Vamperotica: Tales from the Bloodvault – review

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Director: Kirk Lindo

Release date: unknown

Contains spoilers

This is an obscure little flick, only available on pay-for-download and brought to my attention by Alexander over at Freaks and Fiends. Let us start by saying that it stars Glori-Anne Gilbert (Blood Sisters: Vamps 2 & Countess Dracula’s Orgy of Blood) and I think you’ll guess what we’re going to get.

Actually, as well as being a tie in with a magazine called Vamperotica, the film contains a conceit that is kind of fun. For all intents and purposes it is a softcore flick, with very little core and a lot of soft – some rubbing, a little boob (okay a lot of Glori-Anne’s boobs) and nothing much else (the film actually sports some Seduction Cinema covers in the background in some shots and makes them look like hardcore works of erotic art). However they deigned to make a little wrap-around story.

casting call

This begins with Nick Kovak (Nick S Capiot) trying to sell a film idea – to no avail. It seems Nick’s name is dirt. Next thing he has a gun against his head held by Tony (Adam “El-Diablo” Goodman) who is there with Maria (Patricia “The Diva” Goodman). They work for Mr Gambetti (William Beard) and Nick owes him money. He tries to stave them off with talk of his brilliant vampire script and he is given 48 hours. He needs to cast a vampire Queen and gets some awful actrsses (and we have to sit through the auditions) but then in comes the perfect woman (Glori-Anne Gilbert) and she snacks down on another actor as part of the audition – of course they think he is drunk not dead afterwards.

biting Tima

Having picked up a stolen video camera, Nick insinuates himself into various locations with various people, getting them to play opposite the Vampire Queen as she seduces and kills them. Of course they all must be drunk when they fall to the floor. Women as well as men are seduced by her but the scenes are about as tame as a tea-party, to be fair. Glori-Anne can’t keep her top on, mind you. Eventually they head back to Nick’s office.

blow a kiss

Having devoured his cameraman, she persuades Nick to play opposite her as the vampire hunter (he has a cape, a hammer and a screwdriver for a stake). During this feed she bottles some blood (the fact that it just wouldn’t work as depicted can be ignored, to be fair). Cops at the door, looking for the stolen camera, provide him a getaway opportunity and he manages to pocket the tape to show Gambetti. Of course, he hasn’t checked whether vampires show up on film…

tina bleeds

Bad acting – universally, though Glori-Anne Gilbert is having a whale of a time as the Vampire Queen. A poster of From Dusk ‘Till Dawn 3 in pride of place. No real story – just the conceit of pretending to have one that is actually so wafer thin it is transparent. Bad filming, sound issues on the file. It is not a great film. But there is something cheeky about it. 2 out of 10.

The film can be purchased here and there is no IMDb page at the time of review.