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The inspiration to write a post struck me late at night, and here I sit in the dark attempting to set a record straight and right injustices against a family name, much like Oswald Cobblepot aka The Penguin pouring over birth certificates in the hall of records about a third of the way through Batman Returns. The family name I’m out to defend is that of the Burton Batman films, and this one in particular which as Christopher Walken elegantly puts it “frankly has a bum rep.” Perhaps the conclusions you can draw from the film’s plot itself and the reputation it has are eerily similar. Abandoned at it’s conception by critics and “comic fans” alike, Returns perhaps isn’t nearly as bad as some make it out to be, only misunderstood by those who can’t see past the grotesque exterior. Much like Batman himself, I feel the need to defend something which cannot save itself, and much like Catwoman; the subject matter at hand is too sexy and insane to be revered in the eyes of the public.

Batman 89’, which I might have been too harsh analyzing is still universally respected by critics and comic fans, many of whom are too bitter and jaded to admit that it may very well be a more true-to-form Batman and Joker story than The Dark Knight. Its sequel Returns however, falls prey to several complaints that are almost always the same by anyone criticizing it; which I’ve heard so many times that I’d venture to call them stereotypical critiques. While Batman 89 is decidedly dated at times and often very aged and misguided feeling in parts, I feel like Batman Returns builds and expands on the themes while incasing the story within the austere whimsical world of Tim Burton. I’d go so far as to say that Batman Returns is the most stylistically affected, though not afflicted, film Burton has ever done. This was a director at his peak; and it’s a shame to see how studios lost faith in these macabre visions for a while after this film’s release.

Perhaps one of the biggest faults Returns has, isn’t even to blame on the film itself so much as the untimely and nonsensical summer release. This is a Christmas film through and through, though it explores the darker and less jolly aspects of the holiday. Prevalent arctic themes, tree lightings and even a bittersweet wishing of Merry Christmas on the last line of the film add to the perversion of the holiday across a comic book landscape.

But wait…one of the main complaints about the movie is that it’s not a very good comic book film and it’s bogged down by being too unrealistic. Ask yourself for a moment if ANY film with a man dressing up like a bat, a woman dressing up like a cat and a man called “the penguin” can ever be interpreted as true-to-life and that argument goes out the window. Perhaps you’re looking for the hyper realism served up in The Dark Knight. You might notice that every moment the most whimsical and unrealistic character, The Joker, who seems to bend the laws of space and time with his all-too-convenient plans is not on screen. Compare that to the romantic arc in Batman Returns. Batman and Catwoman are enemies but Selina Kyle and Bruce Wayne are potentially lovers. Upon realizing each other’s identity for the first time, the immediate question posed is “do we start fighting?” This is a great way to delve into the psychological aspect of Batman. He’s often conflicted in his best moments by circumstances that make him want to give up his crusade; times when he’ll rise to the occasion and prove himself to be the true hero that he is. If you're questioning the scene where he kills a thug with dynamite you might as well question the scene where he levels Axis chemicals with explosives in 89', and also take into account that Bob Kane's Batman smoked a pipe and carried a gun. You have to wonder if Bruce meant what he said when he took off his cowl at the end of Returns and asked Selina to come away with him, or if he already knew she would never attempt to lead a “normal” life. Compare this to when Bruce wants to give up being Batman as a result of Rachel being DEAD in The Dark Knight. It makes for an excellent Batman arc…which contradicts how a lot of people say this isn’t a “Batman film.”

Isn’t the whole point of Batman the idea that he’s like an urban legend that strikes fear into the heart of his enemies? Batman isn’t going to flaunt around in every scene. That takes away a crucial element of mystery. Besides, he had his origin story in Batman 89. While the films don’t blend seamlessly given the shrunken scope of Gotham in Returns, you already know this Batman and what he’s capable of. Keaton delivers the same anger-fueled insanity in the role as he does in 89. If you don’t think there’s enough Batman in Returns, ask yourself what more was needed. As opposed to one villain in the first film, now there’s two that are extremely well developed, more so than any others in superhero films with multiple antagonists and there’s more action in this film than just about any of the other Batman films save for 89; all thanks to Batman and his comic book inspired arsenal of gadgets.

People have said that Returns is too dark for a comic book movie, but look at Watchmen on the other end of the spectrum…since when did comic books need to be lighter fare for kids? In addition to bringing comic book movies into the spotlight, 89 also legitimatized them as films for adults and kids alike. Returns knows exactly what it wants to be. It’s not totally stuck in fantasy, but it’s not grounded in realism either. It’s carved out a nice niche for itself in between the campiness of the silver age Batman comics and their outrageous plots and the darkness of its predecessor of a film. Part of the appeal of comic books at the time of their introduction as a graphic medium was the ability to convey the impossible without limitations opening up new kinds of storytelling. Now this is becoming more and more possible thanks to CGI, but it’s great to see a film that was able to set its own standards and create a unique world in the span of roughly 2 hours. It’s just the right blend of black comedy and horror tragedy while still safely under the mantle of Batman.

The iconography of a Batman film is present throughout Returns, often times less in-your-face than it is in the newer films or in 89’. For example: pimping the bat logo. There’s an unforgettably moronic shot in Batman 89 where the Batwing flies past the moon and creates the bat logo. Not only does this defy physics, but it’s superfluous. Even less realistically, the Begins Bat signal is comprised of a prisoner wearing cut rags tied to a searchlight. How about a nice way to tie in the iconic logo and the bat signal without shoving it down our throat like the simple shot of Wayne reading in Returns when the logo shines through the window and he stands up and looks at it. It’s simple. It’s effective. It’s purely badass. Some would say that the shape of the bat signal is too precise…I have to argue, does that matter AT ALL? Like I mentioned before, realism flies out the window period in comic book films, so the logistics of the shape of bat signal are much less relevant than the source of the logo being from a tormented Arkham escapee or an idiotic shot of the batwing blocking the moon. Also part of the Batman iconography in addition to the obvious batsuit, is the Batmobile. While the design of the Batmobile is introduced in 89, the scenes with it are a bit unceremonious and don’t really show off the sleek awesomeness of the vehicle to its full potential. There’s something very “constructed” and fake about it as it cruises through the streets tipping fruit stands. In Returns, it’s a viable threat when it’s under the penguins control, driving recklessly through streets and smashing cars at top speed. Then in one of the single greatest and most innovative comic book movie moments I can think of, the Batmobile splits off the sides into the “Batmissile” to squeeze through a narrow gap between two buildings. It’s this same kind of enthusiasm you see in the “Batpod” scene of The Dark Knight that really makes the truck chase scene stand out. It’s Batman being one step ahead, and ready for anything.

Which brings me to refute another fault of the film, is that The Penguin isn’t a credible threat to Batman. Physically, he never was, and never should be, even in comics. The appearance of the character, deformed physically and mentally in Burton’s vision immediately creates a more formidable presence than anything prior in the comics or other adaptations. The audience fears the Penguin. He admonishes the viewer for treating him differently. First invoking feelings of fear, then pity, and then feelings of hate, the same cycle of emotions that Shreck and the other denizens of Gotham feel towards Penguin in the film. Batman, ever-vigilant is never scared of The Penguin because he knows what he has to do to stop him. Despite his confidence, The Penguin still manages to nearly kill Batman several times in the film, including the Batmobile bomb, an umbrella gun at the end and with the penguin commandos.

One of my friends in particular, a fellow Batman enthusiast faults the film the most for the inclusion of the “penguin commandos” aka live penguin army that lives in the sewer and eventually waddles into the streets of gotham with rocket launchers strapped to their backs while responding to a frequency signal. I think given the absurd nature of the rest of the film, this fits in pretty well. With every failed attempt, the Penguin continues to get angrier and angrier at Batman until he goes to an extreme which he’s clearly had in reserve for a long time coming. This is every bit as dangerous, if not more so than the Joker spraying the city with laughing gas from parade balloons or say…fear toxin in the water supply. If anything I would say that this is slightly more believable than those. If you’re asking how penguin could have possibly acquired the resources, then you also have to ask yourself how The Joker is able to employ Police Officers in The Dark Knight and plant a bomb inside of an inmate while unarmed inside of a holding cell. There’s certain things you just have to accept because like it or not…Batman is still based on a comic book, and like I said earlier, comic books serve to tell stories in a visually appealing way which you couldn’t find elsewhere. As Returns plays out like a big screen comic complete with it’s own artistic style, taking the penguin commando army in stride should be easy to get past after the first five minutes of seeing a baby eat a cat and get tossed into a sewer. At worst you can laugh at these “lighter” deaths and at best you can build a hatred of The Penguin’s pathetic character. The pathos are all there. I would say that there’s less suspension of disbelief involved in frequency controlled penguins than Doc Ock controlling tentacles with his “brain chip” in Spiderman 2…or even the concept of a Spider bite giving someone super powers. I don’t see how it could be difficult to accept, especially in a universe as absurd as Batman’s.

So I’ve written a lot now trying to defend Returns from various possible criticisms (Why do people always bring tomatoes to speeches?) but what sets it apart from the rest? I can safely say that personally, as a lifelong Batman fan, Returns may be the most enjoyable Batman film to me. While for nostalgic reasons, The Dark Knight is still the most fun I ever had with a film given all the hype surrounding the release, Returns is worth a watch if you can overlook the lack of Nolan.

It’s the perfect mix of comic Batman characters with elements of movies ranging from comedy to horror. The suit is there. The tech is certainly there (remote controlled batarang anyone?). The action sequences are tight and well edited. On top of that, it also has my personal favorite musical score of all time for a film. Dark brooding, moody circus music perfectly fits the character of the Penguin and the slinky, screeching effects suit Catwoman’s character very well. Elfman also expands on the already great Batman theme from 89 and mixes the best cues when Batman is on screen with heightened versions of the Penguin suite when the characters are intercut on screen (such as the pursuit of the penguin through the sewers in the third act).

Speaking of the pursuit scene…out of all the secondary bat vehicles introduced in the third act of the Batman films (Batplane, Batwing, Bat sub, Batpod, Bat…sled…) the Batskiboat which narrowly dodges wayward missiles from Penguin Commandos is by far the coolest and most practical. There’s this great overwhelming presence of the absurd in Batman Returns, but the subject matter is so dark (I’ve heard people compare the film to an inkwell) that it’s hard to laugh at it. I think it’s a great mix for a Batman movie. It’s sad, often poignant at times, but also tends to feel like a sitcom akin to the 1966 Batman show crossed with the Addam’s Family. It’s a perfect cross between darkness and camp…beauty and the beast if you will.

One of the greatest scenes in the film is the death of the Penguin. After he has supposedly fallen to his watery grave through glass, he emerges dripping blood and bile from the water behind Batman, in one final attempt to kill him. He reaches for an umbrella, and accidentally "picks a cute one" before collapsing needing a "cold drink of ice water." Hated by everyone his entire life, in his death, the penguins emerge from the corners of his sewer lair and drag him into the water to sink to the bottom. It's touching, bizarre even to Batman, who watches the procession unfold. The music is powerful, sad and extremely fitting. It's incredible to see an incredibly humanizing and tragic end to a character that is so easy for most people to hate throughout the film.

Rather than just elude to the accepted truths of the Batman mythos like the super-urban high tech current films, grim to the core, I think Batman Returns is a good superhero film that’s certainly worth watching again if you feel like it’s “stupid” or not a “batman film.” I wish I could have spent more time praising the nuances in Devito’s performance or the greatness of Catwoman’s role in this film as the only truly well written female character in the Batman series’, but the pitiful legacy Returns has acquired among comic fans made this more of a crusade to set the record right. Though I would hardly call myself a Returns apologist…as there’s nothing to be sorry for. This is an excellent film.

"Come what may...Merry Christmas Mr. Wayne..."

"Merry Christmas Alfred. Goodwill toward men. And women."

My review of Super 8: marketing a film as retro doesn't mean it needs to be more of the same

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Seeing a mob of confused people with failing electronic devices and flickering electricity in J. J. Abram’s newest virally-marketed flick, Super 8, I couldn’t help but be reminded of an episode of Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone with an episode called The Monsters are Due on Maple Street. In the classic episode, panicked townsfolk turn to the knowledge of a child who has read too many fantasy stories to guide them through the panic of an alien invasion. Ultimately the twist makes a statement and isn’t something you saw coming, which was always the case with the classic series. Sadly, with Super 8 and its equally mysteriously marketed predecessor Cloverfield from 2008; there is no twist, and the “surprise” of the films is exactly your first thought from the trailers.

The film opens with the protagonist, a young boy named Joe losing his mother and then flashes forward a few months to a group of enthusiastic young film makers attempting to film a zombie movie with a Super 8 camera. For “production value” they film a train as it’s passing by and it happens to explode multiple times. Before you know it the military is involved and it’s up to Joe’s father, the local sheriff, as played by Kyle Chandler (who seemingly holds the position of every other elected official in the town and conducts one-man press conferences) to save the world. Of course since the loss of his wife there has been some distance between him and his son and this alien disaster is just the kind of therapy their father-son relationship needed to bring them together in a one-dimensional and forced emotional arc.

It’s not the only shallow and uninteresting relationship in the movie though. Joe also quickly falls in love with a girl named Alice (Elle Fanning) applying monster make up on the film shoot and is willing to risk his life in the subsequent days to find her when she goes the way of the local dogs and appliances-missing. Scenes of Joe showing Alice footage of his mother and their bizarre under-age bonding experiences are where the film really tends to drag, though the action scenes are equally underwhelming and should serve to prove that the more explosions, thrashing tentacles and spastic unintelligible motion sequences you have in a movie doesn’t add to its stark and tasteful ambiguity, it only leaves the viewer slightly bored.

While it’s true, the use of child protagonists harkens back to older Speilberg films, you have to wonder how they became like a kid version of the A-team. One is a master of pyrotechnics, another a make up artist, one a brilliant actress and the other with an eye for storytelling. This premise unto itself, might have actually been more interesting than the wanton destruction and government conspiracies. Instead I’m left wondering why the film was marketed as if it were framed through a Super 8 camera and the logo of the film focused so much on that, as that plot line quickly devolves after the first 20 minutes until it’s no longer existent or relevant by the end of the film. While protagonists like Elliot in E.T. were able to stand alone in the 80’s and create a dramatic arc without forced drama, it was somehow necessary for Joe to be grieving the loss of his mother and making a film and falling in love prematurely to create a fully dynamic backdrop for alien invasion. And that aspect is nothing we haven’t seen before.

Super 8 borrows techniques and plot devices from tons of other films; from the accidental death of the mother as the result of the carelessness of a side character ala Signs to the government involvement of District 9, Super 8 felt like a movie that I’d seen before which added nothing new to the table. Some critics have said that if it was made in the 80’s it may have been a classic. I think it’s a little unfair to say that, because just about every movie that comes out now with advanced visual effects would have been as well. It feels slightly lazy to fall back on the draw of the film being a period piece with nods to older bodies of work to attempt to validate it. The movie magic surrounding Star Wars, E.T., Close Encounter of the Third Kind, and more is because those films really did something special that added to the ever changing medium of film and brought a new spectacle to the table. As much as I love homage’s to older movies and film connections, Super 8 just feels cut-and-dry and lifeless with no true emotional drive at the core and no genuine need to see how it ends, because you’ve seen it so many times before and you’re certain that all the characters will be fine. For a director that boasts such bold new visions, I can’t help but feel like this film is remarkably predictable and safe.

Toward the beginning of the film before disaster/invasion movie tropes became rampant and monotonous, the screenwriter of the group of kids is explaining how he read books on screenwriting and how you need to write in a love interest. When asked why he can’t supply a real reason other than “That’s how it works.” Thus Elle Fanning’s character is introduced into the zombie film. Ironically she exists in Super 8 for the same reason. For a movie apparently so aware of clichés it never made one attempt to avoid them or deviate from that little how-to guide to screen writing.

Houston means that I'm one step closer to sleep

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Coming at you from Houston, TX...where I'm officially beginning my busy weekend.  We just got done playing some Rock Band, and right now Michael's playing Condemned 2.  Pretty scary.  Tonight we plan to go to the Hard Rock Cafe and then play Halo 3 online where we'll make people wish they'd never been born.  Actually I've never played Halo 3 online.  But they'll still wish they'd never been born.  In the morning we depart at 8AM to drive two hours and get in line to see one of my favorite bands, switchfoot.  One of the best bands ever as well as one of the best live shows around.  Anyway, we're going to stick around long enough to meet them and hand them a demo (you never know after our relient k experience).  So, long story short, we'll be pushing 1 or 2AM before we're out of there.  Then, we get in the car and drive 3 hours straight back to east texas just in time for me to get ready, get in my truck and drive two hours to dallas to fill in playing at church for a friend of mine.  I have to be there by 8:30AM.  The service starts at 10 and ends at 11.  Then, I'm going to meet a new friend for lunch.  Hopefully I'll get in bed by around 7PM and sleep until about 9AM.  Then, I'll get up and mow a yard or two.  Tuesday I don't plan on doing one thing.  
Also, red velvet cake is one of the best things ever invented, provided there's cream cheese frosting.
Tune In Tomorrow Album believe it or not is coming along.  still in the middle of the final push.  This business is and expensive one to be in...been writing lots of new music as well so there won't be too much pressure on the next album.
Here's to thinking people actually care about my day to day life...
-Dillon

I'm pretty lazy when it comes to blogging

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I blog when I have nothing to blog about and last weekend something happened worth blogging about and I haven't done it yet. Well, better late.

So, like I said before, we went to see Switchfoot in beaumont, tx this last weekend. We got to beaumont at about 10:30 and found that the venue was a small outdoor lot with a stage where people were setting up sound. We got where they told us the line started which was pretty much side stage. Well, around 11:00 a tour bus showed up and parked right in front of us. Several people walked in and out of it until finally, lead singer Jon Foreman walked out. We were the only people in line so we were pretty excited not to have to fight for his attention. He was on the phone so he finished up his conversation and headed over to shake our hands and say hi. He asked us what there was to do in beaumont and we sadly told him we weren't from there. He decided to walk around the block to look for some antique shops but not before we handed him a demo and told him how much his music means to us, for which he was grateful.

Then, guitarist Drew Shirley steps off and says hi as well. He mentioned something about his Grandparents living in beaumont. Anyway, a little later he came back and asked if we new our way around beamont, to which we said no. He then explained that he wanted to rent a car to go see his grandma but he could only rent one for 2 days at a time which wouldn't work. He then asked, if he could find directions, if we could give him a ride. So, pretty much Nathan drove Drew around beaumont for a while with me and michael in the back seat. When you've been listening to a band for so long, something like that is kind of surreal. Anyway, we got to talk to him about tune in tomorrow as well as michael's solo project and we told him that we had given Jon a demo. He said he'd give it a lisen as well as hook us up with free shirts. He also got Michael's $20 acoustic guitar signed by the band. Pretty cool. Not to mention we were front row for one of the best live shows music has to offer.

So surprisingly we got out of there around nine because the show started early. That put me home by 1AM leaving time to get a few hours of sleep. Then I got up at five, left at six, and got to a church in dallas at 8:30 to help with worship. Then I met my new friend for lunch which was outstanding. The lunch and the new friend. The drive home from dallas was rough, but other than that an amazing weekend.

The funny thing about it is that I prayed before we left that we'd be in the right place at the right time. pretty crazy.

-Dillon

Nobody likes you when you're 23

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Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone!  I'm currently in arkansas doing some different things including hanging out with good friends and taking pictures of stuff for the TinT record cover.  I'm currently downloading the masters of the record.  Pretty exciting.  
I had a hard time deciding the title of this post.  It was between the Blink-182 lyric that I used and "Here at 23 it's the same old me" from the Relient K song "Maintain Consciousness".  Not sure exactly what ended up being the deciding factor, but hopefully the one I chose doesn't end up being true.  
See ya.
-Dillon, 23

22 Şubat 2013 Cuma

My review of Super 8: marketing a film as retro doesn't mean it needs to be more of the same

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Seeing a mob of confused people with failing electronic devices and flickering electricity in J. J. Abram’s newest virally-marketed flick, Super 8, I couldn’t help but be reminded of an episode of Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone with an episode called The Monsters are Due on Maple Street. In the classic episode, panicked townsfolk turn to the knowledge of a child who has read too many fantasy stories to guide them through the panic of an alien invasion. Ultimately the twist makes a statement and isn’t something you saw coming, which was always the case with the classic series. Sadly, with Super 8 and its equally mysteriously marketed predecessor Cloverfield from 2008; there is no twist, and the “surprise” of the films is exactly your first thought from the trailers.

The film opens with the protagonist, a young boy named Joe losing his mother and then flashes forward a few months to a group of enthusiastic young film makers attempting to film a zombie movie with a Super 8 camera. For “production value” they film a train as it’s passing by and it happens to explode multiple times. Before you know it the military is involved and it’s up to Joe’s father, the local sheriff, as played by Kyle Chandler (who seemingly holds the position of every other elected official in the town and conducts one-man press conferences) to save the world. Of course since the loss of his wife there has been some distance between him and his son and this alien disaster is just the kind of therapy their father-son relationship needed to bring them together in a one-dimensional and forced emotional arc.

It’s not the only shallow and uninteresting relationship in the movie though. Joe also quickly falls in love with a girl named Alice (Elle Fanning) applying monster make up on the film shoot and is willing to risk his life in the subsequent days to find her when she goes the way of the local dogs and appliances-missing. Scenes of Joe showing Alice footage of his mother and their bizarre under-age bonding experiences are where the film really tends to drag, though the action scenes are equally underwhelming and should serve to prove that the more explosions, thrashing tentacles and spastic unintelligible motion sequences you have in a movie doesn’t add to its stark and tasteful ambiguity, it only leaves the viewer slightly bored.

While it’s true, the use of child protagonists harkens back to older Speilberg films, you have to wonder how they became like a kid version of the A-team. One is a master of pyrotechnics, another a make up artist, one a brilliant actress and the other with an eye for storytelling. This premise unto itself, might have actually been more interesting than the wanton destruction and government conspiracies. Instead I’m left wondering why the film was marketed as if it were framed through a Super 8 camera and the logo of the film focused so much on that, as that plot line quickly devolves after the first 20 minutes until it’s no longer existent or relevant by the end of the film. While protagonists like Elliot in E.T. were able to stand alone in the 80’s and create a dramatic arc without forced drama, it was somehow necessary for Joe to be grieving the loss of his mother and making a film and falling in love prematurely to create a fully dynamic backdrop for alien invasion. And that aspect is nothing we haven’t seen before.

Super 8 borrows techniques and plot devices from tons of other films; from the accidental death of the mother as the result of the carelessness of a side character ala Signs to the government involvement of District 9, Super 8 felt like a movie that I’d seen before which added nothing new to the table. Some critics have said that if it was made in the 80’s it may have been a classic. I think it’s a little unfair to say that, because just about every movie that comes out now with advanced visual effects would have been as well. It feels slightly lazy to fall back on the draw of the film being a period piece with nods to older bodies of work to attempt to validate it. The movie magic surrounding Star Wars, E.T., Close Encounter of the Third Kind, and more is because those films really did something special that added to the ever changing medium of film and brought a new spectacle to the table. As much as I love homage’s to older movies and film connections, Super 8 just feels cut-and-dry and lifeless with no true emotional drive at the core and no genuine need to see how it ends, because you’ve seen it so many times before and you’re certain that all the characters will be fine. For a director that boasts such bold new visions, I can’t help but feel like this film is remarkably predictable and safe.

Toward the beginning of the film before disaster/invasion movie tropes became rampant and monotonous, the screenwriter of the group of kids is explaining how he read books on screenwriting and how you need to write in a love interest. When asked why he can’t supply a real reason other than “That’s how it works.” Thus Elle Fanning’s character is introduced into the zombie film. Ironically she exists in Super 8 for the same reason. For a movie apparently so aware of clichés it never made one attempt to avoid them or deviate from that little how-to guide to screen writing.

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tales of the Dead Man's Float

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So this episode doesn't seem early on like it has too much potential to creep. Pass the scary intro, pass the typical Midnight Society chatter, hurp a durp durp, and the episode arrives at its intro. Basically, a kid in some pool starts screamin that somethings grabbing him in the water and the lifeguard jumps in to save him, but he can't get him out! The kid just drowns right there and one has to wonder... WHAT WAS PULLING HIM UNDER?

Cut ahead like 40 years or something to some nerd being nerdy and some bitch being bitchy. He invites her to see something that he thinks she'd like.

"He began to unzip his pants..."
Cut to next morning and it turns out the thing nerd boy wanted to show the chick was not his embarrassingly small genitalia, but was an abandoned pool in the schools basement (what the hell were they thinking). She says MAYBE YOU DON'T SUCK AT LIFE AFTER ALL (don't quote me on that) and cut to a few weeks later and hoeface convinced the school to set the pool up. THE PLOT THICKENS. Turns out that Mr. Nerd is helping her with her homework in exchange for sexual favors swimming lessons. Suddenly SOMETHING THROWS THEM OUT OF THEIR RAFT (why they have a raft in the swimming pool instead of just... standing on the edge of the pool I will never know). They think they're done for when suddenly HEROIC JANITOR PULLS THEM OUT IN THE NICK OF TIME! Why was he there when the only people in the pool were 2 young children? Why was he hiding from them until they were almost drowning? We may never know.

Pictured above: A convicted sex offender. With a HEART OF GOLD.

As to be expected from a senior citizen with a dead-end job, he has a boring story to tell. HE WAS THE LIFE GUARD IN THE INTRO, AND THE DROWNED KID WAS HIS BROTHERRR. He convinced the school to close the pool because it was killing people... Because the pool was built on an INDIAN BURIAL GROUND! When are people going to figure out that this kind of behavior will lead to homicidal haunts 95% of the time? It's common sense at this point, really. Anyways, old moustachio up there has no idea how to stop the beast. But science nerd MAGICALLY figures out that the ghost, smelling like ass, must be made of ACID. A native ghost made of fucking ACID, how bad can this get? So basically the kid decides to toss in some delicious chemicals to make the beast reveal its TRUE FORM. He tosses some Tang into the pool and the results are... ABSOLUTELY BAT SHIT INSANELY HORRIFYING.


The reason I dropped chemistry class.

SO CLEARLY, the producers forgot to mention to the director that this was a show for kids, but decided doing more filming to replace the beast with something less nightmare-inducing was too much strain on the budget. So this things been swimming around children in bathing suits and has been just dragging them down and going to town. GOD DAMN!

But as any hero would, the super hoe from the beginning of the episode has some death powder to burn the thing, but herpaderp nerd kid throws it out of her hands and into the pool. YOU'LL BURN YOURSELF OMG. Dumbass. They all decide to dive in to get it (kids these days) as Scruffy watches shitting bricks. The beast goes in to get them but being an indecisive creature just kind of fails at that. The kids grab the container, PUT GLOVES ON, and then destroy the beast.

Cut to like a week later and they're banging. Wow. Realistic.

Spook: 10/5
Funny: 0/5
Total: 4.5/5

If you're looking for an episode of these shows that are actually going to make you shit a brick, this one is what you'll be looking for every time.


Youtube link to the episode